Page 1 of Desperate Times

one

. . .

Crimson

Rain was normally my safe haven. I looked forward to it. It calmed me and gave me a sense of renewed feeling. But not this time; lately, nothing has refreshed me. I lie in bed listening to the thunder crackle through the sky, followed by heavy rain hitting the roof of my humble attic apartment. Exhaustion settled into my bones as the weight of my chaotic life washed over me. Another sleepless night had carried over into an early morning, and I’d be fighting to stay awake the whole day.

No one tells you what motherhood is like. The cute pregnancy announcements, over-the-top maternity pictures, and extremely lavish baby showers are only the beginning. But still, when you have those things, it makes the reality of being a mother a little easier to digest. I had none of it. I went through the last five months of my pregnancy alone when I found out my daughter's dad had done me dirty in the worst ways. One day, he was promising me a happily ever after. The next, his girlfriend, now wife, showed up with a belly bigger than mine and holdingthe hand of their two-year-old twins. I went from main squeeze to side piece in a matter of moments. And he was unapologetic about it.

I’ll be honest. The reality of being a single mother stung more than finding out he had another family. After unfortunate events, I sought solace in Que. One thing led to another, and now we have a daughter. But realistically, there was no true connection; only what I forced. My need for safety and security pushed me towards him, and he turned out to be a walking hazard sign. I learned my lesson, perhaps. But days like today filled me with regret. Knowing my account was negative like always, with a car in the shop, no way to work, and Scarlett being low on diapers, made me regret not my little angel, but who her father was.

After a quick prayer and reviewing my favorite affirmations, I pulled myself out of bed. My body was heavy from the weight of it all, but I couldn’t let it show. I had to keep it together. Scarlett was my world, and I would do whatever it took to make sure she never felt the fear and uncertainty I sometimes couldn’t escape. I checked her crib, kissed her forehead, then grabbed my cell. Texting my co-worker was the only way I could get a ride to work. I wanted to make him my last resort because he called himself liking me, but I had to put my ego aside.

Two hours later, we were navigating the slick roads from the early morning drizzle. Christopher talked mindlessly about Lord knows what. I offered him a half smile as if I was paying attention. However, my mind was running marathons trying to figure out my negative balance, paying my aunt, and everything else that caused me to feel this financial strain. It wasn’t until he called my name that I finally paid attention to him.

“Huh, what did you say?”

“I said," Do you want coffee, hash browns, or something? It’s on me.” Christopher smiled.

“No. I’m good.” I lied, ignoring the growl in my stomach.

Christopher continued with his order, and I was grateful knowing we were right down the street from the bank. When we got there, I thanked him for his generosity and darted to my little office while he stood in his usual spot as security guard. I spent the first hour taking a deep dive into my finances. I knew better. But the eviction and payday loans had finally caught up to me. Those payday loans were taking a chunk out of my checks every two weeks, making it impossible to catch up on normal bills and to pay off the loan itself.

Now it was time to work. Customers came and went, and I did my best to keep it professional. Each transaction was a little distraction, and each conversation was a small moment of relief from the storm inside me. By the time I got off work, I was desperate. Not only did I allow my financial issues to exhaust me, but I refused to let Christopher and his flirting add to it. I was grateful when my friend Venus agreed to pick me up.

“Girl, you look like you’ve been through hell,” Venus said as I climbed into her ride.

“I’m fine. Just… you know, life,” I muttered, but even I knew it sounded weak.

“Life?” she scoffed. “Baby, you’ve been drowning for months. Don’t give me that shit. Talk to me, bff .”

“I’m just tired, Venus,” I finally said, my voice was unrecognizable to myself. “Man, I’m always running, always trying to keep my head above water, but it never ends. Every time I think I’ve got a handle on things, something else falls apart. Like it’s embarrassing. Me, Crimson…. needing all this help. And I know my ego is talking right now, but you know I’ve always been super independent. Needing so much assistance is blowing me.”

Venus didn’t say anything, instead she just let the silence fill the car for a moment. I could feel her eyes on me as herhand gently rested on the steering wheel while she processed my words. From what I could tell, it wasn’t pity in her gaze. Although Venus had her own shit going on, she still somehow made space for me, even when I felt like I was taking up too much of it.

“Crim, I can help you. You know Shad left me money,” she said after a pause, her voice was quieter now, “You don’t have to struggle with Scarlett.”

“You didn’t tell him I’m staying with his mama, did you?”

“No, of course I didn’t. But-“

“No buts, Venus. I miss my cousin truly, I do. But I don’t want to be another person he’s worried about while he’s locked up. Still no word on when he’s coming home?”

She hesitated, then replied. “No.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as my eyes filled with tears. “I miss Shad, and him.”

“Jahsir?”

“Yeah. All of the shit I go through daily isn’t as torturous as me replaying our last day with each other. We spent the entire day and night together. Then he disappeared without so much as a phone call. If he ever comes back, which I doubt he will, he better not say shit to me! He ain’t in jail, so he better be dead! That's the only excuse he gets for not keeping in contact with me.”

“You don’t mean that, Crim, you’re just hurt.”

“Damn right I am. And now my only focus is Scarlett.” I added while gathering my phone and dropping it into my work tote. Venus pulled up in front of my aunt's house and put the car in park. “Thank you, girl, I really appreciate you. I got you on the gas.”

“Girl gone, you ain't got no damn money!” She raved as we both fell into laughter. “Get ya broke ass out of my car!”

“Aye slow down on callin me broke heffa. Thanks again girl.”

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