Page 217 of Did They Break You

A lock turns in the door.

My heart nearly bursts from my chest as the light is flipped on.

And Sloane stands in the doorway, the blood draining from her face as she sees the weapon in my hand.

I drop the blade to the floor with a clatter, stepping away from Sloane, towardherside of the room. There’s no air in my lungs but I try to speak anyway as the door closes behind her.

“I’m sorry, I…” I shake my head. Shame washes over me. Pressure builds behind my eyes but I’m so sick of everyone seeing me cry. “I’m sorry,” I say again. “I didn’t know you were coming back tonight. I’m so sorry?—”

“Van called me and said he couldn’t get up with you,” she cuts me off, her voice quiet. Her hair is in a ponytail and she looks exhausted. She was with Asa, and I figured she wouldn’t come back until tomorrow.

My stomach flips with her words.

“Are you okay, Remi?” she asks softly, adjusting the strap of her purse.

I’m fine,I want to tell her. Nothing to see here.I’m just fine.

But I’m so sick of lying. I’m so tired of it.I got fucked up, and I’m not over it.I want to yell that instead.He was helping me heal and now he’s gone.

“He left me.” Those words come out in a rush and I see her surprise. “He... he broke up with me and I don’t know why he did it.” It’s the only thing that comes out. I know Sloane doesn’tapprove and I know she hates him for me, but I’m tired of trying to please everyone. Of healing only to be told it’s the wrong way.

So what if he helped me do it?

So what if he shouldn’t have?

He did, and now he’s gone.

“He said it didn’t make sense.” I’m just blubbering now and I know Sloane is confused but she knows I’ve been lying. And I can’t hold it in anymore. “He broke up with me and…” I drop my hands by my sides, staring down at that blade on the floor.I don’t want to go back to that.I take a deep breath in.“Use your fucking words, Remi.”

“I don’t understand it.” I laugh a little, tears blurring my vision. “But he doesn’t want me.”

Sloane steps closer, but she doesn’t say anything, so I keep talking.

“I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you,” I tell her, meaning it. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend this entire year. I’m sorry you have to deal with my weirdness.” My shoulders sink as I close my eyes tight, wrapping my arms around myself. Now that I’m using my words, I can’t seem to stop. “I’m sorry I’m such a freak, and I cut myself and I don’t eat and I don’t know what’s wrong with me that he fixed all of it.”

I hear her come closer, but still, she’s quiet.

“You deserve so much better, Sloane. You and Van both. I hate what I do to you. How you both worry about me, and how I suck the fun from everything.” I stumble back a step, knocking into her bed and resting against it. “I hate that I’ve lied to you, and I haven’t met Asa, and…” I take a deep breath, the tears still falling as my voice grows hoarse. I open my eyes, meeting her beautiful green ones.

She reaches for my hand, squeezing tightly as she waits.

My bottom lip trembles with her kindness. “I hate that I’m in love with him, Sloane, but I can’t stop it.”

She pulls me into her arms then and I wrap mine around her while she holds me. Her strawberry scent is comforting and she smooths her hand up and down my back.

“Remi,” she says softly, my head against her shoulder. “You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend. And best friends are here through the shit, too, you know? You didn’t choose what happened to you. And maybe he didn’t either.”

My stomach knots with those words.

“You get to decide how you write that story. Not me. Not Van.You do.And if you love him, you love him, and who am I to stop you?”

I cling to her tighter as she gives me permission to love a boy who I should hate. Who wrecked my entire world. Not once, but twice now.

“I still think he’s awful,” she continues, and I laugh at that, not pulling away from her. “But it’s your story. Your life.” She holds me closer. “I’m just lucky enough to be able to live it beside you.”

“You don’t think I’m fucked up?” I whisper, my eyes closed tight. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”

She pulls away, still keeping her arms around me as I open my eyes. Glancing at the blade on the floor beside us, she swallows. “I didn’t say you weren’t fucked up.” Her eyes come to mine and they’re shining as we both hold in our laughter. “But we all have something that makes us bleed.”

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