Page 38 of Because of Her

“What?” I scream.

“You love him.”

“I don’t love him.”

I say the words, but they aren’t the full truth. From the look on his face, I’d say Noah can see through the lie. I hadn’t acknowledged it to myself before now. Even though I knew what the feeling was, and I was still trying to shove it down, pretend it was something else. But it’s not.

I’m head over fucking heels for Callum, but my shitty broken uterus and my aching heart will never let me have him.

The realisation is swifter than a slap to the face, and with it comes a flood of emotion I thought I had moved past. I thought I was healed, that my goals had realigned and I knew what I couldn’t have, and what I didn’t want. And then Callum showed up across the hall. In the space of a few months he weaselled his way into my life, gnawing a deep pit in my chest. At first, I was torn between needing a friend and having a crush, until I found out about Maisie.

Now I’m torn between being with the guy I’ve grown to love, and being the adult I thought I was happy to be for the rest of my life.

I don’t know if I could ever be the kind of person to put the needs of a child above my own. And I’ll never get used to the idea someone else will come before me in my partner’seyes. Even if that person is his child. But I also don’t think I’ll ever get over the vision of Callum in my head.

The one where we are together.

Tears pool, spilling onto my cheeks.

“I can’t do that to him.”

Collecting my buckets, I storm past Noah, and up the sloping winery towards the back parking lot where I left the van.

That saying replays in my head as I walk, the one about loving someone and setting them free. I never liked it, because I always felt that if you loved someone you would never trap them in a cage in the first place.

Maybe it would be best to talk to Callum first. But I can’t stand the thought of my heart shattering every time I’m around him. I hate the thought of losing Callum as a friend, and to ensure that never happens I need to set a boundary to protect us both.

Cassidy: I’m sorry about freaking out. Friends still?

I finish loading the van and pull out of the car park without waiting for a response. It’s waiting for me when I get home.

Callum: Friends always.

CASSIDY

Callum: No pressure, AT ALL, but do you want to come hang out today?

The message lights up my phone screen when I step out of the steaming bathroom. My water wrinkled fingers catch on the screen as I stare at it, still wrapped in my towel with my hair dropping water down my back. Undecided if I want to hang out today, or any day.

While it changes everything about the future I kept imagining, Callum having a child doesn’t necessarily have to change the friendship we have.Isn’t that what I told myself?I put aside the lust that crawls through me once before, I should be able to do it again. And I’ll just ignore the other ‘L’ word that creeps into my thoughts next to Callum’s name. Shouldn’t be too hard.

It’s not even been a week since I ran into Callum and Maisie in the hall, and although it was jarring at first, I’ve settled into the idea of Callum as a father. I’m not bitter. At least not anymore. I’m coming to terms with where our relationship can go from here, and it’s strictly platonic. No matter how hard I’m still crushing on the man.

Having wrapped my hair in the towel, I pull on a pair of leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. Drafting a response in my head, I want to come across as casual, laid back, easy breezy. But I feel anything but.

Cassidy: Why would there bepressure?

Cassidy: Are we monkeys now?

Cassidy: What are you planning?

I delete them all, hating myself for allowing this unwelcome vein of anxiety. I throw my phone on my bed to unwrap my hair when it vibrates again. The anxiety bursts through me and I rush over, panicked I accidentally sent one of the messages I thought I deleted. But I didn’t.

Callum: I have Maisie with me, I thought you should know. But we are going to the ballet exhibit at the Light and Sound Museum, and I thought of you. Leaving in fifteen, if you’re home and want to come. NO PRESSURE.

Fuck. I really want to go. But I’m not sure I can.

The Light and Sound Museum puts on incredible displays, showcasing artists or artistic styles in a way they aren’t shown anywhere else. I’ve never been, but I’ve seen footage of the way animated light shows are projected all over the walls and floor, immersing patrons within the paintings and videos.

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