Page 19 of Seek & Destroy

“Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t want to prolong this because I see you’re a little upset. You’re a great man, Kwame, and I think it’s wrong what Esa’s doing to you.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, getting irritated.

“She’s cheating on you. She has been since the moment you two got together. I’ve sat back and watched her play all these great men for years—men who give her the world and treat her like a queen, and yet, she could care less about them.”

I didn’t know if I was going deaf, but anything she said after her confession was like trying to listen under water. There was no way my beautiful Esani was doing me wrong. No way was she cheating on me because we practically lived together. If I wasn’t at her house, she was at mine, so I had no idea how she was able to cheat on me unless she was doing it during the times I went out of town. The woman I knew wouldn’t dare cheat on me...not after telling her of my past relationship and her swearing to me that I was all she needed. She was perfect to me, and I was wondering if her friend was just on some hating shit, trying to tear us apart.

“I don’t have time for your games, Tania. What are you gaining by lying and trying to tear us apart?”

Tania shook her head and reached inside of her bag, pulling out an envelope.

“There’s your proof. I feel bad that I had to do this, but I couldn’t let her keep doing this to you. There are good men like you who gets played by women like her, only for women like me to get the short end of the stick. It’s not fair, and I’m really sorry about this. I love Esa. She’s really a sweet person at heart, but she’ll never love you that way that you deserve.” Tania stood and walked away.

I stared at the envelope for a good five minutes before I picked it up and opened it. I kind of already knew what was inside, especially if Tania came with proof of my beloved’s infidelity, but I needed to make sure that it was true. I needed this chick to be wrong and delusional, but after pulling the photos from the envelope, I knew that she was right. Esa was hugged up with three different men. One of them I noticed was Marcus Lesure from the Detroit Lions. I couldn’t believe my eyes as she smiled affectionately at these men, smiling the same way she’d smile at me with those full dimples on display.

“Sir, can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked me.

I shook my head, stuffing the photos back in its place then dropping a few twenties on the table. I stood and left the restaurant feeling defeated. I must have been a magnet for cheating ass women. Maybe I was too nice, too caring, or came on too strong when meeting them, but something had to be wrong with these broads. Or maybe there was something wrong with me. Was I an ugly nigga? Nah. It definitely wasn’t my looks. Did I look like a fucking cornball? I didn’t know what it was, but at least Charlene didn’t hide the fact that she didn’t love me. With Esa, everything seemed so surreal, and I was ready to take it to the next level. I had bought her her dream home, copped her a six-carat diamond ring because I was planning to propose tonight over the dinner I was cooking her. Not after this though. It was officially over with us.

8

Esani

You go out and fuck different people.

To cope and ignore all precautions.

You drink and you drink and get faded.

It happened.Everything my mother had instilled in me all flushed down the drain the moment Kwame Kason Wiles entered my life. As much as I fought against it, as much as I tried to just ‘give off the illusion’, I had already felt myself falling after only a few weeks of dating. Kwame was damn near perfect, and because of Shania Simms and her toxic teachings, I messed over a good man.

I said I wouldn’t be one of those girls who listened to sad love songs and cried all day and night, but here I was, tuned in like a motherfucka. It had been three days since Kwame walked out on me, and I’d been lying on my couch for that long drinking my life away. My mom was blowing my phone up as well as my employees, but I just didn’t have the strength to pull it together. I lost a good man, and now, I was wondering if I’d ever fall in love again.

“Girl, what the hell is going on with you?”

I looked up to see my mother standing in front of me with an angry but concerned look on her face. She walked over to my radio and stopped the music. I turned away from her as a tear slipped from my eye.

“Esani Deanna! Did you hear me?” she yelled.

“You, Mom! You’re what’s going on with me! All the years you planted the seed in my head that if I ever fell in love, these men were going to break my heart. But what you failed to mention was breaking my own damn heart!” I yelled, scrambling to get up off the couch. I was still feeling the effects from the Patrón I had been guzzling down.

“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?”

“I don’t see nobody else in here!” I said, looking around then planting my eyes back on her.

“I knew you were falling for that man. This ain’t nobody’s fault but yours, so don’t blame me for trying to protect you from exactly what’s happening right now!”

“Protect me? How the hell were you protecting me by telling me to treat men exactly how wedon’twant to be treated! Dad broke your heart, and you’ve just turned bitter and projected that bitter shit on to me!”

The slap to my face caused me to react in a way that I would have never done. I slapped her ass back. We tussled for a minute before I held her down to stop her from swinging on me. After sitting like this for a few seconds, she pushed me off of her, and we sat there in silence.

“All these years…you made me believe that men would hurt me to the point of death. Now, look at me—alone because you never told me that it would hurt me to hurt someone who was actually the most genuine person I knew. He loved me, Mom. I kept trying to find his flaws, stalking him and trying to see if he’d step out on me, and after all this time…I found none. The only flaw was that he’d forget to put the damn toilet seat down after using it. I deprived myself from fully connecting to him because of your misguidance. What did my dad do that was so bad that you decided to never love again and make me believe love doesn’t exist?”

My mother got up from the floor and looked down at me. I could see the sadness in her eyes as she looked away from me.

“Nothing. He did absolutely nothing to me. It was me who sabotaged our relationship because I’ve been hurt too many times before to see that he was the only one for me. I cheated on him. Did everything I could to destroy what we had, and I succeeded. When he left, that’s when I realized I was pregnant. Me being the stubborn, selfish, bitter bitch that I am didn’t even contact him to let him know that he had a daughter. I just knew I didn’t ever want you to feel that pain of men breaking your heart. I’m sorry,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

I sat with my knees up and ran my hands through my hair. This was stressful. Never had I ever thought that I’d feel like this because of something I’d done. Or rather what my mother had done to me.

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