Page 27 of Single Dad's Christmas Cookie

“Thank you. If you decide you want more, there is plenty. You’ll be having it for lunch tomorrow,” she said as she carried everything out of the room.

I patted my belly as I stood. It was perfectly flat, even though I was full enough that I almost expected it to round out. I stepped around the coffee table and over to where my daughter lay sprawled out on the floor. She was so peaceful and beautiful. My perfect little angel.

I lifted her into my arms. She weighed practically nothing and was all long, skinny arms and legs.

“You need to eat more of Nova’s chili,” I whispered. And to think Mother was concerned that she ate too many cookies. Any food this child ate, she immediately burned off.

I shifted her when I got to the stairs.

She murmured something.

“Hush, hush, go back to sleep,” I whispered.

The nightlight was already glowing a soft pink in the far corner of her room. I gently placed her on her bed. She was as limp as a rag doll as I carefully took her shoes off. I contemplated wrestling her into her nightgown but decided her clothes were soft enough. One night sleeping in them wouldn’t hurt. She reached out and grabbed her stuffed cat, bringing it against her face for cuddles.

I sat on the edge of her bed and gently patted her tiny back, soothing her back to sleep.

“Daddy.” Her voice was tiny and barely above a whisper.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Is this what having a mommy is like?”

I froze. My heart skipped a beat. Amelia didn’t ask me too many questions about having a mother. She knew she had one. She knew her mother had made other choices. Choices that weren’t us.

“Go to sleep.”

Amelia rolled over and looked up at me. “Is Nova like a mommy?”

“No. Nova is our cook and your nanny.”

“But she’s nice, and she had dinner with us, and she likes us.”

Nova did like us. And we liked her. I knew Amelia adored her, and my motives were wholly different. I liked her very much. But none of that made Nova like a mother. Was there a difference, emotionally, between someone willing to be called ‘Mommy’ and one who insisted on being called ‘Mother’?

How did I tell my kid I didn’t know what it was like to have a ‘mommy,’ someone who was emotionally available and actually liked her child? My mother barely had a maternal bone in her body. The woman who had given birth to Amelia had run away when she clued into the reality of having children…

“I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know.”

I sat with her for a long while, making sure she was asleep before I got up. I took my time heading back downstairs. Was I trying to avoid Nova, or was I trying to figure this question out for myself before I faced her?

Nova was charming and beautiful. Her smile brought joy into my home. Her very presence made my daughter happy. And what thinking about her did to me… She was fully distracting in a way that I had nothing to complain about.

I hadn’t thought about finding a mother for my daughter once in the past four years. Had I been selfish keeping that away from her? I had my own issues surrounding that loss and abandonment. Was I seriously thinking it was time to find a mother for Amelia and a wife for me?

When I thought about Nova, it was not to contemplate getting a mother for my daughter. Nova elicited thoughts of seduction and sweaty bodies twisting together. There was nothing wholesome and family oriented when it came to what I thought about Nova. But could there be? I enjoyed her company. Amelia certainly did.

I returned to the den. I stared at the Christmas tree. Amelia and Nova had done a good job with it. It felt right to have one up this year. After a few moments, I scanned the den and collected a few glasses that had been left. I carried them into the kitchen.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” Nova said when she saw me carrying in the glasses. “Is Amelia still asleep?”

“All tucked in.” I placed the glasses next to the sink.

“Thanks for inviting me to stay for dinner,” Nova said as she rinsed the glasses.

“It was Amelia’s idea,” I admitted. “And it was a good one. I see no reason you couldn’t sit and enjoy the tree with us.”

“You spoil her,” Nova said.

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