Page 40 of Wicked Surrender

“And I told you,” I reminded Mai. “When you called me, I told you about this crap that’s being shared about me. A student I’m tutoring is being a total jerk—for no freaking reason—and he and his friends are targeting me.”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Oh, so none of this is true?” She sighed. “I have a hard time believing that.”

I laughed again, stunned. I couldn’t understand when she’d think it was possible that I’d ever be having a threesome with strangers with their faces blurred out, all while chugging beer from a bong on top of a pool table. Did she really never notice me? To the point she could be persuaded to think that I did this stuff and wasn’t home all the time?

Not only that, but I’d never, ever given anyone the idea that I was into kinky crap like that. That was why I figured Jason accused me of being a prude. I had no life. I had no love life. I didn’t date or party or approach guys.

“I… I don’t even know what to say.” I set my hands on my hair, almost pushed to pull it out.

Embarrassment lit within me, making me feel warmer than I should.

“How about sorry?” Mai said, haughty. “Weall have to face this judgment now too.”

“Oh, I’m sosorry,” I drawled sarcastically. “I’m sorry you can’t see that I’m a victim. That I’ve done nothing to deserve this. I’m so sorry that you can’t lower yourself from your pedestal to consider that I could use love or support during this bullying.”

“Don’t play the victim,” she coached snidely.

“You have no idea what this is like!” I was almost to the point of raising my voice when I really just wanted to scream.

“And it seems to me,” she replied coolly, “that you have no idea what it means to have grace.”

Mom nodded, smiling with approval at her.

“Good girls don’t go viral online with this stuff. And it would serve you well to remember to be graceful and?—”

I growled, so close to reaching out and pushing her that I could barely think straight.

I stormed off instead, so sick of her talking down to me.

Without a destination in mind, I got back in my car and drove around, cruising and waiting for the adrenaline rush of talking back to fade.

I never did that.

I always talked myself out of standing up for myself or correcting anyone. It was the same mentality that I had when I was bullied at school. Or when my parents compared me to Mai. All of it. In a lifetime of being a pushover and disregarded as the second-best, I chose to tuck my head down and wait out the hard times.

But tonight, I’d reached a tipping point. I just couldn’t stand it. Wishing with all my heart, I dreamed of not being so stuck and trapped and drowning under the impossible pressure to meet others’ expectations.

There was never a break, never a change from the burden of trying to be perfect just so someone could fucking love me.

Other than Kristin, I'd failed everyone.

“What kind of a life is this?” I whispered aloud.

I wasn’t living.

I was drowning.

I was treading in murky water with nowhere to go.

Without realizing where I was headed, I blinked at the familiar scenery of the campus. I drove further out until I wound up near the frat row, where the big, old houses were decorated with their insignia. All of them were lit up and crowded. Music boomed from the frat houses and sororities. People spilled out on the lawns, drinking and dancing.

I slowed at the curb of the biggest house, the fraternity where Jason was the president. He had to be in there, living it up and enjoying his life.

Staring at the building, I considered how I’d never been to any such party. Always the good girl, always obedient, always seeking approval from hard-to-please parents.

Watching the people heading in and out, all of them looking so carefree and not oppressed with fitting in or doing what was right, I scolded myself for wondering what it was like in there.

If the second you walked inside, no worries remained.

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