Page 107 of Rebellious Hearts
Alex was silent for a moment, studying my face while he was thinking, and his scrutiny made me squirm.
“Look, it doesn’t matter, anyway,” I said. “It’s not like I’m cut out for a relationship, it’s not like love is for me.”
“Why not?” Alex asked.
“Because I’m not like you,” I blurted out. “I’m not the guy who has it all, smooth and charming and the catch of a lifetime. I’m the fuckup who didn’t belong anywhere, the scum, the runt off the streets.”
The words had just tumbled out before I’d managed to stop them, and as I said them, Alex’s eyes widened more and more.
“Is that what you think of yourself?”
My chest suddenly felt tight, the office felt like it was closing in on me, and I wanted to escape.
“No,” I said tightly.
“Ben… you’re not the runt or the fuckup. You’re one of us. You’re an equal one of us four brothers. Without you, we wouldn’t be the family we are.”
“If my family wanted me, if I was worth keeping, I wouldn’t be here in the first place,” I said through gritted teeth, trying to find some anger and hold on to that instead of melting into an emotional mess.
“If your family was worth it, you would be with them, but they were pieces of shit who didn’t understand what it meant to be a parent. There’s nothing wrong with you, Ben. It’s all on them. They were the ones who fucked up and let you go.”
I shook my head, not knowing what to say.
“Look, before I met Charlotte, I didn’t think I was worth much, either.”
I blinked at Alex. “Really?” It was tough to imagine that the almighty Alex Blackwood hadn’t thought he was worth it.
“Yeah. My parents abused me. They beat me up so bad that the state had to take me away, and I was convinced that that horrible abuse was in my bloodline, that I would be like that, too.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d never seen this side of Alex, never heard him be this open and vulnerable.
“Charlotte showed me that where I come from doesn’t have to define me. It can shape me, but I choose who I want to be in the end. And I choose to be a good, guiding father to Tommy. And to the next children we have.”
I shook my head. It was a lot to take in, information overload, and I had to sort it all in my mind.
“Not everyone finds their happy ending, Alex,” I finally said. “Not everyone gets to be happy and I’m not like you. I won’t find my Charlotte.”
“Ben… maybe you already have.”
I snorted, trying to shrug it off, but fuck it, my emotions were so damn close to the surface I was a ticking time bomb, andeverything Alex had said just pushed me closer and closer to the edge of a breakdown.
“I thought she loved me, too,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I don’t know how to deal with the fact that she doesn’t. I don’t know how to pick myself up again when before, I never let myself fall in the first place.”
“What made you think she felt the same?” Alex asked carefully.
“Just… everything. The way she looked at me. The way she touched me. The way she saw into me, seeing a different person than the asshole I love to portray on the outside.”
Alex chuckled at that. “Oh, we all know that guy pretty well.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, she saw past all of that. And then… it all turned out to be a lie.”
“Maybe you should talk to her, Ben,” Alex said.
I shook my head. “And say what?”
“The truth,” Alex said. “Tell her what you told me.”
“No way,” I said. “I’m not baring my soul a second time, and there’s no way in hell I’m telling someone that shit if they don’t even care about me.”
