Page 46 of Suits and Spark Plugs

It was the first time he’d said the words, and I wasn’t sure how to reply. I mean, I still wasn’t calling him my boyfriend. So, unfortunately what I said was, “That’s so nice of you.”

His face fell, because my response was horrid. “I want to support you and love you, but you hold me at arm’s length. I’ve been driving back and forth for months, wanting more, but after dinner with your family I understand better why you’re so inexperienced with warmth and love.”

“My family loves me,” I said, defensive again.

“Your family doesn’t show that very well.”

“What do you know about it?” I snapped.

“Nothing. Nothing at all, except for a short, tense dinner weeks ago. You never invite me in, we never interact with them. Getting you to talk about them is decidedly difficult. What am I supposed to think? You don’t act like someone who’s proud of her family.”

I was humbled by his statement. I was also hurt by it, because he spoke truth. I had deliberately kept a space between him and my family. It was fear, and I knew it. Aside from my lifelong habit of not wanting to open up that way, I didn’t think Blaine would understand the dynamic. I didn’t think someone who’d been raised in a “perfect” environment could appreciate the intricacies in a relationship that at times felt based purely on mutual survival. I couldn’t—or perhaps wouldn’t—admit those things to him, so I moved on.

“What about me moving to Springfield? I didn’t know you disapproved of me working at the diner.”

“It’s temporary, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes, but not so temporary that I was planning to be gone anytime soon. It’ll be a couple of years before I graduate.”

“So, you’re willing to do mediocre until then?”

Oh, wow. That stung. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to support myself and pay for school,” I stated.

“Why can’t moving to Springfield and being near me be one of your options?”

“We aren’t even engaged, much less married. I can’t move to Springfield and let you fend for me,” I replied. “I’m not counting on anyone but myself for survival.”

“You don’t believe in being part of a team?” Now his voice sounded incredulous.

“Of course, I can be a team player. What I can’t be is someone who depends totally on another person for my welfare. I won’t do it.”

“I don’t know much, but your sister made it sound like your father has run off.” His lips pinched. “It’s not always like that. My father has supported my mother for thirty-five years.”

“You don’t know enough about my parents’ relationship to speak about it.” My tone heated with a dreadful sense of betrayal on behalf of my parents who’d had a wonderful marriage until recently.

“In Springfield things are different. You could be part of that.”

I’d said those same words to myself many times, so why did it sound so different coming from him?

We pulled up to my house, and I looked to the front window where the curtains were open and soft yellow light was streaming out. I knew what I’d find inside. Mom would still be at work, and Sadie would be watching TV. Things would need to be cleaned and Dad would be missing. I didn’t want it to be my forever, but I knew for a fact that it was okay for now and I wasn’t quite ready to move on.

“Look, Blaine.” I turned to him with sad eyes.

“Nope. Don’t say it. Tonight has been important. We finally aired some of our thoughts. It’s clear to me that you’re content here, and I won’t push you to leave it behind. I do want to ask you for a favor, though.”

“Okay.”

“Can you try to open up to me, just a little more? I know there’s so much in there that you’re not sharing with me. What I do know about you, I love. Try to trust that I’d love the rest too.”

He didn’t let me say anything more but took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. It should have been soothing and comforting, but I was too hurt to let it flow through me. When he ended the kiss with a soft smile I gave him one in return, all the while wondering what I thought I was smiling about.

* * * * *

Two days later when I showed up to work the diner was still dark, only bare minimum lighting on to allow the staff to set up for the day. Kelly, wearing a new shirt and more makeup than usual, was bouncing off the walls. I, however, was slugging around with a giant stone on my chest and the distinct feeling that I’d put on dirty jeans.

“Okay, squingy eyes, what’s bugging you?” she said to me when I refused to dance with her to one of the juke box songs. “Spill it.”

I’d been thinking a lot about the conversation I’d had with Blaine after the employee dinner. He’d made some good points about me being closed off. He’d also made some good points about my family. I knew it was true that there were better employment options in Springfield. Only, if I moved I had to suddenly pay rent and all my groceries on top of school. I’d have to find a large space for my painting—which he still had no idea about. I’d lose my friends and my support system. Blaine would become all I had. After only four months, I wasn’t sure I wanted to put all my eggs in his basket just yet. Wouldn’t you need to know you loved a person before you put it all on the line that way?

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