Page 10 of Silver Fox's Intern Dilemma

What had I done?

9

SOPHIA

Ithought I had shaken it. I really did. I spent all day Sunday just focusing on self-care. I went for a long walk and did yoga. I got ice cream and soaked in a hot bath. I studied my note cards—this time without Maylin annoying me—and I hadn't thought of Jack more than a few times.

But this morning, the instant I walked into the hospital, the only thing I could think about was his lips on mine. I smelled some man's cologne in the elevator and it resembled the scent of Jack's. Then I scolded myself for thinking of him as "Jack" instead of "Dr. Thornton". I washed my face in the women's restroom and tried focusing on more things I knew I had to improve on as far as my job went, but all my hard work of stuffing my attraction to him into the darkest corner of my mind was pointless the instant he walked into the room.

Dr. Briggs and I heeded Jack's call, following him out into the hallway. We had that patient last week who had an appendectomy and we had to go through his final check before we dismissed him. Usually, the attending did stuff like this, but I was still learning and apparently, Jack decided it would be good for me to do.

We stood in the hall outside the patient's room looking over all his test results and blood work, and I was so close to Jack I could touch him. He seemed laser focused, while I kept feeling flustered and overwhelmed. He smelled good and he was so good-looking. His words oozed charm and intelligence, which only made things worse. He was hot and he was smart, and I felt like we needed to have a discussion to clear up what was going on.

"So, what do you see?" he asked me, handing me the tablet in his hands. The patient's chart was open on the screen and the results readout showed above normal numbers for his white cell count.

"The infection is abating but still present. I suggest we…” I froze, staring at the screen. My brain felt fried. I didn’t know if we should send him home with the infection still lingering. After the surgery and removing more of his cecum, Jack advised a longer stay to ensure the infection was gone before he went home. A man this age would have more trouble fighting the infection, and with a comorbidity of diabetes, it made sense. "I think we…” I fumbled for words and looked up at Jack as Dr. Briggs jumped in.

He sighed hard and huffed at me. "We give another shot of antibiotics and monitor for twenty-four more hours. That or we can send him home with a stronger broad-spectrum with instructions to have a follow-up in three days."

I winced as Jack narrowed his eyes at me and turned to my co-intern. "Good, but next time, let Dr. Chen answer. Now, Dr. Chen, what antibiotic should we put him on, and which measure do you suggest we take?"

My heart hammered and my palms were so sweaty I almost dropped the tablet. I looked back down at the screen and scrolled through the screens. It was like I forgot how to navigate the entire software. I couldn’t find where it showed whatantibiotic he was on right now or where it showed his other medications. I swore he was on Metformin, but where it listed it was a mystery to me in my flustered state.

"Just a second, I…” I let my words trail off as I swiped through the different panels in the software but still found nothing.

"Geesh," Dr. Briggs said, snatching the tablet away.

I winced as I saw Jack's scowl and I felt so foolish. This was all my fault. I had let my sister play with my head and I knew the ethical implications of that. My parents would be so ashamed of me. I was ashamed of me. I just wanted to go back to the standard of professionalism we had last week, where Jack was just my boss and I was just the skittish intern.

"Here.” Dr. Briggs handed the tablet back, and it was on the screen with the patient's medications. But it was too late. I had upset Jack and he took the tablet away from me.

"Dr. Briggs, would you please go order a round of ceftriaxone and another stick tomorrow? Tell the patient he'll be released as soon as his numbers drop." Then he turned to me. "Dr. Chen, please come with me."

I followed Jack up the hallway toward the doctors’ lounge with my head hanging. I felt like a puppy who had done something bad and was about to be scolded. I hated the feeling, but worse, I hated myself. I was the one who couldn’t hold it together and I was making it awkward, so I was really glad when the doctors’ lounge was empty and Jack shut the door behind us.

"What the hell is going on?" he hissed, and his scowl was so severe I thought he'd bite my head off. "Normally, you're socially awkward. You're never this bad." He crossed his arms over his chest and made his biceps bulge. I was sure he didn’t mean to do it to provoke a reaction from me, but I couldn’t help but notice.

"I'm so sorry. I'm just…” I bit my lip and looked away. "I am having a hard time focusing around you. That kiss just keeps being stuck in my head. I just…”

"Okay, wow.” Jack sighed and ran a hand over his face. His hair, which was loose and wavy on Saturday night, was bound under a scrub cap again, but it didn’t detract from how handsome he was. "Look, I spent the last two nights regretting that. Okay? I've been nervous you were going to bring it up. I don’t want it to interfere with our work, but clearly, it will. I in no way intended to use my position as your boss to manipulate you into doing that and?—"

"No, please.” I almost called him Jack out loud. Doing that at an after-hours fundraiser was one thing. Doing it while on the clock was a huge no-no. "It was my fault. I'm the one who initiated physical touch by holding your hand. We just… I just… I need this internship so bad. I can't mess it up."

"And this" —his finger pointed at me, then at himself— "can't happen. We work together and it's against hospital policy. Not to mention it will only cloud our judgment for work and make it harder for us to truly function."

To me it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself that he didn't want it to happen, not that it was off limits. And that only made the monster inside me hungrier. I liked that he liked the kiss, that he was trying to fight off his own temptation. But it made no sense why I'd nuke my own job and career path over a man who was way too old for me and out of my league. My parents would never approve.

"And I have so much studying to do. I really need the one-on-one time with you without it being distracting to me. My entire future is riding on proving myself in this job and to my parents." I chewed the inside of my own cheek, now trying to convince myself it couldn’t happen too. There were so many reasons.

"My job is what supports me and my daughter. If HR found out something was going on, I'd be fired. I can't risk that." Jack sucked in a deep breath and jammed his hands into his pockets and shook his head. "It's just a bad idea. We'd get involved and when things didn't go well, we'd be bickering at work. Someone would find out."

"And I need to focus on really learning. You can't teach me if you're distracted by frustrating emotions or sexually charged tension between us." I wiped my hands down the front of my scrubs nervously and wondered if Jack had been standing this close the entire time.

"And with my one-on-one time with you and the extra coaching, I barely have time for my daughter. I'd never have time for a relationship." Jack's eyes dropped to my lips and I licked them, feeling the tension building. I knew it wasn’t just me. He was moving closer. His hands had come out of his pockets and he cracked his knuckles.

"Oh, we can do that at the same time. Your little girl is so sweet. I don't mind sharing the time with you so you get more time with her. She could help me study." I was breathless and Jack was inching toward me.

"I just… I'm not sure if I can focus on helping you with her around, but that's a very helpful suggestion, and…” His words hung in the air as he focused on my mouth.

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