Page 53 of Digging Deeper

I gaspas I sit up, my eyes opening, my throat choking on the sobs forcing themselves out. My chest is tight, my heart filled with pain. I can’t hold in my loud weeping as my entire body trembles. Brutus and Nana both try to climb onto my lap to soothe me, so I latch onto them, crying into Nana’s fur as Brutus licks my neck. Taylor’s soft blue eyes, and his sweet smile, keep flashing in my mind’s eye, making the pain sharper.

“Gavin?” Drix’s voice drifts over to me as he bursts into my room, taking in the scene quickly. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

The sobs are still so forceful, I can’t speak, but I try to shake my head.

Without an ounce of hesitation, Drix crosses the room and pulls me into his arms, holding me tight against his chest. He rubs my back and whispers quiet words I hardly register. “Shh… I’ve got you… I’ve got you, sweetheart.”

That makes me cry harder, and I cling to him, holding on for dear life. And he lets me. Drix holds me and rocks me and caresses my arms and back until I cry myself out.

He waits a few minutes before whispering, “Can you tell me what happened?”

I swallow, and the motion hurts my throat, sore from crying so hard. “I-I…” I blow out a calming breath and close my eyes. I need to tell him, I know I do. I never wanted him to know how broken I truly am, but after seeing my breakdown tonight, he deserves an explanation. “It was… I was remembering. When I was nineteen… I lost… everything.” I sit up, drawing my knees up to wrap my arms around them. Brutus pushes himself up beside me while Nana rests on my feet, and Drix keeps his hand on my back, offering his silent support. That alone means more to me than he can understand.

I pet Brutus’s head, focusing on his fur while I speak. “My parents weren’t great growing up. My dad was an addict, and my mom was in and out of the house, doing god only knows what. They mostly ignored me, which meant I had to fend for myself for… as long as I can remember. During the school year, I made sure I got myself to school every day because I knew they’d feed me lunch.” I shrugged. “Sometimes that was the only food I got to eat, but it was… fine.” I feel Drix tense, but he doesn’t say anything, so I continue, “When I was in fourth grade, I met Taylor. He was one of the only kids at school that was kind to me—the dirty, poor kid. He and I clicked right away, and his mom started inviting me over after school and sometimes even to spend the night on weekends.”

A few tears fall as I picture Sarah’s face. I have to take a few calming breaths to get it under control. “Anyway, on my thirteenth birthday, Sarah and Alan—they were Taylor’s parents—they threw me a little party at their house. It was just us, but they had cake and balloons and streamers, and they made a huge deal out of it.” I smile at the memory. “Taylor told me he wanted to give me his present in private, so after we had cake, he took me up to his room, shut the door, and just stared at me.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask.

He flashes that bright smile at me. “I’m trying to get up the courage to give you your present.”

“Why would you need to—”

“He kissed me.” I laugh and shake my head. “He surprised the shit out of me, but after a few seconds, I kissed him back. I think I loved him from the moment he sat with me at lunch and told me we were friends when we were nine.” The memories are beautiful and painful at the same time, and I start rocking a little, but Drix doesn’t let his hand fall from my back. It helps ground me. “We were each other’s firsts for everything.”

I chance a glance at Drix to see his expression, and he sends me a soft smile, so I sag a little and stop rocking before continuing, “When we were sixteen, my dad saw him kiss me goodbye when he dropped me at my house, and my dad… beat the shit out of me before kicking me out.”

“Jesus, Gav.”

I send him a smile. “It’s alright.”

“No, it’s really not.”

“It turned out alright, for a few years at least. I ran straight to Taylor, and even though I didn’t want him to, he told his parents what happened. They took me in without hesitation that night, and when it became clear that my parents wanted nothing to do with me, they asked me to live with them permanently. They didn’t adopt me since my parents were kind of assholes about everything, but they got custody of me when I was… seventeen, I think. They treated me like their own, and it was… it was the first time I ever had a family. They helped me with everything. I got a job, even though they told me I didn’t have to and they never accepted any money from me, so I saved up.

“They helped me get into college, they let Tay and me rent an off-campus apartment together our freshman year, and it was… amazing. Taylor was… we loved each other, we had our whole lives, you know? But those months we got to spend, just the two of us together, were… incredible. The Hoffers showed me what it meant to be loved, and I… I loved them, all three of them, so fucking much.” My chin trembles and tears fall again, but I wipe them away.

“You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to,” Drix whispers as he scoots closer to me and pulls me against his side. I keep my arms locked around my legs, but I lean into his touch.

“I want to.” My voice is quiet, but it’s the truth. I want to tell him everything.

“Okay.” He presses his lips to my temple. “I’m right here.”

I smile through my tears. “I know. It was spring break of freshman year. I had a paper I had to finish, so I stayed behind while Sarah and Alan forced Taylor to join them because they missed us. I was supposed to meet them at the party when I finished up, but they… they never made it to the party. A car ran a red light and collided with the driver’s side, but… it pushed their car into the pole.” I take a deep breath. “They say Alan was killed instantly since he was the one driving and got hit head-on. Sarah, she… she died at the hospital before the police were able to contact me, so I… I didn’t get to say goodbye to either of them.”

My tears are leaking so badly that I don’t bother to wipe them away anymore. “He never opened his eyes again… It took… it took Taylor three days to…” A sob escapes my chest, a strange keening sound that I’ve never heard come out of me before. “I lost my whole family.”

Drix scoops me into his lap, hugging me to him and whispering sweet nothings in my ear as he kisses my temple and rubs my hair over and over again until I calm.

“Taylor started calling me ‘brown eyes’ in middle school,” I whisper.

“Oh shit, Gav, I’m so sorry—”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know.” I sigh. “I miss them; I miss my family. The last thing Tay said to me was, ‘Until we meet again, brown eyes.’”

“God, I—”

“It’s okay.”

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