Page 21 of King of Jokers

“How’s the head been?” After everything happened last season, I called to give them the truth before they woke to a fabricated version of events, admitting I’d messed around with cocaine. I’d also kept my promise to them that I wouldn’t do it again, learning a pretty tough lesson about the consequences of wasting the potential and opportunities afforded. For myself and others.

“S’okay. The guilt is heavy, you know. But not much I could have done differently.” Jay had spoken to the coaches and given his manager a press release before I even got to the clubhouse that night, taking full responsibility for the images and story which claimedan unnamed Hearts player had taken illicit drugs. Jay had been the one to tell me not to do it but a few drinks in and high on an immaturity driven invincibility, I didn’t listen.

While I escaped the scandal publicly unscathed, Jay retired effective immediately. Since then I’d found remorse a constant barrier which hindered my training, my performance on the field and my moods. It had taken a fair amount of time with the team psychs, who all knew the truth, and with Andy and Jay, to work through that. Working through the guilt culminated in an internal initiative which saw me educating every new recruit on the pressures of professional football, the harsh realities of recreational drug use and the responsibilities which came alongside our roles.

“Five letter word, clue is blunder.”

I watched him turn the meat, my mind ticking over in contemplation.

“Lapse?” I offered and Dad tapped the tongs against the metal plate in applause.

“Correct. Now go tell your mother I’m five minutes away.” He said, as supportive as he was the night I first called.

It was only a short walk to the isolated area of beach near Mum and Dad’s and we headed down after a few rounds ofGuess the Wordor what it should really be called,Help Dad finish his fucking crossword, discarding our shoes where the grass met the sand.

It was still warm despite the blanket of stars lining the darkened sky, and we wandered to the water’s edge, watching as the water raced up the sand capturing our feet before cascading back down. Neither of us spoke, lost in our own thoughts as the waves broke, the acoustics of the water inviting a serenity only the ocean could provide.

“Do you still love your job?” Her question took me by surprise and I paused, actually thinking about my response before saying yes just because it was expected.

“Sometimes. I love playing footy still and I definitely love the club and the bonds I’ve formed with the boys.”

“But?”

“But, I’m not proud of some of my actions. The environment can become quite toxic if you aren’t surrounded by good people. Luckily, Andy is a great captain, because some other teams aren’t quite so contained.”

She folded her arms across her chest, the moonlight bouncing off the shells on her bracelet as she nodded in acknowledgement. Her skirt fluttered in the breeze, swaying softly against her sun-kissed legs. Legs which had held me in place only yesterday as I ground myself into her.

“Sometimes I think about quitting my job,” her voice was so soft, I took a step closer to prevent her confession from getting lost in the sound of the waves. “Hopping in the car and driving to a place where no one knows my name. Where people won’t struggle to understand me or pressure me to be someone I’m not because they’ve known me so long that they think they’re entitled to have an opinion on my life. Anything to avoid living another day doing exactly as I always have.”

Her fingers toyed with her ring, a heavy sigh leaving her before she spoke next.

“What if I never leave Willow Bay? If I’m too scared to take a chance and I end up as alone as old Linda Christerson? What if I’m single for the rest of my life? Oh god. I will take over the grocery store and it will turn into Lennox’s Luxuries.” The terrified expression on her face softened the sarcastic quip on my tongue, instead stepping behind her and pulling her up against my chest.

“You’ll never be alone because you’ll have me. I’ll come and work for you.” I answered, knowing it wasn’t what she meant. Leaving Willow Bay had been easy for me because I had fantasised about playing for the Hearts since I was a little kid. Sydney was where I always dreamed I would live. But I hadn’t thought about how hard leaving Win behind would be because as a naive teenager, I just assumed she would come too. We’d done everything together, so why wouldn’t she follow me? Our adventures were never meant to end like that.

It wasn’t until I was older that I realised it came from a place of fear. Of uncertainty with anything new, especially places as busy and unpredictable as a big city. An innate anxiety she couldn’t control which resulted in her remaining stagnant in the confines of predictability.

“For now.” She answered, her hand reaching down to subtly hold the hem of my shirt and her head lolling back on my chest. The familiar hint of orange and strawberries cut through the air mixing with the sea salts of the night and bringing a warmth to my chest.

“Look up there,” I said, pointing to a constellation in the sky. “Remember what it’s called?”

“Alphard,” she replied, before adding, “The brightest star in the Hydra Constellation.” Her memory had always been a steel trap and I knew she would have the answer still firmly in her grasp after I told her one night a long time ago. A thirteen year old doing anything to impress his pretty friend. As teenagers our parents would have weekly dinners and with Darcy and Mason both holding part time jobs in town, we would use the nights to wander the beach, anything to avoid helping with the post-meal clean up. I loved star-gazing and she was always happy to listen to whatever new celestial fact I’d read about. It became a routine – each week brought forth an opportunity to tell her something new, impress her with my knowledge on the stars. Which at the time, I thought was the ultimate flex.

Back then I hadn’t even considered if she would care, but her remembering warmed me all these years later.

Moving to stand in front of her, I admired the way the light from the moon illuminated the deep brown of her almond shaped eyes.

“We can’t always see the stars, but they never leave us. Do you know the name of the brightest star in my sky?” I asked, watching the way her eyes darted between my own, the way her chest rose and fell a little quicker as she shook her head.

“Winter.” I answered, before pressing my lips to hers for no reason other than it felt right.

Winter

Chapter 11

AskingJacktohelpme was the riskiest yet best decision in my twenty-six years of living. The evidence of its success was in the word count of my current work in progress which seemed to increase exponentially whenever he even breathed in my direction. But, what I didn’t anticipate was the threat to my heart which increased when he did things like kiss me as though I were his only source of oxygen.

This one was different from last night. Where last night was laced with a heat, which on my part was twenty years in the making, tonight was like molten poetry. Each flick of his tongue against my own, intentional, each whisper of his hands against my back, precise.

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