Page 1 of Our Secrets and Lies

Part One

1999

1

‘Do you think I am?’ Lucy asked, wiping away tears with the back of her hand.

Sarah handed her a tissue. ‘No,’ she said, trying to sound more sure than she felt. Two weeks late was not good. Sarah had been a few days late, but never two whole weeks. ‘I’ve been late before, nearly that long. It’s probably stress,’ she lied.

‘We always used condoms, except that one time in Kerry when, well… we were really drunk and … Oh, God, Sarah, what am I going to do?’ Lucy wailed.

Sarah chewed her lip. ‘Look, if you want to find out for sure, you could do a pregnancy test,’ she said. ‘I bought two in the chemist on my way here, just in case.’

‘Oh, no. I can’t do that yet,’ Lucy said. She was afraid, afraid that the test might show she was pregnant, and then what? What would Tom say? Wouldhe dump her? Would he hate her? Would he support her? Would they go to London or Liverpool? Where was the best place to have an abortion? It had to be a false alarm – it just had to be.

Sarah took a deep breath and said, ‘I think not knowing is worse. Maybe you should just do the test, and when it’s negative, you can relax.’

Lucy could barely get the words out of her mouth. ‘What if it’s positive?’

Tears sprang into Sarah’s eyes. ‘Well … uhm … we’ll just deal with it. Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?’

‘I’m scared.’ Lucy covered her face with her hands.

Sarah leaned over and gave her friend a tight hug. ‘Whatever happens, I’m here for you. I have a hundred and fifty quid saved. It’s yours if you need it, although I’m sure you won’t. Whatever … You know what I mean.’

Lucy pulledaway from her friend. ‘Thanks,’ she said. She really meant it. Sarah was her rock. She didn’t know how she’d cope without her, but she had to dig deep here and get to grips with what was happening. ‘Okay,’ she said, nodding. ‘I’ll do it.’

Sarah reached into her bag and handed Lucy the two tests. ‘It’s important that you do two. The first could be wrong.’

Lucy locked herself into the bathroom.Thankfully her parents were busy in the shop and her sister Jenny was at a friend’s house. She sat down and stared at the tests. If they were positive, her life would be ruined. Even if Tom didn’t dump her and went with her to England for an abortion, their relationship would be destroyed. Every time they looked at each other, they’d remember what they’d done. Lucy didn’t think their relationshipwould survive it.

But, then, maybe it would – they were mad about each other, weren’t they? Well, she loved him and in Kerry he had almost said he loved her. He hadn’t actually spoken those words but he’d said, ‘I’m mad about you,’ and as far as Lucy was concerned, that was good enough.

Please, God, make it be negative, Lucy prayed, as she peed on the sticks and waited for the results.

Sarahknocked gently on the door. ‘Are you finished? Can I come in? I don’t think you should be alone.’

Lucy opened the door. Sarah looked at the two sticks. They sat in silence. The seconds felt like hours.

‘I can’t look – you’ll have to tell me.’ Lucy covered her eyes with her hands, then took them away.

Sarah peered at the sticks. Her face fell. Oh, Jesus. Theymust be positive. For a split secondLucy thought Sarah was going to throw them into the bin, but this wasn’t something they could sweep under the carpet and forget about. The news was going to change Lucy’s life for ever.

‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’ Lucy said, into the heavy silence. Sarah was crying now. Oh, God. Her stomach lurched. She turned and threw up into the basin.

Sarah handed her a towel. They sat on the edge of the bathand cried.

‘Hold on,’ Sarah said suddenly. ‘You might have a miscarriage. Loads of people do. Look at your mum. She had a few, didn’t she, between you and Jenny?’

Lucy nodded, but they were clutching at straws. She sobbed into the towel while Sarah rubbed her back.

‘Are you going to tell Tom or wait a bit?’

Lucy had no answer to that. She knew that as soon as she told Tom, everything wouldchange for the worse. Her little bubble of happiness would explode. ‘My family can never know. It would literally kill my dad. He’d be so disappointed in me.’ She sobbed.

‘Come on now, Billy adores you. Sure, he has you on a pedestal.’

‘Exactly, and I’d fall very far down if he found out I was up the bloody duff.’

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