Page 53 of Scarred Heart

Déjà vu.Once again, I was left weak by a sudden revelation.Instead of finding my name slandered in the press, I was facing down my own stupid, knee-jerk reaction.“You’re sure that’s what you heard?”I asked, my head spinning, my pulse racing.

“And Mom is so sad,” she continued.“That’s why I called.I was with her every day last week, and she just kind of sat there.She tried to be happy, but she couldn’t.And I heard her crying all the time.Please, don’t tell her I told you,” she added in a rush.“I don’t want her to be embarrassed or anything.”

“I promise,” I assured her almost without thinking.It couldn’t be true, could it?Why would she lie?

Just when I thought she couldn’t break my heart more than she already had, she asked a question that threatened to tear it from my chest.“I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”

“Listen to me.”If there was one thing I could get right, it was this.“You did nothing wrong.The things that are going on all started before you were born.From way back, a long time ago.You are an amazing, wonderful girl, and I am so glad to get to know you.No matter what happens between me and your mom, that’s not going to change.I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then how come I didn’t see you for two weekends?”

Fuck.She was not making this easy.“You know what?You’re right, it’s unfair.I don’t want to avoid you just because things are messy right now.”That was the nicest way I thought to describe it.

“Why does it have to be messy?Can’t you just make up?”

“Hannah, I’m going to tell you a secret.I messed up.I messed up really bad.”Talk about the understatement of the century.I had single-handedly fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me.I should have let her try to explain.Why didn’t I let her?I’d said unforgivable things.How could I ever make up for that?

“Are you still there?”Hannah asked.

“I’m still here.I’m not going anywhere.”My thoughts were racing, ideas bouncing around inside my skull.“I have to find a way to make it right.”

“What are you going to do?”There was excitement and hope in her voice.I loved hearing it even if I wasn’t quite sure how to respond just yet.

“I’m going to figure it out,” I decided, getting up from the couch and putting aside the depressed bum act I’d perfected over the past week or so.“And I think I’m going to need your help.Will you help me?”

Her gasp brought a genuine smile to my face.“Yeah!Just tell me what to do.”

Out of the long list of mistakes I’d committed, pushing Rowan away had to sit near the top.I could only hope it wasn’t too late to win her back.

20

ROWAN

“Mom!Hurry up!”Hannah skipped along a few steps ahead of me, somehow managing not to spill any of her popcorn out of the large bucket.How did I let her talk me into buying a large when it easily fed a family of four?

“Would you relax?”I asked, already exhausted by the almost manic energy she’d bombarded me with all day.“The movie doesn’t start for another five minutes.And there’s going to be twenty minutes of previews.I bet you.”I had only reluctantly agreed to go to a movie Saturday afternoon after my first week back in the office.Not that I would ever let her see how reluctant I was.As far as she was concerned, I was starting to get back to my old self, though nothing was further from the truth.

She had always brought so much to my life and still did, but now there was a raw, aching hole where Spencer used to be.Before this, there was always the secret hope that one day he would come back to me.Now, I understood how long I had nurtured that fantasy without admitting it to myself.The possibility had always been there and had granted me strength in my darkest moments.

Where was I going to get that strength from now?I had to be strong for my girl.I would have to learn to be strong without hope burning in my chest.

Hannah held open the door to the theater at the end of the hall, one of a dozen in the multiplex where they were playing the latest superhero movie.She was starting to get into them, probably because the other kids in her class were as well.I was already in the theater and standing beside the back row when I realized something.“Why is it empty?”I whispered.

Why was I whispering?There was nobody here to hear me.

“I don’t know.This is the time on the tickets.”She showed them to me, and sure enough, we were in the right theater at the right time.

“We just got lucky.We get the whole theater to ourselves.”Though I doubted it.Somebody else had to show up.Somebody who shared my belief that it didn’t really make a difference how early you showed up to a movie, especially now that theaters like this one let us pick our seats in advance.

We were in one of the center rows, our seats toward the middle.“Now let’s be careful with the popcorn,” I warned, remembering the way she threw up after the last movie we went to.“Once we get halfway down this huge bucket, I’m going to set it aside for a little while.”

“It was only a dollar more than the medium size,” she reminded me, exasperated.

“And that’s how they get you to spend more money.”Wow.I was sounding more and more like my own parents every day.What a pleasant thought to add to the other pleasant thoughts I’d been entertaining all week.

It wasn’t long before the lights went down, and the screen lit up.I settled in and prepared for two hours of mind-numbing explosions and CGI effects.Hannah vibrated with excitement in her seat.I had no idea these movies meant so much to her.Apparently, I needed to reacquaint myself with my daughter after weeks spent with my head in the clouds.

Instead of aComing Attractionstitle card, the screen went white.Animated letters appeared against the background as if some invisible finger was writing them in anold-fashioned script.

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