Page 1 of Merry Mischief List

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ANDI

“I’m swearing off women. And men. And non-binary people. And anyone else who could possibly screw me over.” I huff, staring up at the ceiling from my position on the couch.

“So what’s that leave you with? Aliens? Vivian the vibrator?” Stella, my apparently heartless roommate, asks.

“Hey, vibrators are a girl’s best friend,” I argue.

“What happened to diamonds?”

“Diamonds never gave me an orgasm.”

“True…” she agrees, narrowing her eyes. “But why are you acting all butt hurt?Youdumpedher.”

“I mean… I wouldn’t say Idumpedher, per se.”

“I believe your exact words were ‘Fuck you and your judgy high horse, Olivia. Go find some boring bitch who wants to mope in the corner of every bar if that’s what you really want,’” she says, as if I need a reminder of the fight I’ve been thinking about all week.

“That is ahorriblemisquote. I believe myactualexact words were ‘If you want some shy girl who hides in the corner of every bar, that’s never gonna be me.’”

“And?” Stella rolls her hand for me to continue, and I blow out a raspberry in defeat.

“‘And if that’s what you really want, you should go to Boring Bitch ‘R’ Us to find someone new to screw.’”

“Like I said.” Stella laughs, shaking her head.

“Oh my god, you’re right.” I groan. “Idumpedher two weeks before Christmas! Who even does that?”

“Someone who was sick of being caged like a prized show tiger?”

“What if I’m looking at this all wrong?” I ask, grabbing the open bottle of wine from our coffee table and taking a swig. “What ifI’mthe villain here? Me!”

“Seriously, cut this shit out.” Stella hops off the loveseat she was perched on and comes over, snatching the wine bottle. “Olivia was an asshole. All she ever tried to do was change you.”

Why does Stella always have to be right?As much as I enjoyed spending time with Olivia, she did consistently pressure me to tone down the person I am. I was always “too” something. Too loud. Too crazy. Too happy. Too friendly. Too energetic. Whatever it was, it wastoo muchfor her.

“You arenotthe monster in this story, babe,” Stella continues, moving my legs to take a seat next to me on the couch. “Please don’t let this one judgmental sorority girl keep you from all humankind.”

“MaybeI’ll consider giving the human race a second chance before jumping on the faerie smut bandwagon,” I reply.

“Good. So are you done with this pity fest? Ready to be the Grinch-ess who stole back Christmas?”

“Are you seriously calling me the Grinch? Aren’t you supposed to be supporting me right now?”

“Girl, have you seen the movie? The Grinch ends up being the freakinghero! He saves Christmas,andhis heart grows three sizes. So yes, you’re the Grinch right now, but Christmas shall be saved!” she shouts, throwing her arms in the air with full-on jazz hands.

“Okay, Dr. Seuss. A bit theatrical, don’t you think?” I say, laughing at her antics.

“No, I think it’s the perfect amount of enthusiasm for the situation at hand,” she replies, pinning me with a single look.

“Well, how do you suggest I steal back Christmas? I don’t know of a holiday Whobilation happening anytime soon.”

“Hmm,” Stella hums mindlessly, pulling out her phone.

“Helllooo?” I ask. “Currently in the middle of a crisis here. What are you doing?”

“Searching ‘how not to have a shitty Christmas.’”

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