Page 19 of Guarded By the SEAL

What I really want to ask is why he ran off in the middle of the night. I would much rather know what’s going on inside his head in that department, but I don’t think this is the right place to ask. Plus, an outright rejection might sting somewhat and send us spiraling back into that weird place from before. I don’t need awkwardness. I would much rather keep on going forward, whatever that looks like.

“Er, yeah, please,” he replies distractedly. “I actually just heard from my boss, and everything is fine with your father. It seems like they really have everything under control over there.”

“Oh, right, good.” Thank God my mind didn’t immediately go to my father. I would have been extremely worried that things had gone badly for him. “Well, I will get started now, then. Anything you want?”

He simply offers me a one-shouldered shrug which gives me nothing to go on, but I suppose I will work it out. Actually, itseems like Harry is being funny with me, not because of me, but because of yesterday. I guess even though we had amazing, mind-blowing sex in every possible way, and we both know it would be just as incredible again, he doesn’t want to do it again. Probably work worrying him.

Not that I would ever tell his boss, of course. I wouldn’t tell anyone what we’ve been up to. That’s between me and him. It could have been an awesome way to waste our time here and forget about our pasts… but whatever. If he wants to forget all about it, then I can do the same thing. No problem.

I flick the radio on as I sort out breakfast to give me some music to listen to. I need something other than the aching silence right now because it’s making me paranoid. I don’t want to start going into a dark place in my mind where I blame myself for everything. He certainly seemed to be having the best time with me yesterday. I don’t want to taint those memories with self-doubt. I mean, if Jake can’t love me…

Not that I’m thinking about Jake right now. I really don’t want to ever think of him again. Not when even the image of him in my head makes me sick. I just don’t know how I ever married him now, how I never saw what he was capable of. I didn’t want to see it, and that’s what the issue was. I refused. But not any longer. Somehow, I’m going to come out of this situation stronger and better. In control of my life.

“Breakfast is done.” I have to repeat this a couple of times to make Harry come inside, and even when he takes a seat at the table beside me, he isn’t really with me. I kinda need to say something. “You okay?”

I keep it breezy and casual, not wanting to alert him to any worries I’m experiencing. I don’t need him thinking that I’velost my head over him already. I’m only really so bothered because we’re the only ones here. Harry is my only source of communication, and if he is off on some other planet, then I’m screwed.

“Er, yeah.” He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, his cheeks slowly losing their color. “I was just thinking.”

Uh-oh. Thinking can’t be good. Not when he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I stiffen up and brace myself, trying to prepare myself for whatever the worst might be.

“I was thinking that I need to head over to the mainland. We need some shopping.” Oh. I don’t know what to say to that one. I wasn’t expecting that. “And I’m worried about leaving you. I know that it’s safe here on the island, but I don’t know if I will feel like you’re going to be safe if you’re here alone.”

“Well, I could just come with you,” I offer immediately. “I wouldn’t mind seeing what it’s like there.”

Harry shakes his head no, shutting me down before I can get any funny ideas. “No, that isn’t a good idea. Just in case there is anyone out there who recognizes you or is looking for you. Then they will know exactly where to search, and it will compromise the safehouse entirely. It’s not worth the risk.”

“Right.” I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. That only leaves one option, doesn’t it? “Okay, well I will stay here, then. I can barricade myself inside the house if you are worried. Then you’ll know I’m okay.”

I don’t know if I will actually go through with that because I wouldn’t mind another dip in the pool, and that’s something I can do while he’s gone if I feel safe enough. But if Harry needsto hear me being careful, then that’s what I shall give him. I just hope that it helps enough to lift his mood.

“I wouldn’t go if I didn’t need to,” he reassures me, like I can’t already see that plastered on his face. “But we’re running out of stuff, and if we are going to be here for a while, then I’ll need to get used to it.”

“You think we’re still going to be here for a while?” I blurt out. “There aren’t any signs of anything calming down or whatever? I mean, I don’t know how these things work, so I’m not being critical.”

“I couldn’t tell you that at the moment, unfortunately,” he admits. “Obviously, every case is different. This is a unique one. We need to stay here until we know for sure that you are going to be okay.”

“I know.” I hang my head low, feeling bad now for even asking. Harry is clearly just trying to do what is right by me, and I suppose I haven’t been the easiest person to be around. “I appreciate it.”

A moment of thick, meaningful silence clings to the air before he responds. “I will go today. This morning. The sooner I get onto the mainland, the quicker I can be back, and everything will go back to normal. Or at least as normal as it can be while we’re on this island.”

He lets out a little sound that I think is supposed to be a laugh but comes out much too strangled for that. This immediately lets me know not to ask what he means by normal. Does he mean we’re going to return to just hanging out, or will there be another day like yesterday? I guess only time will tell.

“Right, well, I will prepare myself for a day inside, then.” I offer him a lopsided smile. “And look forward to your getting back. Just try and be quick, okay? Because I don’t know what it’s like to be alone.”

As soon as I say those words, I wonder how much they will apply to my real life as much as this mess. Because I really will be alone once I leave here. Starting again all by myself is going to be one hell of a challenge. I have always had someone with me. First, my father and then, Jake. But I can do it, I will do it, there is no doubt about that one. I’ll make sure I do it to prove everyone wrong… including my own doubts.

I watch the boat pull away from the upstairs window in the house, feeling a little bit like an odd part of me is going as well. Like Harry has taken a little bit of me with him to the mainland. Maybe it’s the curious part of me that just wants to know what’s going on in the rest of the world.

“Oh, well. All alone.” I have to admit it’s an odd feeling to think that. “No one else here but me.”

I thought that I would be out there right away, enjoying the time by myself, making the most of it, but my enthusiasm to jump headfirst into the pool has dissipated somewhat. I would really prefer to be watching Harry come the other way, back to me, and hopefully in a better mood as well. I would much prefer him to be in some kind of mood that I can read because the not knowing is honestly really hard for me.

“I can’t miss him,” I murmur to myself as he vanishes off into the distance. “I can’t like him that much.”

None of this can be a ‘like’ thing. Feelings have absolutely no place here. We are only going to be in one another’s life for a very short time in the grand scheme of things. Sure, it might turn out to be a very memorable time, for me at least, but it’s never going to become anything. Just because we’ve had sex, I certainly shouldn’t start thinking that way. I don’t want my heart broken again.

“Don’t get all in your head, Petra,” I whisper, now becoming irritated with myself. “Don’t attach any emotions to this. It isn’t real life. It’s just a little break from everything. Nothing more.”

---