Page 18 of Rise By Sin

Right there, in that moment I wasn’t any of the things I pretended to be. I was strong, or brave or fucking capable! I was scared and alone, and the only person I wanted to reach out to – the one person who I ever allowed to see me at my worst like that, was gone.

I was angry with myself for hiding from him. I had wanted nothing more than him at my side since I woke in that hospital after being shot. I had needed him more than words could say for the year since, but I hadn’t reached out. I hadn’t even allowed myself to admit it. I’d become bitter and hidden from the one person who was still alive to care about me because I’d been ashamed of what a let down I was. I had ignored him as much as I could and pushed him away when I should have been pulling him close and leaning on him like I knew he’d have let me do.Now he was missing and I really was alone and it was all my own stupid fault.

I don’t know how long I’d been sitting there when I heard the door above me creak open. I hurried to swipe the tears from my face with one hand as I struggled to get up awkwardly so whoever it was could get past me, but I had to have been sat there a while since my legs were so stiff they did not want to communicate.

“Easy love. It’s just me. You can sit back down.” Jack’s voice washed over me like a soothing balm and for a moment I sighed, relieved that he was there, then reality hit me as I caught sight of him jumping down the stairs two at a time to get to me, landing perfectly at my side, looking just as sexy as he had that morning in all black.

“What are you…how?” I squeaked as I leant heavily against the wall to my right side.

“Gibb was worried about you. He’s been keeping an eye on you down here since you left his office. He called me,” Jack explained. Ge was subdued for him as he looked me over and I knew I had to look quite a sight.

“You know Gibb? Did you know he leant Colt that money?” I demanded. Had he lied to me?

“I know Gibb because he comes to poker night at Colt’s sometimes. I had no idea he leant Colt the money though,” Jack explained, holding his hands out between us like he would if I were a feral animal he tried to fend off. “What happened? What did he tell you?”

“Nothing much,” I shrugged as I swiped at my still watery eyes again. “Colt already paid back what he owed, so the guy who came to my place had nothing to do with that.”

“You’re crying. What happened?”

I let out a frustrated puff of air as I slid down the wall until my ass hit the cold stair once again. What the hell was I even doing there? Now Mace knew Colt was missing, surely it was better to leave him to investigate. I was in no shape, which I was only willing to admit to myself, and being back there was pulling me to pieces.

“I don’t understand why you even care so much, Jack,” I whispered weakly. “It’s been so long. Shouldn’t you be married with kids by now?”

“Shouldn’t you?” he asked as he sat on the step beside me and bumped our arms until I looked up at him and saw the playful smile dance across his face.

“That was never in the cards for me. I decided that a long time ago, but you…you could have any woman you wanted. You and whichever supermodel you chose could have had the most perfect children by now, surely?”

“It wasn’t in the cards for me either, Ave, not after you ran away from me and Mace.”

“What?” I turned and stared at him. “What the hell are you talking about? What have I got to do with your future, or Mace’s?”

“You were our bloody future, Ava!” he growled as he lowered his head and pushed his hands through his hair. “We wanted you.Didn’t you see that? Didn’t you feel the bond between us? Didn’t you want us too, for fuck’s sake? How could you do that? How could you just walk away from us and take everything we built?”

“Everything we built?” I scoffed. “We scened together. Was it amazing? Fuvck yes it was and I felt the bond between us, but we were never more than that. Neither of you ever even tried to see me outside of the club.”

“We were waiting. You were in college and so focused on getting to Quantico and fulfilling your dream. We didn’t want to mess it up for you, so decided to wait until you finished college before we made it clear what we wanted. To be honest I was pretty sure you already knew though.”

I sat there stunned int silence for several moments. I hadn’t known. I mean, I knew I was falling in love with them – both of them, but I never thought my feelings were returned.

“No,” I shook my head. “That night….you and Mace…you…” They were with that other sub. I could still hear Jack’s voice in my head telling her how good she’d done. If they were in love with me, they wouldn’t have done that, would they? I know I would never have allowed any man, let alone another male dom to touch me. It would have felt so wrong wit the feelings I had for the two of them back then. “We don’t have time for this!” I snapped as I shook it all from my head and forced myself to get to y feet. It was the past, and even though Jack had just told me what I had always wanted to hear, it wasn’t real. They loved me then. They would never love me now. They couldn’t.

“Ava I’m telling you I love you. Mason loves you. We have always loved you for all of these years,” Jack almost pleaded. “Just tell me what you think happened that last night. Colt told us youwere at the club. Did someone hurt you?” he demanded, and instantly a flashback of a darkly masked face loomed before me.

“Will you atone, sinner?”

All I can smell is a mix of my own blood and the musty dark space around me. The whip cracks against the floor so close I swear I feel the air move against my bound right hand and I cry out in terror.

“Ava!” My eyes snap open and Jack is before me, his hands wrapped around both of my forearms holding me tightly as I shake so hard we can both see it. “Jesus love. Where’d you just go?” he gasped as he stared into my glassy eyes.

“Jesus fuck!” I gasped as I pulled from his hold and leant heavily against the wall as I caught my breath. I leant against it and turned to face Jack again when I felt I had control, and felt guilty at the panic that I saw in his beautiful sky blue eyes. “Sorry. I’m s-so fucked up. You have no idea,” I tried to reassure him.

“What was that?” he asked.Good question, I thought to myself. It had been years since I last had a flashback like the one’s I’d experienced in the last two days. I had learned a long time ago to take back control, but now they were hitting me like a bulldozer before I could do a damned thing to stop them. “Talk to me, Ave. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” I told him firmly as I forced myself to pull away from the wall and reached down for my stick. “Worry about Colt. He’s the one who needs it right now.”

“Ava…”

“No Jack!” I looked up at him with resolve and determination. “I’m not the woman you knew before. Can’t you see that? Whatever could have been between any of us before can’t ever happen now, and I don’t want to talk about it again. I just want to find Colt and get him home safely, okay? Nothing else matters. Don’t waste your energy worrying about me. I don’t need your help or your pity!”

---