Page 1 of When We Collide

Where do I begin?

How do I find the words to express the way I’m feeling when I’m at the point where words fail me.

Do I start with the weight on my chest and the constant ache in my heart simultaneously suffocating me? The pain and hurt I’ve endured over the last few years run so deep I can barely breathe. What I thought was misery before, doesn’t even compare to the agony I’ve been suffering since losing Dean.

Every hour, every minute, every godforsaken second, the pain intensifies. We buried him only yesterday, but my mind refusesto accept that he’s truly gone. It all feels like a twisted nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

I keep hoping that if I just open my eyes and will myself awake, Dean will be by my side, alive and well. He'll wrap his strong arms around me, and we'll laugh at the absurdity of my dream. But every time I try to escape this hellish reality, I am brought back to the harsh truth—he’s gone, and I am left here, stuck in a state of neither fully awake nor fully asleep.

I exist in a limbo, with no sense of belonging or purpose while half of my soul is missing, and I feel so utterly incomplete without him.

But do you know what I hate the most? I hate that the world around me continues to spin and carry on, when for me, time has frozen in this moment of devastating loss.

Days later while I’m lying on the sofa with Lex, staring at the photo of Dean and me hanging on the wall above the fireplace, there’s a knock on my front door.

I ignore it.

I don’t want to see anyone.

The soft chime of the doorbell echoes through the house, breaking the peaceful silence. Oz, hearing the doorbell, makes his way downstairs, a bewildered expression on his face. His eyes flicker towards me in question. “Are we expecting someone?” I give a small shake of my head and turn back to my furry companion, Lex, nuzzling my face into his soft fur as I let out a content sigh. The front door opens and a deep voice fills the air.

“…and we've been instructed by the R.A.F to return this to the late Lieutenant Reyes' wife.” My heart skips a beat at the mention of Dean's name, and I gently set Lex on the sofa before hurrying towards the front door. Oz looks back at me when I walk over, his gaze filled with a deep sadness that mirrors my own, making my heart ache even more.

“What’s going on?” I ask Oz and he hesitates for a moment and holds up a car key.Oh God.

Dean’s car key.

I lift my hand and press it to my lips while I fight to keep my emotions in check as I stare at the key in Oz’s hand. The air force did mention they would arrange for his car to be returned to me. “Mrs. Reyes, if you can just sign the release form to verify that you have received the car.”

My heart feels so heavy in my chest, it feels like it will snap at any moment and sink into that deep dark void Dean’s loss has left inside me. My fingers tremble as I take the pen from the middle-aged man and sign the release form. “My condolences for your loss, Ma’am,” he offers as I hand the forms back to him with trembling fingers.

I can’t bring myself to utter a word back, instead I stare at the key in Oz’s hand.

“Jey—” Before my name leaves Oz’s lips I’m taking the key from him and walking out of the door. I hear him calling after me, but it falls on deaf ears, my emotions drowning him out as I walk over to Dean’s black Lexus now parked outside the house.

With each step I take towards his car, my heart beats faster and a bubble of hope expands in my chest. I can almost feel his presence, imagining the familiar creak of the driver side door asit opens and Dean stepping out and flashing me his wicked grin that always made me weak and infuriated me all at once. But the car remains still,empty,and that little bubble of hope falls like a deflated balloon. The reality of losing him hits me once again, flooding my vision with tears. My throat tightens as I draw closer to the car, placing a trembling hand on its hood and close my eyes, fighting the sob I can feel mounting inside me.

My finger presses the unlock button on the remote control and the car doors unlock. “Jeyla,” As I reach for the handle, I hear Oz call my name and look back to find him standing behind me.

One of the things I adore most about Oscar is his innate ability to discern my needs with just a single glance. Whether it be comfort, space, or support, he always seems to know exactly what I need. And in this moment, while I stand before him teary eyed and lost in my grief, he understands that what I need most is to be left alone. His gentle gaze and subtle nod convey his understanding, and I am grateful for his unwavering intuition and consideration as he steps away to give me some space.

Since the funeral everyone around me keep telling me that I need to express my emotions and not bottle them up. They say it's necessary for healing. But I can't move on. I can’t seem to move past this crippling pain, I don't even know where to start with letting him go when my heart is bleeding. Ever since Dean's passing, I've been really struggling to find purpose in my life. The void he has left behind is consuming me, and I'm just existing in its shadows. Some days I feel like a hollow vessel, adrift with the current of life, while other days I'm overwhelmed by emotions and memories that refuse to let me move on.

Everyone else is moving forward with their lives, but I’m still stuck, trapped in the same torturous cycle; reliving the same nightmare over and over again, every single day and night. Itangers me that the world can carry on as if he never existed, while I feel like my entire universe has been ripped to pieces.

Exhaling, I pull the door handle and the door swings open, and the sound makes me wince visibly. As I slide into the car, the ache in my chest intensifies. The scent of Dean still lingers in the small space. Remnants of his warm, spicy aftershave cling to the seats, bringing back bittersweet memories of moments we shared together in this car.

Biting my lip hard, I close my eyes.

“JJ, stop acting like a child and get in the car so we can go home already.”

“I told you I can find my own way home!”

“Last chance. Get in the car.”

“Never.”

“JJ, I’m losing my patience.”

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