Page 123 of Beneath His Robes

The ticking of it was unbearable, like a cruel reminder of how quickly time passed while you were stuck in a moment you couldn’t escape. My hand trembled as I placed it on the stone of the love of my life.

I thought about what I should do next.

What was I supposed to do with the rest of my life now that the men who had destroyed it were gone?

Was I supposed to rebuild, to heal?

Was there even anything left to heal?

And who would I heal for?

Elias was gone. I didn’t want anyone else. The rage had burned me up for so long, but now it was just…gone. The fire was out, but I was still standing in the ashes, unsure of who I was without it.

The gun in my pocket felt heavy, the shadows of the graveyard in the corners stretching and twisting in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t really alone. I wasn’t sure if the ghost of the past would ever leave me or if the memories would fade enough for me to move on.

How could they?

Every time I closed my eyes, I still saw them—saw what they’d done, felt the pain, the terror. That wasn’t something you just erased.

I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to push the thought away, but it wouldn’t go. The things they had taken from me weren’t just physical. I wasn’t the same man anymore, and I didn’t know how to fix that without him.

The only thing I cared about was Elias.

Why was I here anymore?

A sharp noise from the trees made me jump, and I instantly looked over where it sounded. The world felt like it was happening on another plane, so far removed from where I was now. But I couldn’t ignore the noise.

It was a snap of a twig—slow, deliberate steps, like something was approaching. I stood up instinctively, my heart pounding in my chest, and for a moment, I was that man again—the one who had been terrified, who had been waiting for something worse to come.

I waited, listening, but a buck appeared. The majestic beauty walked forward with that same regal grace as the one in the forest.

“Fuck you,” I said, the tears falling faster. “I don’t want to do this without you.”

I pulled the gun from my pocket, the one Trav had given me to protect my stupid ass. Now, I was avoiding the heat that burned within me from Elias’s grave.

“No,” I said, shaking my head, my vision blurring from the tears. “I won’t do this without you. Fuck you for leaving me!”

I was choking on snot, desperation, and despair, such a deep pit in my heart that I felt like I was suffocating.

“I can’t, Elias. I need you. Without you, I don’t exist. I am only existing, living in this fucked up world in corporal form. My soul left with you. My heart will never heal. I just feel…numb.”

That heat burned to the point of pain as I held the gun at my heart. I didn‘t know how even to kill myself properly. In the end, I was still such a failure.

I exhaled a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding.

The tension in my body slowly started to loosen, but the tightness in my chest remained.

I looked at Elias’s grave, reading the words carved into the stone.

Elias Cross

Man of God and of Love.

You will be missed. Until we meet again,

may you rest eternally.

I ran a hand through my hair, the frustration bubbling up again—the uncertainty in what this would mean.

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