Page 136 of Did They Break You

His thumb brushes over my bottom lip, his hand still wrapped tight around my throat as we stare at each other. “Having second thoughts?” he asks me quietly.

“Have you fucked her… since…” I trail off, scared of the answer.

His grip tightens, but he forces himself to loosen it, his fingers flexing then curling against my skin again. “No.”

“Why?” I whisper, the word quiet in the cabin of his truck.

“I don’t want to,” he answers me, his voice low.

“Why not?” I press, desperate and nervous to hear more truths.

“Remi,” he scolds me, “why are we talking about someone who doesn’t matter?” His hand trails lower, down the front of my dress, his fingers grazing my breast.

I suck in a breath, trying to focus. “We’re talking about you,” I tell him, aware of his hand dipping into the cup of my bra.

“I don’t want anyone else,” he admits quietly.

My pulse flies. “Why?”

He palms my breast and pulls on my nipple. I wince, but don’t move as he takes in my face. My eyes, as he plays with me. “Because I want you.”

“I won’t be your dirty little secret.”

He scowls at me, sliding his hand between the dip of my breasts, palming the other roughly as my body tenses. “Who said you were dirty?”

With those words, it’s like the armor of marijuana and my new and improved self cracks.

That’s all I’m good for.

They used me, because what else could they possibly want from me?

“You enjoy being a piece of meat, Remi? Just like your mother. You disgust me.”

And Cortland didn’t deny that I’m a secret. That’s all I ever could be. Maya and Chase and everyone else would fuck us over. I can’t even tell my best friend.Either of them.

I pull away from him, closer to the window. I bring my knees to my chest, my boots on the seat as he moves his hand from my dress.

“I should go, Cortland.”

He blinks, as if he can’t believe what I just said. Then he shoves a hand through his hair, shaking his head as he turns away from me. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he mutters. “What the hell do you want, Remi?”

I laugh. “You followed me out here. You’re fucking stalking me. What doyouwant? You want me to fuck you so you can forget about me? Tell everyone I really did want it? If that’swhat you want, Cortland, come do it.” He turns to face me again. “Fuck me here. Now. Get it all out, then leave me the hell alone.”

“I won’t be your blade,”he whispers. “You can do it on your own, hurt yourself while you choke on my cock, but I won’t do it for you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

My mouth drops open, and anger bubbles under my high, trying to break free from the calm, lucid surface. “You already did that to me,” I tell him, amazed my voice is quiet. I lean closer to him, my finger on his chest.“You did that.”My own chest is heaving. “You fucked me over, Cortland.”

He catches my wrist in his hand, pulling me closer, the console digging into my side. “Did I?” he asks, his voice barely more than a growl.

“Yes,” I tell him, unflinching. “I trusted you.” I feel myself breaking with every word. “I fuckingtrusted you.”Those words are jagged in my throat.

He stares at me, unblinking.

We don’t speak for what feels like minutes, time ticking by, more Deftones playing through the speakers. Until he finally says, his voice low, “I’m sorry.”

My throat feels constricted, like I can’t take in enough air.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I…” He closes his eyes, and I see the pain on his face. I don’t know how he has it. I don’t thinkhe’sthe one who should feel it. That should be me. It’smine.

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