Page 60 of Logan

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was content. Eventually, we would have to come back down to earth, but I would have happily stayed up in the heavens forever.

CHAPTER 24

Logan

Unlike in fairytales or movies, true love’s kiss did not magically solve all our problems.

Clay and I spent several days together while I waited to fly the social worker back home after the kids were settled into their new home. We spent most of the time indulging in cliché “date” activities, such as going to overly romantic restaurants, a fair, and even the movies.

We also traded plenty of other kisses, but never more than that. Clay clung to my shoulders and arms eagerly, but he seemed shy about touching anything beyond that, so I mimicked him. I knew from the moment we crossed the line into non-platonic territory that Clay would have to dictate the pace, and we could move as quickly or slowly as he wanted.

By the time I needed to leave to return to Baton Rouge, we had vaguely agreed to try long-distance for now, but nothing else. We would need to figure a lot more things out, but I had hope that we were at least on the right track.

Yet, I wasn’t surprised when I arrived home to find I had several missed video calls from Clay. Throwing down my travel bag and collapsing on my bed, I took a deep breath and called him back.

“Hey, Clay. Something wrong? I noticed you called several times.”

Clay answered the video call immediately, but he kept the phone at an angle so that it wasn’t pointed directly at his face. I could still see his expression, so I knew something was off, but without being able to look directly into his eyes, I couldn’t begin to guess what he was thinking.

“Logan. Sorry. I shouldn’t have called so many times when I knew you were traveling. I just… panicked.”

I sat up on the bed, ready to run out the door and all the way back to Maryland if necessary. “Panicked? Did something happen?”

“No.” Clay finally looked directly at the screen, and I could see the red rims around his eyes that said he had been crying recently. “Nothing’s wrong. I just got in my head after you left and started over-thinking things. But Jason was able to talk me down, so I’m fine now.”

He laughed as if what he’d said was just a joke, but my own expression turned even more serious.

“Over-thinking about what? If you’re having second thoughts, then?—”

Clay cut me off before I could even finish the sentence.

“I’m not having second thoughts.” He threw his hands out as if he meant to reach out to me, only to hit the cold surface of a screen instead. The phone was knocked off whatever he’dused to prop it up, and there were several moments of chaotic fumbling before I was able to see him again.

“I’m not having second thoughts,” Clay repeated, looking more frazzled than before. Several strands of hair were stuck to his cheek, and I longed to reach out and tuck them behind his ears. “I’m having too many thoughts, is the problem. Until now, I never thought about having a real relationship with anyone. It didn’t seem like something that was possible for me. Now that it is… I don’t know what to think.”

My first instinct was to immediately reassure him and tell him that everything was fine. We could take as long as he needed to figure things out, and if he ultimately did change his mind, then that would be okay, too.

However, then I took a closer look at him. He was twisting his fingers together, a certain sign that he was nervous, while also chewing on his bottom lip. This last action meant he had something he wanted to say, but he wasn’t certain if he should speak up.

If I interrupted him now, he would swallow his words and bury them. So, as much as I wanted to speak, I kept my mouth shut and waited.

My patience was rewarded a moment later when, in a small breathless voice, Clay finally spoke.

“When you were here, all we did was kiss. Relationships usually involve more than that.”

With each word he spoke he looked more and more miserable.

Taking a chance, I spoke up. “A relationship doesn’t have to include sex. You know that, right? Like… I love kissing you,and I’d be happy to do more, but it’s also not a requirement. If kissing is all we ever do, I’ll still be happy.”

With a growl of frustration, Clay slammed his fist into the pillow beside him. “That’s not the problem. Iwantto do more with you, but it’s so confusing. I’ve never actually wanted anyone before. I’ve gotten so used to thinking of sex as something negative, something painful, that putting it together with you in my head feels wrong. Like I’m… making you dirty somehow by wanting you.”

He sighed, and before I could even respond, he was already smoothing out the pillow and putting it back into place.

“Sorry. I’ve already talked about all this with Jason, so I know this way of thinking isn’t right. I’ve already got an extra session with Doctor Coleman to help me work through it.”

I was half-tempted to fly off back to Maryland anyway, just so I could give him a hug. I hated to see Clay being so hard on himself.

Instead, I ran my finger over the screen, pretending the smooth surface under my skin was actually his cheek.

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