Page 13 of Rowan's Renewal
After a lifetime of feeling flawed and broken, of hiding this part of me I literally can’t control, hearing such an openly positive perspective on it has my stomach flipping and fluttering with anticipation and hope.
That feels more dangerous than his kindness.
I can’t afford to get attached to the idea of someone liking this part of me. Not just tolerating it butlikingit. If Alex was able to destroy my confidence, imagine what letting go of someone who professes to like my issues might do to me.
But I can’t help remembering how amazing it felt to be taken care of in that restaurant bathroom. When he took control of the situation. When he made everything better.
Imagine having that all the time.
My throat tightens and the tears slide down my cheeks, mingling with the shower’s spray.
I shouldn’t let myself want it. It’s easier being alone. It’s easier to not risk another loss and more pain.
But Bianca was right. Iamlonely.
Aaron’s offering an end to that loneliness.
He’s a gorgeous man. Intelligent, kind, generous…he’s well and truly out of my league.
Except there’s a voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like my best friend telling me that I should look at the way things have come together. The entire comedy of errors which saw me sharing a suite with this stranger. Learning that we live in the same city back home. Then, to top that off, learning that my biggest flaws —the things that make me undatable to most men— play right into his kinks.
If I did believe in signs from the universe, these would all be neon, flashing ones.
I’m going to regret it forever if I don’t give it a chance, aren’t I?
***
“You can do this,” I tell myself as I hover outside Aaron’s bedroom door. I’m wearing nothing but a towel, and I’m feeling equal parts excited and nervous. At worst case, if this turns out to be a mistake, I can just book myself a hotel room somewhere else and get an Uber there, and call this entire vacation a mistake, like I originally thought it would be. I take a deep breath and stare at the painted white door. “Just…knock.”
My hand trembles as I raise it, but before I can lose my nerve, I rap my knuckles quickly and softly.
My heart races in the seconds that follow, and I’m already considering fleeing to my bedroom when the door swings open. Aaron’s gaze travels over my towel-clad form before resting on my face.
“What’s up?” he asks lightly, and I struggle to find the words to express exactly what I want.
“I was…I mean, are you…Canyou…” It’s all a jumble in my head, embarrassment creeping up my spine and crawling over my cheeks. I swallow, forcing myself to breathe and to use my words. “I thought about it,” I tell him, gripping the towel around my waist with clammy hands, “and…I want to try it. If you still want to, I mean. All of it. I liked being looked after and, yeah, it might be weird to have another grown man put me in a diaper, but…I’m so tired, Aaron. I’m tired, and lonely, and what you said sounded really nice.”
“Oh, sweetheart, come here,” he pulls me in for a hug, my warm, damp skin pressed up against his thin cotton t-shirt.
The steady thumping of his heart against mine is more soothing than I could ever have imagined it would be. He rubs his hand over my back, making soft shushing sounds, and I just melt into him.
“Are you sure you want to start tonight?” he asks, his voice a pleasant murmur against my ear.
I nod. “Please. I…It’s been so long since anyone touched me…since…since someone wasn’t revolted by me and…” I pause to swallow against the lump in my throat, blinking back more traitorous tears. “I Googled a bit when I got out of the shower, and it sounds doable. Good, even. Being cherished by someone. Being someone’s priority. I haven’t had that in a long time. And…if it’s only going to be for this week…”
“Let’s sit and talk about that, okay?” he suggests, but it sounds more like he has already decided for me, and the rush of relief I feel from that small act alone tells me that I’m making the right decision here.
“I just need to get dressed first. Or at least into my, uh…” Heat flares in my cheeks. I’m not used to talking about my ‘special’ underwear with anyone, let alone people who have known me for less than a day.
“Do you wear different protection at night?” he asks calmly, while the embarrassment simmers inside me. “It would make sense if you do. If you have an overactive bladder and manage to sleep deeply, wearing extra absorbent incontinence padding is the smarter choice.”
He says it with understanding and even a touch of warmth, which eases some of the tightness in my chest. I nod. “I actually wear a proper diaper at night,” the admission would usually make me cringe, but it’s already easier with him. Maybe because I know that he plays with them for fun? Or because he’s a doctor and this is something he comes across professionally? I don’t know, but it’s nice not to feel quite so anxious about it. “The incontinence underwear wasn’t enough. When this all happened, my doctor at the time recommended stuffers as well for extra absorbency and it’s…awkward, but it works.”
“I’m glad that you’ve found something to make things easier, though. Changing sheets constantly isn’t fun. Especially on your own, I’m sure.”
Better than having your bedmate tell you how disgusting and useless you are.
I swallow back the words and nod again.
