Page 33 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“You got me,” Jennifer said, scratching her head.

“They couldn’t find their seats!”

Jennifer, Mr. Jackson and Jimmy George Carrots were the only ones who laughed.

“I got one,” Jennifer said. “The other day I pulled into my driveway and someone had painted a big number three on my garage door. Do you wanna know what I said?”

Shitty Ritchie was also game to play. “What did you say, oh, one, who enjoys swatting bahookeys?”

Jennifer winced, took a swig of wine then answered. “I said, that’s odd. Get it? Number three is odd!”

Good one, friend,” Tim said, giving her a thumbs up.

Shitty Ritchie laughed so hard, I thought he might choke. If he did, it was on him. I was pretty sure no one here wanted to give the turd mouth to mouth—especially with his past…

“Umm… not the kind of facts about the number three we’re looking for,” I pointed out.

“Of course,” Tim said, flipping a few more pages. “My apologies. Here we go. In numerology, the number three is very often associated with communication, optimism and creativity.”

Heather leaned forward. “Well, if we’re going this route, the number three has a lot of religioussymbolism. The Holy Trinity from the Christian human bible teaches that the trinity consists of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”

Gram chuckled. “Kinda like you, me and Alana Catherine when we visited Fake Bob Barker and Fake Monty Hall.”

Her comparison wasn’t lost on me. I’d thought the same thing. In order to get to the Higher Power, we had needed all three of us. The past Death Counselor—Gram, the present Death Counselor—me, and the future Death Counselor—Alana Catherine.

“Or the three branches of the human government, set in place for checks and balances,” Gideon said.

My smile was rueful. The irony was so obvious. The Immortal world could definitely use some checks and balances. The Higher Power was abusing Its authority in a big way with no one to stop It.

“Does the number three hold power in the Immortal world?” I asked.

Charlie appeared thoughtful. “Not per se,” he said. “However, there are many rules of three in all cultures. In plenty of art forms the rule of three is pertinent—story telling, comedy and magic. It’s said that the rule of three makes life complete.”

All of this was interesting, but I didn’t see the throughline. How in the heck did this pertain to whatever Jimmy George Carrots was trying to tell us? I glanced over at him. He didn’t seem upset by the conversation, but he wasn’t real involved either.

“Fairy tales and TV shows often have the number three in the title,” June offered. “Three Little Pigs, the Three Bears,Three’s Company.”

“Loved that show,” Shitty Ritchie exclaimed, then proceeded to sing the song that opened the show while doingjazz squares. Alana Catherine giggled, and Jennifer joined the little freak.

It was a silly break in between the convoluted mess we were trying to wade through.

“None of this explains why the unknown and very dead Immortals wanted June,” Gideon reminded everyone.

The silly time was over.

“Or me,” Jennifer said.

“And it sure as fartin’ testicle boobin’ hell don’t tell us why the Higher Power wants Alana Catherine.”

“I HATE THE HIGHER POWER,” Shitty Ritchie screamed as he continued to do jazz squares, but with much more force. “That’s why I live in a cave in the middle of nowhere. I don’t have any friends. I have never been able to fornicate or do the bongo bunny or get frogged or have horizontal refreshment or make any whoopie or…”

Candy Vargo couldn’t take it. She electrocuted Shitty Ritchie right in the bahookey. It shut the little freak up immediately. However, since no one was sure how he would retaliate, we all stood up and sprinted for the front door. I didn’t care that it was raining buckets outside. It was preferable to getting caught up in a tornado or having the house come down on our heads.

Before we could get a foot out of the front door, Shitty Ritchie screamed, “AGAIN. Do it again!”

Every single person froze and looked back. The tiny man’s butt was on fire and he was grinning from ear to ear. It was the weirdest thing I’d seen to date.

“Love it! Do it again, Candy Vargo!”

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