Page 32 of Christmas in His Arms

"I'm in love with you, Carrie. Don't break my heart. I want a life with you. I want to see if what we have could work." I whimpered as he kissed me again and hooked his fingers around the back of my neck to keep my mouth firmly pressed against his.

My heart was breaking. Tears welled up in my eyes. Any woman in the world would melt at such a romantic moment with a man declaring his love and telling her to stay. I could do it—stay here, damn the consequences. But he would never want me. I washaving a baby, and he didn't want children. He divorced his wife over it, for fuck's sake. And I couldn’t take the sting of rejection when I told him that I was going to have a baby and he suddenly no longer wanted me.

It was easier to put up a wall and hurt myself.

"Ryan, I can't. I have a job. Chicago is my home now. And what would Dad and Mom say?"

My words made him stiffen, and he pulled away slowly. He sighed, and I wished I could see his face. I wished he could see the tears in my eyes because this was destroying me.

"I'm sorry…" I whimpered, but he climbed out of bed and groped in the darkness for his clothing. I wanted to plead with him to stay, but there was no point. We'd never be together because we were too different about something that was impossible to change. If I weren't pregnant, I'd consider giving up my dream of being a mother someday just to make him happy, but I was, and I couldn’t change that.

Ryan dressed and walked out silently, and I let myself sob into my pillow. I didn't hear him leave, nor did I hear his car. The silent retreat destroyed me more than my own self-hatred over rejecting him. I was a horrible person, and I should've told him a long time ago like Lisa said to. Now, he had a broken heart and felt like I didn't want him, which couldn't be further from the truth.

24

RYAN

Carrie and I had a special moment last night, but this morning, it was all gone. All the closeness, the magic, even the feeling of being more in love than I've ever known. All gone.

I sat at my desk, staring out the window at the car lot, feeling numb. I could only blame myself for jumping in so fully with my heart on my sleeve. I'd known better than to let my emotions get carried away. Carrie was such a young beautiful woman with so much ahead of her. I knew how she felt about Evergreen Falls. I knew how she was so passionate about her career and seeing the world. I'd heard Walter talk about it for years. I also knew how much she respected her parents and what they’d say about all of this.

My heart felt like it'd been drained of energy and life. I couldn't concentrate on work. I had no appetite. I could only sit and stare blankly. The glimmer of hope I had was fading into nothing, and I was a husk of a man.

"Ryan," Marge said from my doorway, glancing over her shoulder as if making sure no one was listening. "Can I talk to you?"

My eyes swept across the room to meet her gaze, methodically searching her expression to discern what she might be thinking. I couldn’t tell what she wanted, but I doubted I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"Sure," I grunted, tearing my eyes away from the sunlight reflecting off the cars outside.

I leaned back in my chair but left my hand draped on my desk. I'd been running reports for our taxes again, but I knew I'd probably made mistakes. I'd been so distracted, someone would have to double-check my work. Which meant I'd have to explain to Sam why I was distracted, and that was another can of worms I didn't want to open. I'd have to think up a lie that was believable.

"Sir," Marge said, slipping into my office and shutting the door behind herself. "People are… Well, they're sort of talking about you." She crept over and sat in the hardwood-and-vinyl chair across from me with a wince on her face.

"And?" I asked, raising one eyebrow as I pursed my lips in frustration. I knew people were talking. I didn’t care.

"Sir, everyone watched you kiss that Bennett girl under the mistletoe the other night…" She pretended to care, but she didn't really. What she wanted was to make me squirm—or to find out more juicy details about what was going on to fuel the rumor mill.

"And?" I said again, still not giving a single fuck.

Her eyebrows both rose and she straightened her shoulders. "Well…" She paused and then cocked her head and leaned in. "I just think it's inappropriate, don't you think?"

There it was, her true motive. I said nothing, waiting for her to let the real snake out of the bag. I'd heard more gossip about myself in the past month than could last a lifetime, and none of it even bothered me. Most of it was true.

"Sir…" She scowled. "You're kind of old for that."

"Marge," I said, standing up, "I'd like you to leave my office now." My temper was flaring and my voice was already raised, and this time, I didn't care what people thought. I didn't care what they said about me or what rumors they'd spread. I was furious, and poor Marge was bearing the brunt of my poor emotional management.

"You can say what you want about me. You can spread rumors and gossip. You can even judge me, but I swear to God if you say one more negative thing about Carrie Bennett, this whole town will know about the time you had to go home because you peed yourself when you coughed because you had pneumonia. And when that rumor dies down, they'll learn how you flirted with the new guy and chased him away from the dealership."

I wasn't a gossip hound like her or the rest of this town and I didn’t relish the thought of telling people other people's dirty laundry. I'd just had enough.

Marge's eyes grew wide and her face blanched. She stood slowly and with perfect posture as she retreated from my office. I was fuming mad, my chest heaving, and I knew I should never have told her off like that, but all the building of anger and discouragement had me so upset, I didn't know how to functionanymore. Carrie had rejected me, and right after I thought we'd connected so deeply. It was obvious to me that she wasn't in love with me, and I put my heart out there for no reason.

I was a fool and I knew it. A fool for thinking someone as perfect as Carrie—regardless of age—would ever fall for an idiot like me who couldn't function like a normal person. I sank into my chair and let my head hang. My heart was bruised and battered, and I'd taken it out on Marge, and I didn't even feel bad when I did it. But now, I felt like a total ass. Yes, she deserved it for being a gossip, but all it did was make me look foolish without context.

I buried my face in my palms and sighed hard. This thing with Walt's daughter was ruining me. I didn't know if I'd ever fall in love again. I didn't know if I could. Kate had captured my heart in different ways, and our divorce trashed me in ways I never knew I could be hurt. Then Carrie comes along and stirs emotions I refused to allow my heart to feel for so long. This hurt worse than Kate, the divorce, or even watching them lower her into the Earth.

A knock at my door had me perk up a bit. I thought maybe it was Marge here to apologize, but when the door swung open, I saw it was Sam. He hovered by the door hesitantly for a second.

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