Page 12 of Chance's Choice
He rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning. “Stop being so easy to read.”
God, I’ve missed this. Missed him. Missed our friendship and our stupid-ass banter and just feelingseen.
“Come on,” I shake myself from that train of thought, knowing it’ll only send me back into a remorseful spiral again, “I’ll give you the tour.”
It’s not a huge apartment, but it’s more than enough for just me. I don’t entertain people here, so the second bedroom is unnecessary, aside from being the place I store my few items of Little paraphernalia.
The bedrooms are just like the rest of the apartment. Modern and sparsely decorated. In the spare room, there’s a single teddy bear sitting on the bed, propped up against the fluffy white pillows. In the closet, I have a few Little outfits neatly folded away in the drawers. I’ve never worn diapers (it loses its appeal when I know I’ll be on my own) so I really only have a few pairs of training pants to accompany my outfits. I have a selection of pacifiers in a veritable rainbow of colors, though. Sucking on one of those is calming.
Chance steps towards the bed and picks the bear up, turning to face me with an almost sad set to his expression. “Have you ever tried…” he starts, then stops himself and shakes his head. The bear is set back down in front of the pillows gently. “Never mind. That’s none of my business.”
“No,” I lean against the doorframe, doing my best to keep my body relaxed. I leave my hands at my sides, despite the urge to fold my arms across my chest. “Have I ever tried what?”
“It’s just…I know you, Kade. Well, I knew you. And you never did anything by halves, especially when you enjoyed it. So it surprises me that you haven’t brought age play into your home or made it a bigger part of your life.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not as fun when you’re alone, is it?”
As soon as they’ve left my lips, I want to take those bitter words back.
Chance’s frown deepens. “You’re not perpetually single, though?” He cringes. “Shit. That’s insensitive and also none of my fucking business.” The realization is followed up by a muttered, “Where’s Spence when you need him?”
I shuffle my stance and let my head fall back against the doorframe. “You’re right: it’s not really any of your business, but…”
Am I really doing this? Am I really about to tell him just how lonely my life has been? He was my best friend, and there’s a part of me straining to reclaim that relationship, if nothing else. To lose myself in the familiarity of his comforting presence. It’s been my own doing, this self-imposed isolation, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. I want to talk to someone about it.
I want to talk to Chance about it.
Steeling myself with a deep breath, I confess, “I’ve never had a relationship last more than a couple of nights, and that’s being generous on relabeling an extended hookup. I told myself I didn’t deserve anything more and-”
“Jesus, Kade,” Chance closes the space between us and pulls me in for an unexpected hug, holding me tight against his warmth. “You’re an idiot.”
I snort. “That’s comforting.”
“Shut up.” His voice vibrates through his chest. He squeezes me a bit more tightly, as though I might push away at any second.
That’s not likely. I haven’t been held like this in…well, longer than I care to think about, not counting the aftercare I’ve received from Emmett.
I’ve missed Chance’s hugs the most.
“This might sound kinda’ self-involved,” he says after another beat or two have passed, “but have you honestly spent the last twenty fucking years punishing yourself for a melodramatic moment between us when we were kids?”
“I…” Clearing my throat, I tuck my face into the crook of his neck. “It was mostly that, yeah.”
Chance’s frustrated groan is his only response, but he doesn’t let me go.
Hating the silence, I try to explain, “I mean, I’m probably also fucked up from my issues with Mom, too, so it’s notjustwhat happened between us, but…you meant everything to me, you know? And I hurt you and destroyed our friendship and I figured if I could do that to you, I could do it to anyone and I didn’t trust myself anymore. Plus, I didn’t deserve to find love or whatever.”
Chance is silent again, whether because I’ve shocked him speechless or because he’s mulling over my admission, I don’t know. Not for the first time, I wish I could read his mind.
He startles me when his lips find my temple, bestowing me with a gentle kiss before he sighs. “What am I going to do with you?”
I can’t help that the only suggestions on the tip of my tongue are inappropriate.
Chapter Seven – Chance
This is so far out of my realm of experience, it’s not even funny. It hurts me that Kade’s been denying himself happiness out of some deeply ingrained sense of guilt. And for what? A heated moment when we were teenagers? Fuck it all, I’d thought myself heartbroken and I still managed to move on and date people. But he just…what, exactly? Lived half a life? If I hadn’t already moved past my anger years ago, this would be the moment that I truly forgave him. He’s been punishing himself enough.
“I’m going to be honest here,” I tell him when hugging in the doorway of his guest room starts to feel a bit weird, “I’m not good with words. With emotions. I don’t know what to say or do.” Which is stupid because I’m a Daddy. I’m supposed to know how to comfort someone. But Kade’sdifferent. I know him so well and I simultaneously feel like I don’t know him at all. “But Idoknow that you need to stop living in the past. You need to let people in. You need-mmmph.”
