Page 4 of Got to be You

Two Months Later…

What am I doing here?I think to myself as I find myself in the middle of yet another essay. It’s stifling, unpleasant, and really hard work. I don’t feel like I’m getting anything from it either, not like I did in the first couple of years during my college course. Now, it just feels like it’s taking time away from what I should really be doing, writing and performing music. After all, that’s my dream, my passion, my future. I just want to skip ahead to that part and be there already. This little bit in the middle is frustrating.

It’s just so long, so hard to do, so much for me to take in. The more I try, the more I feel myself pushing back, like there is a war raging inside my head and I’m definitely not winning.

“Urgh, this is driving me up the wall.” I flop back on my pillow and yell out with anger. “I can’t stand it any longer. I want to just skip off to Hollywood now and start my career. This year is a waste.”

“You don’treallyfeel like that, do you?” Adam asks me sadly. “I know you aren’t too happy here at the moment, but you don’t want to leave. I mean, we’re so close to the edge, we might as well keep on going to the end, don’t you think? The light is at the end of the tunnel now. Let’s keep going.”

“It doesn’t feel like we’re nearing the end anymore,” I admitted sadly. “I just don’t know if I can do it.”

Adam doesn’t say anything. He lets me wallow in my dreams for a little while, my dream of packing up my bag and leaving this little room and getting my sorry ass to LA or wherever to start being a rock star already. I imagine spending my time sending samples of my work to recording agents rather than writing musical theory essays because that just sucks. I’m sick of it.

“What would your parents say?” As soon as Adam asks me this question, I’m reminded of why I haven’t walked away just yet. Because of my father and his need for me to have a college education. He has always instilled in me that for whatever I do in life, I need a good education. Something to fall back on. And I do agree with him, which is why I applied for a deferred place at college before I went traveling, just so my father would be okay with my life choices. And I’ve gotten so far. It would be a shame to walk away now.

But when I agreed to get an education first, I didn’t realize that it would make me feel like this.

“I know, and I agree, Adam. My father would kick my ass. He would hate it if I left now. But I just don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I’ve it in me. Would he want me to do something that makes me so unhappy?” I sigh loudly, because I’m sure that he would just tell me to get over myself. “I don’t know.”

“You should sleep on it before you make any rash decisions,” Adam insists. “It might be the second-year slump hitting you now. I don’t think you should walk out just because of one essay.”

One essay. He doesn’t get it. He thinks that it’s just this one essay getting me down, but really, it’s everything. This is a feeling that I’ve had for a very long time, but I’ve only just now felt okay to talk about it. This year… I don’t know what it is, but it’s making it hard for me to breathe. I don’t know how much longer I can just sit here with the walls closing in on me, blocking me in place, wrecking my life. My lungs are squeezed tight enough as it is. I can’t get enough air inside me to breathe properly.

“Yeah, I’ll sleep on it,” I tell Adam sadly. “I’m going to have a nap now, see if I can get rid of this feeling.” This all-consuming, crushing sensation that wants me dead. “Thanks for the talk.”

“Yeah, well you know I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”

He is. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. But still, I don’t think he gets me and what I’m going through. Probably because he isn’t putting as much pressure on himself about the future like I am.

As I allow my eyes to close and I block the rest of the world out for a little while, I wish there were someone I could talk to whoreallyunderstood. Someone who had been through it before and knew what to do for the best. Do I do what my father wants of me? Do the smart thing, or do I follow my passion and strike out on my own? It would be a risk for sure, a massive one, but there could also be a massive payoff. I might be missing out on so many chances while I’m sitting here unhappy.

Usually, as I drift off to sleep, I’ve songs flowing through my brain, but just like it has been through the last few nights, my brain is annoyingly silent. It’s like all of my inspiration has been sucked from me and I don’t have anything left within my body. My brain has been emptied by all of this. There’s nothing left. Not a scrap of the person I’ve always been. College is stripping me of my personality.

I want to write, to sing, to perform, to be the real me on the stage. This isn’t me anymore. I know I’ll disappoint everyone if I walk away, but right now, I feel like I’ll destroy me if I stay.

“Hey, Jax, are you okay?” I’m disturbed from a black, dreamless sleep by someone shaking my arm hard. “Sorry to wake you, but you’ve been asleep for hours. All afternoon and night as well. I don’t know if you have classes today, so I thought I'd better wake you up just in case. If you want me to.”

“Urgh…” I growl uncomfortably as I prize my eyes apart. “What’s going on? Did I really sleep so long?”

“You did.” I open my eyes to see Adam smiling at me. “But you looked like you needed the sleep, so I didn’t want to wake you. At least not until now… is everything alright with you, man?”

“I think so,” I groan as I push myself up into a sitting position. “I feel a bit better now.”

I’m not sure that’s exactly the truth, but I don’t want to worry Adam more than I already have done. My little depressed rant earlier must not have been good for him. I now need toovercompensate with happiness… urgh, can I really do that? Do I’ve the emotional energy? I’ll have to try.

“Well, good, because I think I might have the answer for you.” Adam furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Well, it might not be theanswer, exactly, but I think it’ll help boost your spirits.”

He hands me a flyer, and I have to blink a few times before I can see what’s on it, but as soon as I do, my heart skips about ten beats. “A music competition? In the city? You think I should do it?”

More to the point, why haven’t I ever thought of that? I’ve always been thinking of the end goal, of where I want to end up playing music, but I haven’t considered the smaller gigs to get me there. I haven’t exactly played in front of a crowd, and I’m going to need to learn how to do that, aren’t I?

My God, the idea of having a goal, any goal that feels directly linked to my future, is incredible. I feel weirdly that little bit lighter already, like I might be able to escape this mess after all.

“Of course I do.” He chuckles. “I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise, would I? I think you’d be brilliant at it. And it gives you something other than college to focus on, doesn’t it? And hey… you might even get discovered… if that even happens in this day and age. I don’t know if it works like that.”

I stare at Adam in shock. He really is a great friend, isn’t he? I don’t know what I would do without him. As he smiles at me, I get a little choked up but just about manage to grin back at him.

“That’s really kind of you, Adam. I don’t even know what to say apart from thank you.”

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