Page 78 of Ride Me Cowboy

Yes, I do. Christopher didn’t want me getting a sense of value from an employer, to be validated by a job well done. Heaven forbid I should leave the house and do something I enjoyed. He wanted me right where he could keep an eye on me, control me, own me, in a way that sends shivers down my spine.

“I need to get my mind off things,” I say, and God knows that’s the truth. “Being out here, it’s helping.”

“But what about us?” she asks, a hint of petulance in her tone. “You’re not the only one who misses him, you know.”

Guilt is like a rock, squashing my whole torso, so I can barely breathe, much less think.

“Having you here, for mom’s birthday, it’d feel almost like he was here. If you’re both gone…it’s too much. Too hard.”

I squeeze my eyes shut but it doesn’t stop the tears from forming. I totally understand what she’s saying. Two empty seats at the table will really draw attention to what’s missing.

“Me coming back doesn’t change anything,” I whisper. “He’s still gone.”

Elsie sobs and I feel awful. I imagine her trying to hold everything together for her parents, whilst juggling her own grief, and I’ve abandoned her completely.

But I tried, for three months, to be the person they needed me to be, and it was almost as hard as being married to Christopher. Ifelt like I was trapped in the worst kind of nightmare, and there was no waking up from it. Only escape—running away.

“So, what, that’s it? He’s dead and you’re just…not part of our family anymore?”

My stomach clenches and I stand up, as if that can stave off the wave of nausea that’s hitting me. “Come on, Elsie. Just give me some time.”

She sniffs, and I think maybe I’ve gotten through to her.

But then, she says the one thing that both bruises me the most but also reinforces why I’m right to stay: “Chris would be so hurt, Beth. This is not how he’d want you to behave.”

“That’s true,” I admit. “He’d want me to be there with you guys, but the thing is, for the first time in years, I’m doing what’s right for me. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but you’re just going to have to live with it.”

I disconnect the call before I can hear her reply. I’m shaking all over, like a butterfly on the edge of a storm. I sink back in the chair and drop my head into my palms, waiting for my breathing to return to normal, for sharp flashes of memories, of Christopher and how he handled his disappointment with me, to fade away again. Because out here, I’m safe from all that.

I’m almost back to normal when there’s a knock at the door. I suck in a deep breath and pinch my cheeks to bring some color back to them before calling, “Come in.”

The door opens and Mack sticks her head around. “Thought you might want some pie.” She holds up a bowl and spoon. I can just make out a big scoop of vanilla ice cream.

I’m about to demur when the smell of buttery pastry and sweetened apples reaches me and I think of the simple dinner I ate, hours ago.

“Okay, thanks,” I say, finding it hard to meet her eyes.

She hands over the bowl then looks at my screen. “Is this what you’ve been doing?”

I look at the computer, where there’s a still shot of Beau, smiling out at us.

“Yeah. Just editing together a few videos. I thought if I could get at least the first week’s worth of content ready to go, we can just schedule the posts, and go from there.”

“Nice,” she says. “Wanna show me what you got?”

“Sure.” I hit play, then stand up. “You sit down. There’s a heap of footage to go through.”

She takes my seat, and I stand beside her, eating the most delicious pie I’ve ever had—a pie that frankly makes a mockery of all other pies—and wait for Mack to say something about the footage. She watches them all, clicking through the folder one by one, laughing when Beau pulls a stupid face at the camera. Good, that’s exactly the reaction I was hoping to get.

“These are really good, Beth,” she says, finally, and because I know she’s someone who doesn’t lavish praise by habit, I feel her compliment land extra deep. “I really like the way you’ve shown the ranch as it is. Vast, dry, tough, but also beautiful and lush. It’s such a contradiction.”

“Yeah, it is that,” I say, thinking of the land directly around the house, so green it’s like an oasis. Down by the creek is verdant, too, but as you get further out from the house, the more distantfields are arid and dusty, all the way to the forest. The landscape is unyielding and elemental in a way I couldn’t really have understood until setting foot on it.

“I’ve got some ideas, too,” she says, a little shy.

“Oh, yeah?”

“The early morning rides we do, I always think it’s the most beautiful time of day out here. We start with coffee, down by the stables, saddle up, set out. The stars are still out, the sky’s all dark, but then it gradually lifts, the color spreading, and the air is so fresh and clear. I can take some footage, if you want. So, you don’t have to head out so early.”

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