Page 64 of Did They Break You

His cum on my back.

My skin crawls, and the door closes behind me as I stumble into the room, my head still pounding.

I see the mini fridge tucked under Sloane’s lofted bed and I stagger toward it, sinking to my knees, trying to put last night in the basement of my memories.

But his fingers were inside of me.

He came on my back.

I taste bile in my throat, and I yank open Sloane’s fridge door, grabbing a bottle of water from the case we share.

I twist off the cap and slam the door shut, leaning against it as I gulp down the cold liquid. I close my eyes and squeezethe plastic of the bottle between my fingers. I drink until I can’t anymore, and I bring the bottle down, my knees to my chest. I’m in my jeans and hoodie from last night, and I smell him all over me.

Cedar. Pine.

A good night.

That’s what he used to smell like, anyway.

I cap the bottle, taking another steadying breath.

I’m going to take a shower. I’m going to go get coffee. One thing at a time.

Again, I feel that cum on my back.

Shower. Now.

I stand, taking the bottle with me, and walk to my desk, pulling my phone out from my hoodie pocket then plugging it into the charger. I set down the bottle, and I feel weak. Dehydrated.

Disgusting.

That hollowness is threatening to burst forth again, obliterating all the feelings of shame and anger. I sink down into my desk chair while my phone lights up, and I cradle my head in my hands.

“Don’t stop, Cortland.”

Did I say that?WouldI say that?

But the truth is, I haven’t done anything with anyone since that night. Save for myself. And I like the idea of sex. I like getting myself off. If I hadn’t been so drunk, would I have even stopped him?

I slam my fist on the desk and the scissors jump in my pen cup. Closing my eyes, I can feel his tongue on my wrist.

Why are you even here, Cortland? Here, of all places?

And he’s with Maya.

He has a girlfriend and he brought me to his house. Why?

Nerves coil tight in my gut, twisting into knots.

I hear my phone vibrate against my desk and I pick my head up, reaching for it. I have a text from Sloane.

Eager for a distraction, I unlock my phone and read her message.

Sloane <3

Be there around lunch! I didn’t fuck him yet! YAY!

Despite myself, the corners of my mouth lift into a smile. If I throw myself into conversation about her, with her, I can forget last night ever happened.

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