Page 32 of Ted's Temerity
I can’t really explain why I’m so anxious about this, other than the fact that it’s the first time a group of people I know will see me dressed this way. Ash and Chance have seen me in a cropped t-shirt and play shorts, but this is different. This is me laid bare. And that’s what it ultimately boils down to: I really want them to like me for me.
As we cross the foyer and head towards the lounge room, finally coming into view of the others, I watch them closely for their first reactions before they have a chance to school their features.
It’s only as Ash’s face lights up that the tension starts to bleed from my shoulders. Matt smiles, too, but there’s something softer and more understanding in his gaze. Then there’s Kate, who squeals and rushes towards me, her arms extended in a bid to reach out and feel the material of my dress before she’s even crossed the space.
“Finally,” she gushes, sounding giddy. “Someone like me.”
I don’t know what it is about her words that do it, but I tear up at that very simple declaration. She doesn’t see my gender: she just sees another little who likes to wear pretty dresses.
Before I know it, Kate and I are hugging as though we’ve been friends for years instead of minutes, and then there’s a dog pile of people on top of us with the other Littles wanting in on the embrace. It’s not until minutes later, when we’re all giggling and moving off to play, that I realize Ted wandered off to join Charlie over by the couch. Cherie and London, Kate’s Mommy and Matt’s Daddy respectively, are back out on the deck with Spencer and Chance.
If I were in a bigger head space, I’d probably pay closer attention to the low-spoken conversation my Daddy is having with his best friend, but I’m too distracted by Kate’s request to play dolls with me.
Even though I’ve played with dolls before (by myself, in scenes at various clubs, and more recently with Ted as my very attentive Daddy) I discover that having a little friend to play with is a whole new experience. She’s every bit as enthusiastic as I am, losing herself in the imaginative play.
While Daddy joins in in a similar way, he’s never quite as invested as Kate seems to be. He doesn’t share the childlike glee that she and I feel, I suppose. And why should he? He’s aDaddy, not a fellow little. His enjoyment comes from interacting with me and seeing me happy. Whereas, for Kate and I, our enjoyment as Littles comes from letting go of being adults. Of letting someone else take care of us while we give in to the urge to be completely carefree.
When we get bored of playing dolls, Kate and I move on to orchestrating a pretend tea party for them. We just dressed them up, after all. It makes sense that they should have a reason to wear their ‘fancy’ new outfits. Ash ambles over for this game, though, and I vaguely recall Ted telling me that Ash loves to play teddy bear tea parties.
Matt and Josh stick to racing their cars along the polished timber floorboards separating the lounge from the kitchen.
Our caregivers leave us to our own devices, though occasionally one of the caregivers will stop in to ask questions or join our play for a few minutes. I don’t even realize how much time has passed when Charlie wanders back into the room having swapped out ‘watching’ us with Spencer to go fiddle with the grill on the deck, and he claps his hands, declaring dinner ready.
“You can stay little if you want,” he says easily, as though this sort of thing happens every day, “but we should eat it before it gets cold.” He chuckles and wraps an arm around Asher’s waist, catching him as he tries to slip past. “But, big or little, you need to wash up first, too.”
Ash grumbles, but the smile playing around the corners of his lips gives his enjoyment of this interaction with his Daddy away. Watching them like this fills me with warm, fuzzy feelings, and I fleetingly wonder if Ted and I ever look at each other the way Charlie and Ash do.
As I make my way to get changed back into my big clothes, a hopeful voice in my head says that if we don’t already, I think we’re on the right track.
Chapter Thirteen – Ted
Iowe Zephyr an apology and gratitude for forcing me to face my issues with Charlie. The first few minutes of conversation felt a touch strained but, after sitting together and watching the littles romp around Charlie’s lounge room, we’re back to our usual dynamic now, or a close approximation to it. And, as I take a seat at one of the two outdoor tables which have been pushed together to create one long one, I realize just how badly I’ve missed this.
I’m a social creature by nature. Not having hung out with the guys in over a month was more emotionally and mentally draining than I could have anticipated. Not only that, but I can see that Zephyr needed the social time just as badly as I did. While he was quite obviously anxious at first, I couldn’t deny the blatant joy and relaxation he seemed to get from playing with the others as I watched indulgently.
Guilt wells in me, churning my gut when I consider that my avoidance of my friends also prevented Zephyr from having this sort of experience.
“Whatever you’re thinking, man, stop it,” Spencer says lowly as he leans across me to grab for a big bowl of green salad. “You’ve got your ‘self-flagellation’ face on.” He dishes himself up a healthy serving of rabbit food before handing the bowl down the line to Chance.
On my other side, Zephyr’s in quiet conversation with London, their heads bowed together as they murmur softly. With him distracted, I turn back to Spencer, repeating, “My self-flagellation face?”
He nods, his mess of dark hair flopping into his eyes. “It’s not a good look on you.”
I want to argue, but I can’t deny that he’s right. Of course, I can’t help snarking, “Interesting way of phrasing it. What kind of books are you narrating right now?”
He reaches for some of the chicken Charlie had cooked on the grill and smirks at me as he returns the tongs to the plate. “No changing the subject, Theodore.”
I roll my eyes. “You can’t use Daddy voice on another Daddy, Spencer. We’ve been over this.”
He continues on, undeterred, “Either way, whatever’s making you second guess yourself? You gotta stop that.” He jerks his chin towards Zephyr. “Your boy is sweet, and you’ve got a good thing going. Don’t get so far into your head that you let it slip away.”
I don’t like how accurately he was able to read me in the short time we’ve been seated together at the table. But I also know that he hasn’t dated since his relationship with Emma ended all those months ago, and now I’m coming to see that maybe he’s not so much reading me as possibly projecting his own issues onto me.
My initial reaction to bristle and snap at him softens into something a little more understanding. I even manage to sound mildly appreciative when I assure him, “Thanks, Spence. I won’t let that happen.”
Placing his knife down on his plate, he reaches up to squeeze my shoulder and gives me a little shake before he lets go. “I’m glad.”
Even though I was irritated at first, it’s just another example of how good the guys in our circle of friends really are. They look out for each other, even on this smaller level. I feel like a shitty friend for not having returned the favor lately.
