Page 94 of Ruin

He made sure for the last three months I didn’t go straight to the bathroom to wash him off me. He would sit on top of me for about ten minutes thinking it would help his evil little swimmers get to where they need to go.

I wipe the new tears and finally have the courage to look at myself in the mirror. “You are not letting him win.” He doesn’t need to know about this test, he doesn’t need to know anything.

I look at my phone screen showing me the numbers. One in the morning. Closing my eyes, as I fight with the thought in my head, I know I can’t have this baby, I know I can’t but why does the thought of getting rid of it make me sick.

If I have this baby, then Robert will find a way to always trap me, I can’t do this. I can’t have this baby.

Finally getting out of the bathroom, I grab my bag and climb out the window, and go to the only place I can think that can help me in this situation. The hospital.

“Trixie,” I look over at Ash handing me the bottle. “I know you’re not much for talking, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

I take the bottle from him, and let the liquid run down my throat, and it feels so good. I give Ash a small shake of my head, because I don’t want to talk, but at the same time I’m thankful he came to be with me. Declan might hate him, but he’s the only friend here that I have and he didn’t need to come here with me.

“Are you okay?” Ash asks, and I lean forward and grab a notepad from my book.

I don’t know what okay is.I look at him with a small smile, then write again.Thank you for being here.

“You shouldn’t be here alone,” Ash takes a drag of his joint, as I do the same. “I always knew something was wrong with you, I think that’s why I like hanging out with you.” He looks out at the clear blue sky.

This was the first place Ash took me when we first started hanging out, I will admit the drive was scary as it was in the middle of the night, and I’d only just met him. So, I was worried this was going to turn out badly for me, but it wasn’t. It was the first time in a long time I felt safe here.

There was something calm about being up on this hill, listening to the wind sing as it moves around this high up.

Taking in another drag of the joint, I look at my phone when it dings.

Declan

Where are you?

Declan

We need to talk!

Declan

Don’t forget the pool party. DO NOT make me come get you.

I don’t reply to him. I’m not sure where the hell I can hide from him. Maybe the road of running away from the truth is ending, and I have to finally tell someone else about what is happening. I mean what’s the worst that can happen, he doesn’t believe me, well it’s not the first time that has happened.

What happened to you?I write on the paper and turn it to Ash.

“If you share, I’ll share.” I think about what he’s asked me, maybe this is what he’s been waiting for, someone to talk to. I give him a nod, and I hear him take a deep breath. “I smoke, and hide from everyone, because my dad beats me up every night. He blames me for mom dying. She died while in labor with me. She had told the doctor if anything was to go wrong they were to save the baby, and not her. So dad drinks and beats me up, because it’s my fault.” Ash stops for a moment and takes a drag of his joint, and I do the same thing. “So I smoke and drink to numb the pain.” I look over at Ash, no wonder we both get on, we are suffering in silence.

I’m sorry.I turn the paper to him, and he does what I do, a small smile knowing there is nothing else anyone can say to help him. I take in a deep breath, and tap my pen on the pad a few times before I finally start writing.My stepbrother has been raping me since my dad and his mom moved in together, and when I fight him, he beats me.There isn’t much else to say about it, so I hand him the pad so he can read it, as I drink more, and then smoke, as my phone dings with a message again.

Declan

I mean it Trixie, don’t make me come get you. I promise you will regret it.

I take a deep breath, I don’t know what Declan will do if he comes to my house, but even I know my time has run out, and I need to tell Declan something. But what? Everything? I suppose telling him now is better than telling him when I’ve fallen in love with him, I suppose.

“I’m sorry, you’re living with that. You ever need a place to crash, let me know.” Ash hands me the pad back, and we both sit there in silence. There is nothing else to say, but I let my mind think how I’m goin to talk to Declan later.

TWENTY-SIX

DECLAN

How the fuckwas I so blind? How the hell did I miss something wasn't right with Trixie. I should have looked into her better, I’m so pissed off with myself. Fine, at the start she was someone to mess with, and I didn’t really care, but things changed. The second it all changed I should have looked into her.

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