Page 82 of Woman on the Verge

Accompaniment on the potty (said she was scared)

Lunch

Expression of funny faces for several minutes to elicit laughter

Fifteen minutes of pre-nap lullaby singing

And we are just at the midway point of the day.

She gets to have so many needs.

I get to have none.

Mothers are expected to sacrifice all, and do so calmly and contentedly.

Adrienne Rich inOf Woman Born: “What kind of love is this, which means always to be for others, never for ourselves?”

Maria McIntosh, describing the ideal wife and mother in 1850: “She must learn to control herself, to subdue her own passions; she must set her children an example of meekness and equanimity ... Never let her manifest irritated feeling, or give utterance to an angry expression.”

Sometimes I wonder this terrible thing: Do I regret motherhood?

I love Nicole, I do. But it appears impossible for both my love for her and my love for myself to coexist.

One must go.

I do not regret Nicole. But yes, I regret motherhood. These are different things.

Motherhood, like marriage, has become an institution of female subjugation. Its demands require women to abandon all else, to give all to the children, with nothing left for themselves or the outside world (which is just fine with the patriarchy, of course).

Motherhood didn’t used to come with such demands. They are by design.

It’s no surprise that in the 1920s, just as women were cropping their hair short and exercising their newly won right to vote, researchers were urging mothers to return home and pay attention to the emerging field of child development. It’s funny—women are told that they are biologically wired to mother, that they are naturally capable in a way men never could be (which seems like a compliment, but is really a designation of duty), yet they are also told that they need guidance, that they must constantly study ways to be better at their “natural” vocation.

Similarly,parentfirst gained popularity as a verb in 1970, right at the same time women were takingoff their aprons, taking the pill, and fighting for equal rights. This new verb imposed on them a task, something that required their devoted action. They were called toparent.

With all the social pressure on mothering, it’s no wonder that mothers began to show signs of distress.

In 1957, E. E. LeMasters wrote “Parenthood as Crisis,” which states that 83 percent of new mothers and fathers in his study were in “severe” crisis. He chalked this up to being confined to the home without usual social outlets or time and space to pursue personal interests.

Another quote fromOf Woman Bornby Adrienne Rich: “My children cause me the most exquisite suffering of which I have any experience. It is the suffering of ambivalence: the murderous alternation between bitter resentment and raw-edged nerves, and blissful gratification and tenderness.”

The ambivalence is profound.

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