Page 67 of The Cowboy's Country Charm

“And the person doesn’t make it?”

He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut.

“And you have these dreams a lot?”

He opened his eyes but didn’t look at her. Just stared off into space. “Used to get them most nights while I was serving. Now, it’s been less. But I still get them now and again.”

She slid down to rest her head on his chest and listened to the rapid beat of his heart.

“How long have you been getting these?”

“Since I was a kid.”

“Since you were a kid?” If it was linked to his deployment, she could understand. But as a kid?

He let out a huff. “It’s not something I like to talk about.”

“I’d like to know.” She didn’t want to force him, but sometimes it helped to talk about these things. She counted six heart beats before he spoke.

“My friend drowned when I was nine. In a pond. On our ranch. We were skating on the pond when it wasn’t completely frozen. By ourselves. Miles from the house. I couldn’t save him. I went for help, riding as fast as our old pony could take me. But by the time I found my pa and he came out, my friend was gone. In the spring they found his body.”

Her throat tightened, and her heart felt like it was in a vise. How could any child deal with such tragedy? “That’s horrible.”

“I vowed I would never be that helpless again.”

His voice had a fierceness she’d never heard before.

“You were a kid. You must know it wasn’t your fault.”

“We shouldn’t have been skating on that pond. He insisted we skate, but I should have known better. I did know better.”

“That’s a heavy burden to carry around.” And likely enough to give someone, anyone, nightmares, much as he seemed to relish being Rusty to the rescue.

“I think it’s part of the reason I went into the air force, into pararescue. I wanted to learn enough that I would never feel helpless again.”

“But you said not every mission was successful.” How could it be? By his own admission there were too many variables.

“That’s the part I didn’t figure on. Because when I wasn’t successful, it would trigger these nightmares, and they would come in waves, over and over again. Sometimes it would take months for them to go away. But they’re never gone for long.” He sounded tired, defeated.

“So wouldn’t becoming a policeman subject you to more of these tragedies? You won’t be able to save everyone then either.” Now that she knew his truth, concerned bubbled over like a boiling pot on high flame.

He shrugged. “In my mind I know I can’t save everyone. Just need my subconscious to agree.” He shifted to his other side, away from her. “I’m better than most at it.”

“I don’t think it works like that.” She snuggled up to his back. Laid her hand on his hip. “You’re a brave man, Rusty. And you’re very capable. But maybe you shouldn’t keep re-traumatizing yourself this way.”

“I’m fine. Just a little nightmare. Is it a deal-breaker?” He sounded weary. And apprehensive.

She raised her head to look over at him. “Of course not. I just hate to see this happen to you. You sounded frantic.” He didn’t say anything but laid his hand over hers. She nestled her head against his back. They stayed like that awhile. Not talking, just listening to each other breathe. “Was it the snake by the creek?”

“Maybe.” He turned so their bodies were front to front. Then he rubbed his hand up and down her back, as if she were the one who needed comforting.

“Is that part of the reason you didn’t want to work the ranch?” That would also explain why his family was so understanding about his not wanting to take it over.

“Maybe. I wasn’t lying, though, when I said I didn’t want to do it for the rest of my life. But it’s not easy passing by the place where he drowned. Always feel I have to stop out of respect. And I do. Say a prayer. Talk to him. And then that helpless feeling comes rushing right back.”

She kissed him again, because she didn’t know what to say. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed her close to him. “I know what would take my mind off of it. Yours too.” Then he gave her a soul-searing kiss.

This time she woke to the sound of Rusty sliding out of bed. Dawn was inching its way through the window, leaving the room cloaked in gray light. She heard one of the horses neigh, while the other one was snorting and blowing.

---