Page 66 of Ruin

I hear Robert call me a bitch, then hear the door slam shut. Thank God he's left, and I quickly take a shower trying to wash off every memory of me.

Did Declan stop himself from taking things too far with me because of guilt or because he likes me? Did I want him to take it to the next step? Yes, a part of me did because I was hoping having him touch me there would make me forget Robert has. Make me forget how Robert took my V-card in a horrible way.

Do I like Declan touching me to replace Robert’s touch? Yes, and what does that make me? A whore craving pain because I want Declan to cut me deeper, cut me so I can watch the pool of blood escaping me, and I wait and wait until more and more blood escapes me. Trying to get as close to death as I can, before I stop the blood.

Can Declan be the one to make me forget?

Do I want him to be the guy who saves me?

My finger moves to the spot Declan keeps cutting me, I can’t see what he is doing in the mirror, so I’m hoping touching the dried scab will give me some idea of what he is doing.

All I can feel is a circle, then a line next to it. What is he cutting on me?

I’m craving Declan, and I don’t know how to admit it.

* * *

I’ve not seen Declan at school all morning, and I don’t know why but I’m not going to ask anyone either. The nice thing about not talking is no one really talks to you. I didn’t hear from him this weekend either. Once he left the party, it was the last I saw of him. No phone call, no message, nothing. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll leave me alone now.

“What is happening with Declan and you? The way he went crazy with Vinn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him go crazy like that, not even when guys try to hook up to Lileah.” I turn to Ash who’s leaning back in his seat eating his sandwich. I asked him if we could go out for lunch, but he said no because he was hoping Declan would come into school and we could see the aftermath of the fight at the party. Rumor has it Vinn is still angry about it, and wants Declan to pay for what he did.

I get my notepad out, he is the only person I will write my conversation with.

Nothing is happening with him. He’s making sure I remember who burnt his stupid car.

Ash laughs, but stops when Lileah stands in front of our table.

“Trixie, get up, if D sees you sitting with him, it won’t be good.” Lileah locks eyes with me, but I don’t move. “Trixie-”

“She doesn’t want to leave the table,” Ash snaps at her, but the second Lileah turns to face him, it’s almost as if he's cowering down to her, and I have to stop myself from laughing, as I’m shocked Ash snapped at her.

“Declan will be here and-”

“She can sit wherever she wants. She has to mean something for me to care.” My eyes dart up to Declan, taking the books which Lileah is holding, and holds them for her. I study his face, and see the cut lip, and what looks like the start of a black eye on his left eye. He got into a fight, but why? I don’t know Declan and how he fights. I mean I got a small glimpse at the party with Vinn, but it looks like he had a fight and no one was stopping it. Where did he go? “She’s a whore who I don’t have the-”

“Declan,” Lileah snaps at him, but he ignores her, and pulls out the chair for him to sit on the other side of the table.

But all I can think about is the word whore, he called me a whore. The word isn’t something he’s just saying to annoy me; he wants to hurt me with his words. He needs to do better than that, because I get called a lot more every day by Robert.

But this new Declan can go two ways for me. He might leave me alone, and get bored, or he'll become worse than he already is. The fucked up thing, I don’t know which one I want.

He can’t do any worse to me than Robert, and his touch is the only thing which my body doesn’t hate at the moment. What the hell am I saying? If he’s bored, that’s a good thing, you can finish high school without having him annoy me and I can go back to being the girl who no one knows.

Declan turns to Erin and smiles. “Did you enjoy burning my car?” he asks her, making her whole body tense up, and she looks over at me. The only thing I can think is, about fucking time you punish the one who set your car on fire. “I’m going to take your silence as a yes, just so you know, no college is taking you this year, because you failed-”

“You can’t do that.” Erin shouts, and Declan laughs.

“I think I already did.” He stands up and locks eyes with me, and stares at me for a moment, then puts his arm around Lileah’s shoulder, and walks away.

I look around to see if I can see Vinn, but he isn’t here, but my eyes go back to Declan when he sits down laughing with his sister. He has his back to me, and I sit here wondering what the fuck did I do wrong, and why the hell do I care.

He’s ignoring me, isn’t that what I wanted, for him to leave me alone. It was, but it feels strange not having his eyes on me, wondering when he'll touch me. My body shivers at the thought of when the tip of his knife will cut me again.

Two days, and I’m missing the touch of the man who wanted to ruin me.

Getting up, I leave the cafeteria, and go to my locker to get my English books, plus I want to see if Declan has left me a flower there. Normally if he comes to school late, he always places one in my locker. My heart sinks when I don’t see anything, he really has pushed me out.

Grabbing my books, I slam the locker shut, and see Stephanie leaning on the locker next to me. What the hell does she want?

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