Page 31 of Hell to Pay

“Um, no, definitely not,” I said.

He kissed my head. “Hungry? Want a grilled cheese?”

“Not tonight,” I said. “I just couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking about Rain.”

“I can understand that,” he said. “It’s fucked.”

“I think we should talk to her family.” The thought had been there, rolling around in my mind like a loose marble, but I hadn’t really grabbed on to it until that moment. “Or whoever it was that put up the flyer.”

He pulled back a little to look at me. “You think that’s a good idea?”

I looked up at him. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I just… I worry about you, that’s all. You’ve been through a lot.”

“Not as much as Rain,” I said softly.

“It’s wrong what’s happened to them. And wrong that it’s not front-page news every day. But…”

“But?”

“I just want you to know that it wouldn’t happen to you,” he said. “Not like that. I just want you to know that we’dalwayslook for you. That we’d reach the ends of the earth to find you. It’s not fair that everyone doesn’t have someone to do that for them, but you do.”

I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. “I do?”

He rested one hand against my cheek, slid it into my hair. “Fuck yes you do. Now and forever.”

“So ten years from now if I’m a boring married lady with a hundred kids and something happens to me, you’re going to come looking?”

I thought I saw a flash of pain in his eyes and was surprised to find that it was a reflection of my own. The truth was, I didn’t want to be married to some random guy ten years from now.

I wanted them. The Bastards.

I shut the door on the thought as soon as it materialized in my mind. Because it was stupid and unrealistic, and did I mention stupid?

“Yeah, boss,” he finally said. “We’re going to come looking. Consider us your personal lifelong search party. Okay?”

I nodded. “Okay. But I still want to talk to Rain’s family.”

“I expect nothing less.” His gaze softened and he stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Have I told you that I fucking love how much you still care about people?”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t deserve praise. That’s just… human.”

His brown eyes looked molten in the firelight. “Yeah well, a whole lot of people don’t act human anymore. Sometimes I think I’m one of them.”

I tipped my head in surprise. “You? You’re one of the nicest people I know. Youhelppeople for a living!”

“It’s not all that,” he said. “You know that, right? You know we’re not some kind of do-gooders out there, superheroes saving people under cover of night just because we’re so fucking altruistic?”

I sucked in a breath because I didn’t know what to say.

“We do bad things too, Lilah. And even when we do good things, we do them for money. I’m not sure that makes us good. I’m not sure that makes ushuman.”

His voice was anguished, and I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes.

“Youarehuman. I see it. I feel it. Don’t let that asshole Sandoval take that from you. Don’t let him tell you who you are. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“We hurt you.” His voice cracked. “We hurt you so much. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, and I’m not asking you to forgive me either. I’m not askingyouto makemefeel better because that would just make the whole thing more fucked.”

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