Page 80 of Deeply Examined

West rises and tugs up my underwear, followed by my pants. He kisses me open-mouthed so I can taste myself. The salty earthiness of my essence is all over his tongue.

He grips my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “I love you, Jessica. I’ll love you forever. Please, I’m begging you, don’t move to New York.”

My addled brain takes a few minutes to process his words. “New York?”

I see the second he realizes his mistake. His eyes widen, and his nostrils flare.

My hands regain their strength. I push him away, needing space to figure out what he just said.

“How do you know about New York? I only told Monica, and she wouldn’t tell you.”

West reaches out to me. “Uh—you must have mentioned it to me. That’s how I know.”

Thinking hard, I shake my head slowly. “No. I never said anything about it to you or to anyone besides Monica.” A sharp inhalation. My mouth falls open.

“Are you—did you—are youspyingon me?Again?After everything? That’s the only way you could have known about that job offer.”

“What!? No—no—I, um. You told me.”

“I didnot! I never mentioned it.” I step away from him until my back bangs against the wall. “Tell me how you know!” I demand. “Did you monitor my emails? Bug my phone? What is it?”

“No. No. I didn’t.” West looks me straight in the face and lies to me. I’m certain of it. He’s lying. There’s no other way he could have known.

Does he think I’m stupid?

Does he have zero respect for me?

He frames my face with his large hands and moves in to kiss me. Right before his lips meet mine, I say it.

“Cupcake.”

He reels back like I punched him, his face pale, horror-stricken.

“Cupcake?” he repeats hoarsely.

I’m crying, tears streaming down my face, as our reality punches me in the gut. I can’t trust him. That’s why I said it—the safe word. I didn’t say it when he was taking my body, but I say it now, when he’s taking my heart, ripping it out with his deceit and treachery.

“Cupcake!” I scream at him. He recoils at the word like it’s a physical thing, a sword, a knife, a bullet.

“Cupcake. Stay away from me, Adam. We’re through. I mean it. I’m done.” I gather my unbuttoned pants in one hand. “You’ve lied to me for the last time. I never want to see you ever again.”

Sobbing, unable to breathe, I shove past him and run. The word tears from my throat one last time, a final good-bye.

“Cupcake!”

Chapter eighteen

Adam

She finally did it.

There’s a roaring in my head, like all the cruel and hurtful words that have ever been said to me are being repeated now but not whispered or spoken softly. No. They’re screamed, every one of them shouted simultaneously in a symphony of torment. My mother’s voice is loudest.

Piece of shit.

Ruined my life.

Who could ever love you?

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