Page 39 of Christmas in His Arms

"Where'd Ryan go?" I asked casually, though I heard the emotion in my own voice as it shook.

"Oh, he had a gift he left in the car," Dad explained, and he patted the recliner next to himself. "Come sit."

I hovered at the bottom of the stairs waiting, and before I even started moving toward Dad, the door popped open and Ryan walked in carrying a large wrapped package. There was a dusting of snow on the shoulders of his button-down and his hair, and he shivered.

"Cold one out there," he said, sounding a bit more cheerful now.

"Ryan, could you help me carry my gifts down? I only finished wrapping them today. They're still in my room, and I might have to wrap one too." I bit my lip and noticed his stride slow. His shoulders dropped a notch and he scowled at me, but when Mom looked up, he faked a smile.

"I'd be happy to." His voice was tense, but that plastic smile remained. He set his gift by the tree and kicked off his shoes. Then he followed me up the stairs and with every step I took, my heart pounded harder.

When I reached for my doorknob, my hand was shaking. My palms were sweaty, my head hurt, and I thought my tongue would never leave the roof of my mouth. Ryan followed me into my bedroom and shut the door behind us, and I turned around to see his glare.

"You lied to me," he hissed, but he was smart enough to keep his voice low.

"What? No…" The words were a knife in my heart.

"You swore you couldn't get pregnant and then you did. Did you plan this? You meant to get pregnant on purpose? You thought it would be okay? Did you even think about what Kate did to me, Carrie? Did you?" His words came out in a jumbled rush, and I didn't know what to say in response.

I stammered for words as he continued the onslaught until I thought I was going to cry. I couldn’t cry. Mom and Dad thought we were just wrapping a gift and carrying presents down. If I came down with puffy eyes, they would know something was going on.

"Ryan, fucking shut up!" I whisper-shouted, and his eyes went wide. Before he could let loose on me again, I had to get it all out, and the most shocking way was the only way. He'd never shut up. He was too angry. "The baby isn't even yours!"

When I spat the words out, I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted him to know I hadn't lied to him. I would never lie to him.

But the hurt on his face gutted me. He backed toward my bed and sat down, and his face turned from hot anger to cool devastation. I realized in a split second that even if only with a tiny part of him, he wanted this baby. I saw it on his face and he didn't even have to say it to me.

"Ryan, I had a one-night stand in early October." I walked over and sat beside him, but I was careful not to touch him. "We didn’t have sex until almost Thanksgiving, and yeah, that first time, there was a slip, but before we even had sex the second time, I knew I was pregnant."

"So you…"

"So when I promised you there was no way I could ever get pregnant, I meant I was already pregnant, and I knew you couldn’t do that to me too." Tears welled up, and I couldn't stop them, but I knew Mom and Dad would probably chalk it up to pregnancy. If they questioned it, maybe I'd just tell them the truth. It wasn't like Ryan and I were moving forward. Even if he'd changed his mind and wanted kids, I was moving. I couldn't stay here.

"Carrie, I…" Ryan raked a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I didn't talk to you for so long… I thought you lied to me. I just kept seeing Kate's face. She purposefully went behind my back and stopped taking her birth control." I could see the shock and pain starting to surface, and the compassion and love he had for me was returning. It made my heart ache now, because while I wanted closure, I didn’t want my heart to get torn out again.

"It's okay. I knew you’d be hurt." I hung my head. I couldn’t look him in the eye for this part. It was going to hurt so bad. "I thought we were having a fling at first, then my emotions started getting involved and I pulled back. I didn't want to hurt you more when you found out I was actually pregnant with another man's baby and I was leaving town. Then you said you loved me and…"

"Your heart got involved?" he asked, turning to face me.

I swiped at my eyes and nodded, but I wasn't brave enough to say it. I was so in love, but my life wasn't here in Evergreen. It was in Chicago, and maybe even New York. I didn't know if I could stomach living in this town with the people and all their hatred.

"Carrie?" I heard Mom call, and I sucked in a breath.

"Can you stay after Mom and Dad go to bed? We can just tell them we're going to watch a Christmas movie and drink eggnog." I bit my lip hopefully.

"I wouldn't miss it," he said, then he cupped my cheek and kissed me softly. It made warm butterflies shoot through my body, actually calming the roiling nausea I felt. When he pulled away, he smiled more brightly than I'd seen all day, though there was still a trace of sadness there too.

"Let's get down there before they come looking." I stood and picked up a few gifts from the floor at the foot of the bed. Ryan grabbed the rest and we headed downstairs. "Sorry," I told Mom as we set the gifts under the tree, "I had to wrap two I forgot."

Mom accepted the explanation but Dad looked skeptical. I sniffled and started passing out gifts. Both Mom and Dad loved the gifts I gave them, and I felt better already. I had the nurturing support of both of my parents, and at least things were civil between Ryan and me now. I felt like if the conversation continued in a positive way, I'd be okay to leave in two days and return to Chicago. And if that job did pan out, I'd move to New York. Maybe things would work out, after all.

30

RYAN

My chest was a maelstrom of emotions, roiling, rolling, tossing around inside my gut. I sat mostly in silence as the family passed gifts back and forth. Carrie gave Walt and Helen a getaway he'd been wanting to take. I thought it was a sweet gesture, and it only confirmed to me again how amazing she was. Guilt wrapped around me like a weighted blanket when I thought about how unfair I'd been to her the past almost two weeks.

"Oh, it's so perfect," Helen cooed, holding up a beautiful pink cashmere sweater Carrie picked out for her. It was beautiful, and it complemented Helen's skin tone so well. Carrie wasn't just thoughtful, she was a romantic. Her gifts held deeper meaning than just practicalities.

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