Page 28 of The Risks of Reuniting

"What happened next?"

"I was accepted, and when I read the paperwork and realized it was in Lima I nearly fainted. I could not believe I'd be going to the one place you'd always begged me to go." I shake my head and huff out a laugh. "It was the most ridiculouscoincidence."

"Yeah."

"Anyhow, I figured that maybe Lima was the place I could come to finish it, you know? See it, get you out of my system, and be ready to reclaim my life when I got home."

"You came to Lima to bury me?" he asks, joking but serious.

I own it. "Yeah, sort of. And to help people. Killing two birds with one stone, you know?" This time I swing my head slightly to make eye contact with him, and he's so close that I look away quickly and take another drink of my water. "This is hard."

"Being this honest?"

I toss my arms open wide. "All of this. Being in Peru, being with you, tearing back the layers and talking to you again. It's hard."

I can hear his deep breath. "Yeah. It is."

"I thought Peru would be closure, but instead it's somehow the most liberating suffering ever." I finish off the water and tap his knee with the empty bottle. "Your turn."

"Well, I came because I have the summer off from classwork and wanted to do some good. My mom suggested I spend some time in Peru. I love it, so it was a no-brainer."

Everything was a no-brainer for Holt. He'd always lived in this wholethe world will provide and things will work outway, and it makes sense that he hadn't overthought it, but simply signed up bada bing, bada boom. I envied that.

"So, you weren't in North Carolina, suffering and looking for closure? That was just me back in Utah? Awesome." I state sarcastically. "This is really making me feel better." It did explain the huge chip on my shoulder while he acted like nothing was amiss.

"I didn't say that."

"Okay, what are you saying?"

He skims his palms across his jean-clad thighs and taps his feet. "You're right, this is hard." I nod, but don't say anything. "Look, the truth is that my heart was torn out and I'm still not totally over it. My mom caught those vibes, and that's why she suggested Peru."

"Really?" I latch on to that detail about his mom. Sandra and I had been close, and I'd hated losing her and her husband, Victor, too. "You've talked to your mom about it?"

"Not talked so much as she used her mom senses on me." He grins and I do to. Moms. They're powerful. "So, yeah, seeing you in Atlanta really threw me for a loop. I've been trying to figure it out ever since. Are we okay, are we not, should I be your friend, or stay away from you? It's confusing, and there are a lot of conflicting emotions."

"You want to punch me sometimes too?" I ask playfully.

He chuffs a laugh but shakes his head. "Never."

"Oh, come on."

"Well, sometimes I hope that there aren't any cookies left for you after dinner. That's how angry I feel."

I make my eyes big. "That's just cruel. You know how I feel about cookies."

"I told you, I'm a monster."

I grow serious once more. "I'm sorry you're angry. I'm angry too."

"I wish I could understand what happened, Chlo. But I can't seem to make it all make sense."

Boy, do I feel that, deep down in the tissues of my heart. "Me too."

He looks over and this time I don't shy from meeting his eyes. "Can you make it make sense?"

I shake my head sadly. "We chose different things. We put each other second, and we're both to blame. Neither of us made the necessary sacrifice to stay together . . . and that will never feel okay."

And just like that, I own my part in it. Holt doesn't carry all the blame, and a fresh wave of sorrow hits me. I did this too.Ihurt us. It stinks. I could have followed him. He'd begged me to. But I dug in my heels, and he'd done the same. So, here we were, sitting in a foreign country, saying that we both still hurt but nothing much had changed.

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