Page 1 of Hodge
Chapter 1
Hodge
It’s that time of year when you just want to be left the fuck alone. When you’re supposed to be the happiest. Christmas. Fucking Christmas. Who the hell is happy when you’re alone? Who the hell is happy when the one you loved is gone? No one. I shake my head, trying to rid the thoughts of the past that do me no good now.
“You okay?” Kiki asks me.
“Fine.”
“Don’t lie to me, Hodge. I’m your sister.”
“You know what it is, Kiki. This time of year just sucks for me.”
“We’re all here for you. You know that,” she reminds me. I do know that. This is my family, always has been, and that will never change.
I reach for her and pull her into my arms, hugging my little sister before resting my chin on the top of her head.
“Have I told you I’m proud of you?”
“All the time and don’t fucking get all mushy with me, Hodge.” Now I let out a laugh.
“I’m not getting’ mushy with you, I’m just remindin’ you that you’re strong, Kiki. The strongest person I know.”
“I highly doubt that, but I’ll take the compliment.” She squeezes me tighter, and I hold her against me, savoring the moment. When she pulls away, I watch her run straight into Locke’s arms.I’m glad she has him. I worried about her back in the day, but she found him and couldn’t be happier. Locke is good to her. They’ve had their ups and downs just like anyone else, but they’re good now, and that’s all that matters.
I grab a beer as I watch the girls decorate the clubhouse. Even though I hate the time of year, I wouldn’t change it for them. They love it, and the fact that they’re happy makes it easier to handle. That’s all I want for everyone in the club. To be happy.
I walk over and sit in the corner, watching everyone as they laugh and have a good time. Dad walks over and sits down next to me.
“Some days I wonder about how overboard they’re going.”
“Just having a good time is all. Let them be happy. Hell, look at Kiki,” I say, pointing my bottle at her and smiling. I don’t know that I’ve seen her smile this much in a long time.
“I hate it for you, Hodge. I know what this time of year does to you,” he tells me as I nod my head.
“It’s gettin’ better, yeah? Some days are worse, but I’m makin’ it,” I remind him. He nods his head and takes a long pull of his beer before looking over at me. I see the look in his eyes, and I know it’s about to get serious.
“Life sometimes gives us more than we can handle, Hodge. That doesn’t mean we try to take it all on ourselves. Unload some of that burden on us,” he tells me.
“I mean it, Dad. I’m doin’ better. I’m feelin’ better.”
“Good. That’s really good. I’m glad to hear it.” He takes another pull from his beer. We sit back together and watch everyone do their thing in silence, just the way I wanted it.
Dad heads off to do what he needs to do, and I hang back just thinking about life. Nothing that happened that night was my fault. At least that’s what they tell me. Not that I listen. I think everything that happened that night was my fault. I walked off. I left her to fend for herself. I do blame myself, and it’s not something I’ve ever gotten over.
“You look pissed at the world,” Locke states as he looks me up and down before passing me a beer.
“More at myself.”
“About what?”
“Not shit I wanna talk about,” I reply as I take the beer and bring it to my lips.
“I get that. Just don’t go lettin’ this shit take you down, Hodge. It ain’t worth it. Never is,” he tells me. I nod my head, knowing Locke has had his own demons he’s had to fight, and he came out a winner. I’m damn proud of him for that, too. But we aren’t the same. We aren’t fighting the same demons.
“I’m doin’ my best, brother.”
“That’s all you can do.” With that, he turns and walks away while I sit, nursing my broken fucking heart and the beer he gave me.
