Page 70 of Crave

“The first time I came over here, I noticed lots of art history books. You circled an article about the ten best museums in Italy. I’m seeing a trend here.”

“Maybe,” I tease.

“Don’t tell me you have a secret Italian boyfriend.”

“Hardly. When I was in college I took an art history class as an elective. I figured it would be a nice break from the science classes I had to take. It was easier, but I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with it. Since then, I’ve been obsessed with old things. Whenever I visit a city, I find their art or history museum. I have this fantasy about going to Italy, particularly Florence.”

“Why Florence?”

“Michelangelo’s David, but I want to see so much more. I want to go to the Colosseum, The Cathedral of Santa Maria, The Trevi Fountain, to name just a few. From there, I’d like to go to Paris. I’d need a week just to tour the Louvre.” I cuddle on his side and let my mind wander.

“Why haven’t you been? No girls’ trip?”

“I don’t know. When I picture it, I don’t picture my girls there. I love them, but they would be bored going from museum to museum. And I’d want to go for weeks, and I can’t afford that. It’s just a fantasy for now.”

“I didn’t know this about you, princess. That goes to show what a shitty boyfriend I’ve been to you so far.” I look up at him in surprise.

“You have not.” I kiss my way down his neck until I reach his chest.

“I have. You realize I haven’t even taken you out on a date yet? I didn’t even know about your love for art. I’m taking you to a museum this weekend, by the way. What have I done? I let you cook for me, and then you spend the entire weekend with my crazy ass family, including hours with Troy and Tracy, not to mention Luke, who has been acting like a little bitch. And to top it off, we spent hours playing with four kids yesterday. That’s the sum of our relationship.”

I explore his chest with my mouth, kissing and biting his tanned skin.

“First off, you invited me to lunch, and Ichoseto cook for you. One week into our relationship, you introduced me to your entire family. You’ve been honest with me about your brother and didn’t try to hide anything. And I had a great time with the kids yesterday. Remember, you haven’t met all my family yet. And you have been the opposite of shitty.”

“I’m such a selfish bastard. I’m surprised you haven’t dumped me yet, not that I’d let that happen.”

I smile as I trace my fingers across his flat stomach, tickling him. He’s caught off guard and his muscles tighten as he laughs. He takes my hand from his stomach and laces his fingers with mine, laying our joined hands on his chest.

“You are hard to shake. I tried for weeks.”

“All I’ve done is talk about my problems and my past. I haven’t asked you a thing about yours. Like, how is it even possible that you’re single?” I ponder his question as slide off his body but lay my head on his chest. I move from his side and partially climb on top of him, laying both hands on his chest and resting my head on top of my hands.

“The last boyfriend I had was two years ago. It ended, and I just never met anyone. I’ve had dates, but with no one I liked enough to see again.”

He nods and kisses on my forehead. I wonder if he even realized he just kissed me. Whenever we’re together, that’s what he does. He kisses and touches me almost subconsciously.

“Why did it end?”

“We were together for two years. He wanted to get engaged, but I kept putting it off.” I take a deep breath before I tell him the rest. “I got pregnant. Totally unplanned and it completely rocked my world. I took half a dozen pregnancy tests, but it wasn’t until a doctor verified it through a blood test that I believed it. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I told him, and we decided that we were going to have the baby. He started pushing marriage again, and I gave in. I felt trapped, Jake. I woke up one morning, and I knew that I couldn’t go through with the engagement. I could not picture myself being with him for the rest of my life. I was going to end it before he officially proposed, and I hoped that we could just co-parent. I didn’t feel well when I woke up that morning. I thought it was just stress and I went to work, but a few hours later, I felt cramps. I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. Well, you can figure out the rest.” He doesn’t speak after I finish. He just holds me and runs his fingers across my back, silently urging me to continue.

“I was only a few weeks into the pregnancy. These things happen in the first trimester. I knew that as a nurse. Derek was upset and wanted to get married and pregnant again right away, but I told him no. I told him I didn’t love him and that I needed space. He said some horrible things to me. Things I can’t bring myself to repeat. I was in pain and lost a baby, and all he could do was berate and blame me. I didn’t end it that night, but I did soon after. I spent a week at Tash and Chris’ house. Mama was there taking care of me. She was not happy about the unplanned pregnancy, but she was devastated by the loss. She was not Derek’s biggest supporter, so ahe kept him away, and when I felt better, I ended things. He tried to apologize but I was done. I couldn’t get past what he said, and I wasn’t in love with him. I tried to be. I told myself we were a good match and convinced myself I would fall in love eventually, but eventually never came. I felt such relief to be out of the relationship, but I felt so much guilt too.” We lie in my bed silent. Me, thinking about the words I just spoke as I’m transported back to the time in my life. A time when I was spiraling out of control, feeling helpless to take charge of my own life. Fear and guilt took over, and when I got out of it, I told myself I would never go back.

“About the miscarriage.”

“Yes, and about how I felt about the miscarriage. About Derek and thinking I led him on for two years when I should have ended it long before I ever got pregnant. On paper, we were a great match. I’m a nurse. He’s a pharmacist. We have similar backgrounds. We had a lot in common. He was smart and educated, but my heart didn’t care.”

“Just because someone looks like they could be a good match, doesn’t make it so, baby.”

“I know. Look at us.” I cuddle some more into him. “Who would have guessed?”

“I knew the minute I saw you, and I didn’t know a thing about you other than you were gorgeous, but I felt a connection to you. I couldn't give a shit whether or not our backgrounds or our skin color matched.”

“You just wanted to flirt,” I say as I kiss his shoulder.

“Dee, I don’t flirt. I was drawn to you and figured I’d better do something to make you stick around. I could tell you were about to bolt.”

“I was. I loved that your mom asked me to stay, but it was a family thing, yet I also thought you were so damn sexy.” I lay my head on his chest as we lie in silence, the only sound in the room the steady beat of his heart.

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