Page 73 of Samuel's Heart

“Everything is going to be fine,” he says. His words give me a little bit of hope, but at the same time, my brain tells me something different. Something I’m more prone to believe because that’s what I’ve thought for the last two years.

How can I believe him?

“You can’t know that.” My fears cropping up make me even more uneasy.

“You’re right, I can’t. But Iwantto believe that everything will be okay. From what you told me about them and Adrian, they are great people. So, yes, I want to believe they know it wasn’t your fault, what happened to Adrian.”

What Rory is saying makes sense, but until I’m there, facing the people I need to ask forgiveness from, I won’t be able to believe it.

When Rory parks the car and turns it off, my heart beats faster, because every action we make gets us closer to the door, and facing the people I’ve failed.

Rory exits the car and then moves around to my side because I haven’t tried to get out yet. He opens my door and places a hand in front of me. He’s not only offering to help me get out of the car, he’s also asking me to trust him.

I look at him, and his kind face has me moving to take his hand. Once we’re connected, I squeeze it as a thank you.

Once I’m out of the car, I freeze in place, looking at the house, and memories of the time I spent there with Adrian resurface. I’m overwhelmed by the hurt and the desire for things to have gone differently . . . Adrian, in front of the house, waiting for me at the door and waving. His cheerful smile, and pats on the shoulder when I needed a scolding, or he wanted me to know I’d done a good job. I never realised how much I missed him—and them—until now.

I follow Rory when he pulls me towards the house, still lost in the memories filling my head. I’m breathing hard by the time we reach the front door, and my heart breaks when the reality ofAdrian’s absence hits me like a brick wall to the face. The reality of knowing that nothing I do can bring him back.

Years of pushing the pain deeper inside me, of using my rage to move forward, weigh on me. I nearly crumble under it. I can’t move, and I’d be dropping to the ground, breaking into pieces, if it wasn’t for the grounding touch of Rory’s hand in mine.

“Sam?”

I turn my face to look at him with my eyes full of tears. Tears that can’t fall.

He pulls where we’re connected until I’m facing him, then he takes my face in his hands and leans in to kiss me.

“Please, trust me. Everything is going to be okay.”

Another long look, while I try to absorb some of his strength. Then I nod, turn towards the door, raise my hand and knock. My heart is in my throat, and my stomach isn’t too far behind, but I stay there waiting for the people inside to open the door.

“Yes,” Lucy says, while opening the door.

I watch as her face changes, showing a plethora of emotions, going from confusion to recognition and finally to pain, before she breaks down into tears. And all the while I stand there, unable to move or speak.

She raises her head again, and I ready myself for her words, for her to scream at me and then send me away.

“Samuel?” she says, and then her arms are around me, and she’s sobbing on my chest. I don’t move for a second, surprised by her reaction. It’s when her response to my presence—like that of a long-lost friend—finally sinks in, that I’m wrapping my arms around her, hugging her close.

“Mum?” a voice calls from inside, and then the door opens a bit more and Daniel is there. He looks at me for a while, hiding behind his mother until surprise fills his face, and then he’s looking at me as if I’m someone he recognises. It can’t be, though, because he was too young to remember who I am.

“Samuel?” His face breaks into a happy smile. Is this the famous so-calledTwilight Zone,where the craziest things happen? This must be a dream—a dream I don’t want to wake up from. What they’re giving me today is so much more than I thought I deserved, or wanted, but something I really needed to start healing.

He comes closer and hugs my hip, and I set my hand on his head, while more tears fall from my eyes. I’m like a broken fountain, unable to stop the running water.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper in between them, over and over again, until I’m sobbing, bawling my eyes out, and I can’t seem to stop. Lucy pulls away, takes my face in her hands, and goes up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

“I’m glad you came,” she says when she pulls away.

“I’m sorry,” I say to her, and I wish I could say more, but everything is stuck inside, and I don’t know how to pull it out.

“You should be sorry for staying away, but never for what happened. It wasn’t your fault.”

Fuck! If I start crying again, I’m afraid I’ll create a river.

A hand on my back stabilises me and puts me back together. I lean into the touch as if it’s my lifeline.

“Okay,” I say to her, and she kisses me again.

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