Page 19 of Tangled Trust

It’s an easy dinner. Ella and I chat without uncomfortable silences. She’s very intelligent. I enjoy talking to someone who is well-traveled, and Ella seems to have done her fair share of globe trotting.

I catch myself staring too deeply into her eyes a few times. If she’s aware, she doesn’t say anything. I want to ask her about her childhood and the reason she’s moved so far away from home, but I don’t want to pry. Perhaps it will come up in conversation at a later stage.

For now, I’m content with perfectly seasoned and prepared ribeye steak and the company of a beautiful woman. It’s almost enough.

* * *

Amanda

I’m exhausted. It’s been a long week of connecting flights and sleeping in strange beds. Not that the accommodations were scrappy by any means, but I do prefer my own room. It’s taken me a good while to get used to living alone again. At first, I loved the freedom of coming and going at my own speed and doing with my time what I liked. Now, I’m not that sure that my decision to leave Carter was the right one. Despite having my long-coveted freedom, I miss being with him. I was a fool to throw away a man like Carter Moore.

Call it hormones. Call it unfulfilled dreams. Call it whatever you like. The truth is, I messed up, and I have no one to blame but myself. The fact that Carter hasn’t moved on tells me I may not be the only one with regrets. He did let me go far too easily. I expected him to fight harder for our marriage. But, it’s always Jagger this and Jagger that. Clearly, our son is more important to Carter than I ever was.

I’m still pissed that he hired an Au Pair without consulting me first. I’m Jagger’s mother, for goodness sake. Surely I should have had a say in the matter. Who knows what sort of woman is spending time with my child?

It’s close to 2 p.m., and I’m on my way to see Dr. Williams. She’s been my therapist since I was a teenager. My mother insisted I see someone. That's just the way we Archers deal with life. I always use the private entrance. High society can be so judgmental.

I press the button to let the therapist know I’ve arrived. She opens the door and ushers me in.

"Hello, Amanda."

"Hello."

We engage in our usual routine of pleasantries before I share with her what’s on my mind.

"How’ve you been, Amanda?"

"Not great."

"I see. What would you like to chat about today?"

"I miss Carter," I blurt out shamelessly.

Dr. Williams is the only living soul to whom I’d ever divulge such intimate information. I wouldn’t even tell my mother. I certainly don't dare drop that sort of bombshell during conversations with my friends. Not even Lilly, whom I consider to be my best friend. But here in this room, safely tucked away in duck egg hues and expensive art, I feel I can safely lay bare my secrets.

"That’s to be expected. You were together for many years."

"I understand that. But, I miss him more than I should."

"There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to feelings, Amanda. There is no right or wrong."

I hate it when she talks in circles. I’m pretty sure an eight-ball or Confucius would spin me the same pointless line. I’m paying this woman an obscene amount of money to help me, so she’d better come up with a clearer solution than that!

"I can see that isn't the answer you are looking for, Amanda. But remember, this is a process. You’ve only been divorced for a short while. It’s natural to want to return to the familiar. You’re out of your comfort zone, and that can’t be easy."

I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Are you engaging in new activities to keep your mind occupied?"

"If I engage in any more traveling, I risk destroying the ozone layer all on my own."

"Have you made any gentleman friends?"

"You mean am I sleeping with anyone?"

"Not what I meant."

"I can’t think of that now. How can I possibly entertain any other relationships when I’m still in love with Carter?"

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