Page 27 of Passion

“Really? You have the flu or something? Girl, I can’t be getting sick. I fly to Paris next week, you know. I have a huge shoot for Dior.” Midge was the closest thing I had to a best friend following the Daven incident, and I almost cried that she might leave me here like this with no help.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I lay there with my stomach churning, wishing I had peptic syrup or something to calm my roiling gut. My body felt like the excessive vomiting had made every muscle tense and painful. When I looked in the mirror last, it appeared I had even burst blood vessels in my eye from throwing up so violently.

“God, you sound pathetic.” Midge started to ask questions about my symptoms, which I answered in monotone, things like what I’d eaten, who I’d been around, who was sick, but my mind went a different direction.

During the stress of the past few weeks, I hadn’t really paid attention to my cycle, but I knew it was late. I started to panic a little, and when she was asking if I had a fever, I blurted out: “What if I’m pregnant?”

She paused for a moment. I could tell she was holding her breath. Then she answered, “No, you’re careful. You use protection, right?”

“Yes, every single time. I swear it. But…” I bit my lip. It was true I made Daven and Lucas both use protection every single time, except the night I hooked up with Lucas in the first place. I didn’t remember much about that night. I was so drunk I didn’t even remember if we actually had sex or if I dreamed it. I had no way to know if he used a condom.

“But what, Vera? Please tell me you used a condom every time.” Midge’s tone took on a mothering sound. We weren’t exceptionally close because I had always leaned on my best friend for everything, but with Daven’s double-crossing and that backstabber, Midge was all I had left.

“I swear, I usually am. That first night with Lucas, though… I don’t know. I was drunk.”Reallydrunk. In fact, I had drunk so much I didn’t remember much of anything from that night.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes with a test. Fuck’s sake, Vera.” Midge hung up and left me alone.

She was right. Exactly twenty minutes later, she appeared at my door with a white paper bag from the pharmacy, stapled shut with the receipt. My hand trembled as I took it from her.

“You realize this will totally fuck your career, right? Like you’re only given so many years with an amazing body, and once you start having kids, that’s done.”

“Thanks for being so reassuring.” I scowled at her and locked the door behind her. “Why do you think I’ve always been so careful?” For the moment, my stomach felt better, though I had no idea when the attack would return. I tore open the paper bag and stared at the small test box, tossing the bag on the ground. “How does this work?”

“How am I supposed to know? I’ve never been pregnant.” Midge tossed her purse onto the pile of my things and walked around with her face screwed up in disgust. “I can’t believe you’re actually going to live here, Vera. I knew you wouldn’t be able to afford a luxury apartment, but this place is really bad, girl.”

“I know. Please don’t lecture me right now, okay? I have enough on my mind.” I ripped open the little box and pulled the instructions out, collapsing on the blanket. Midge sat next to me, careful not to touch the carpet. I read the pamphlet twice before having the nerve to pull the test stick out. It was sealed in a foil packet which was difficult to tear.

I handed it to Midge, and she tore it, then handed it back. “Good luck,” she said as I stood and walked into the bathroom. It was cold, or at least it felt cold to me. I stared at myself in the mirror with horror for at least five minutes before I could even unzip my pants. My mind raced with terrifying thoughts of losing my entire career because of a one-night stand that turned into this awkward relationship which I had no idea what to even label.

My hand shook as I peed on the tiny foam pad at the end of the stick. It said to lay it on a level surface and wait three minutes, so I finished my business and left the stick lying on the bathroom sink. Midge sat scrolling her phone as I collapsed by her to wait. Her videos distracted me for a moment, but the anxious energy I had coursing through my veins made it impossible to pay attention to them for long. All I could do was panic about losing my career over this.

“You worried?” she asked, locking her phone. She rested her head against the wall we leaned on.

“Terrified. I’m not ready for kids. I don’t even know if I want kids.” I chewed my fingernail and tried to keep the tears from flowing. “What do I do?”

“You wait and see. The test is probably going to turn out negative. Your hormones are just screwed up from stress. You lived through a hurricane at the same time your boyfriend dumped you and you lost your job. I think that amount of stress would do it to anyone.” She patted my knee and said, “It’s three minutes. Go look.”

Reluctantly, I stood and walked into the bathroom. I saw the two pink lines before I even got all the way in the door, and my heart sank. I picked up the test and made sure I wasn’t seeing things. There were definitely two pink lines there. My heart sank and tears flooded my eyes as I carried the test back and sank to the floor by Midge, sliding down the wall until my ass landed on the blanket.

“Well?” she asked. Her stern tone had that mothering feel again, and the look on her face told me I was about to hear a lecture of epic proportions.

I thrust the test in her direction and she took it. I didn’t have to say anything else. I had to have been so drunk I never paid attention to whether he used a condom that first night. It was the only explanation. Daven and I hadn’t done anything after my last period. I knew it was Lucas.

“Aw, shit. Sugar daddy is now baby daddy.” Midge handed me the test back, clicked her tongue at me, and shook her head. “Honey, you’re done for. You know what this means, right?”

“Stop,” I wailed, covering my face. I let the test drop to my lap and cried so hard I thought I’d start vomiting again. I covered my mouth with my hand, as if that would stop any vomit from escaping, and sobbed.

“Hey, it’s okay. Seriously, you’re going to be fine. If he doesn’t want it, he has enough money to help with that.” I knew she was trying to be comforting, but she didn’t know me. I could never do that. “And if he does want it, he has enough money to support you.”

“Midge, please.” I laid my head on her shoulder and wept. “This is the worst day of my life.” I tried not to be dramatic, but things were getting worse in spite of my recent upswing of luck. “I’m going to lose my figure. I won't have any jobs. I’ll end up homeless. Lucas will think I am a money grubber or a gold digger. He won’t talk to me ever again. And Mom—oh, God. Mom will freak out. What if she makes me move back in with her?”

“Whoa, Vera. One thing at a time. You have a shoot tomorrow, and your face is going to look awful, so sit up straight and stop crying.” She pried me off her shoulder like a good friend would and patted my cheeks until I snapped out of it. “Your mom can deal. This is real life. You don’t have to keep it.”

“Yes, I do. I swore to myself when I was a lot younger that I would never make my children feel like I didn’t want them. My father was a horrible person and just left me alone. I won’t just throw a baby away because I don’t have the time. I will not be like him.”

“Well, it’s a little different,” she said. “But I understand. Okay, then you have one option. Man up. You made the bed, now sleep in it. Vera, I got your back, okay?” She squeezed me, but somehow, her reassurance just didn’t reassure me. This wasn’t just an uncomfortable bed to lie in. This was a life-altering situation I wasn’t sure I could handle alone.

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