Page 91 of Five Things I Love About You

I shake my head vehemently. ‘No. Absolutely no way. I’m not even talking about this any more. Besides, I’m still with Jay.’

‘For now.’

‘He’s my soulmate, Soph, you know that.’ I sniff. ‘He even had a pink tie.’

‘What?’

I shake my head. ‘Nothing.’

There’s a hum of silence and I look up. Sophie looks serious.

‘Did you ever consider that you might have been looking in the wrong place?’

My heart skips. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I just think…’ she sighs. ‘Look, I don’t know Matt. I didn’t see you together. But Kirstie did and she says there were sparks even from where she was sitting.’

‘But I?—’

‘Hang on, let me finish.’ I snap my mouth shut. ‘It’s not just what Kirstie says though. I saw how you were when you talked about him. You seemed… I don’t know. I just know that I don’t think anyone has ever made you seem so… alive. And I include Nick in that.’

Wow. I don’t know what to say. There’s no point in saying anything really, because even if Sophie is right (and I’m not saying she is), then it’s all too late, because I messed it up with Matt anyway.

He’s gone.

I realise Sophie is saying something else to me.

‘Sorry, what?’

‘What are you going to do about Jay?’

Oh God, Jay. I rub my face in exasperation. ‘I honestly don’t know.’

‘You hate cheats.’

‘I do. But I need to talk to him without the booze getting in the way. Give him a chance to explain at least.’

Sophie’s always had an expressive face and this time it tells me everything I need to know.

‘You think I should leave him, don’t you?’

She shrugs. ‘I don’t know, M. I don’t know him. You do, and you tell me you’re happy. But I also know you.’

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, then snap them open again.

‘You’re right. And it’s not just the fact he had an affair, Soph, it’s the fact he lied about it – and who knows if he would ever have told me himself.’ I sigh. ‘The truth is, whatever his reasons, I’m not sure I can ever trust him again after this.’ I smile despite myself. ‘I mean, I know I’m one to talk when it comes to not quite telling the truth, but it’s not the same, is it? I haven’t hurt anyone.’

‘I mean, you did nearly kill him.’

‘God, I did, didn’t I?’ Something comes over me then, a burst of laughter bubbling up from deep inside, and suddenly I’m hysterical, tears streaming down my face, my stomach aching. I don’t know how long it lasts but when I finally look up Sophie is facing the other way as though she got bored of waiting. When she finally turns back again, she shakes her head.

‘Honestly, M, I think you’ve gone a bit mad all the way up there without us.’

‘Perhaps I should come home.’ The words are out before I’ve even given them any thought and they shock us both.

‘Do you mean it? You really want to throw it all away and come back?’

Do I? If I do end things with Jay, and Matt – and Gladys – are no longer here, what other reason is there to stay? I think about my house, my life back in London; about Sophie and Pieter, and Kirstie and her insane runs round Ally Pally, about the gigs we’ve missed, the nights when I’ve longed to speak to one or both of them and realised they’re no longer just round the corner, and I know.

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