Page 60 of The Fireman and the Flirt

“No. By the grace of God, they never found out about gearhead. They wondered why I barely went out in high school or why my grades plummeted junior year. I couldn’t bear to tell them the truth, so I made up stories, did whatever I could so they wouldn’t have a different opinion of me.”

I was used to keeping this secret. I knew how to live with the weight. Letting it go was like walking in zero-gravity for the first time. I was wobbly and couldn’t find my footing with Derek.

“I wished none of this happened. I was never that into Gaston. The highs were never that high. But…I was so lonely, and dammit I just wanted someone to love me. Even if it was only an approximation, at least it would be mine. I went to school every day with straight kids who were falling in love and breaking up and hooking up and flirting, and I had to stand on the side watching, neutered, hiding. I would take the fake version of a relationship over not having anything at all.”

Derek stared out the windshield in a daze, as if he was the one who just told this story. A million thoughts swirled in his dark eyes, but I couldn’t decipher a single one.

“I didn’t mean to bring the party down. At least I waited until after sex, right?”

“This isn’t funny,” he snapped through gritted teeth.

Before I could break the tension with another awkward joke, he punched the steering wheel so hard I thought he was going to put a hole in his truck.

The silence thickened. What could one say after watching someone punch an inanimate object?

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for.” He punched the wheel again. “Fuck.I’msorry, Cary. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there…”

“What would you have done?”

“You could’ve trusted me with the truth.”

I wanted to believe him. I really did. But I was invisible to him back then. He would’ve believed the story and laughed along like everyone else.

“Who is this guy? I’m going to serve him twenty years worth of justice.”

“How will that make things better?” It was the same question I asked myself whenever I had a hankering for revenge. When I last checked, Gaston lived in Dallas with a wife and kids. They would feel the brunt as much as him.

“You didn’t deserve this.”

“I know,” I said softly.

Derek grabbed my hand and gave it a strong, supportive squeeze. His eyes were glassy, on the verge of watery. “Thank you for trusting me with the truth.”

“I didn’t want you to be the only person with a secret you couldn’t tell others,” I said. My body refused to be serious. Serious was scary. I craved levity in this moment.

“You’re a good person, Cary.” Derek pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head. Maybe this was where I let out all my crying and hurt, but I’d gotten too good at holding it in. So instead, I listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

We stayed like that, me in the crook of his arm, Derek nuzzling against my head. Somehow, it was more intimate than everything else we’d done.

19

DEREK

Xavier and I worked out at the firehouse during our shift. His drill sergeant demeanor pushed me to move more weight than I thought I could. I might’ve been hitting the cusp of middle age, but I still got it. Mitch was hounding me about joining the recreational hockey league with our old teammates. At first, I wondered if my middle-aged body could handle the sport, but the fact that I could keep up with Xavier’s workout regimen was a good sign.

The exercise room was located on the top floor of the firehouse with the tall, arched windows overlooking a small park currently being used as the latest filming location forA Mountain Man Christmas. The Mitch and Charlie lookalikes sat on swings reading through their scripts as hair and makeup touched them up. I could’ve sworn that was Mitch’s exact jacket.

“How much longer are they filming this shit?” Xavier asked while doing pull-ups.

“I think another week or so?” I stood in front of the mirror doing goblet squats, which would help me if I ever had to lift someone from the floor. “You don’t like Christmas movies?”

“Too sappy for me.Die Hardis the only Christmas movie I care about.”

“Die Hardis very romantic. McClane gets back together with his wife.” Also,Die Hard-era Bruce Willis? Very hot.

“Not before he kills a bunch of guys and blows shit up.” Xavier struggled to hit the last two reps, his arms shaking and neck straining to get over the bar.

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