Page 83 of Worth the Want
Itriedto reach out to Emily’s parents after the funeral. I offered them a spot in Hazel’s life. When they didn’t immediately accept, I wrote them off because fuck anyone who didn’t jump at the chance to be in my daughter’s life. And now, they what? Want to see her? Want to spend time with her? I’m not sure how to process all this. I need to talk to someone. I want to talk to Indie, but now I’m pissed at her too. I dial my dad, and it goes to voicemail. I try my mom, and the same thing happens.Fuck, my head feels all scrambled.
On the drive home it starts to rain, like even nature can sense my mood. Maybe I should take the night to cool off before confronting Indiana. I need to talk to my parents about Emily’s family reaching out to me, and I need to take a minute. Only to my surprise, Indie is on my porch wearing a bright-yellow sundress and a matching bandanna in her hair when I pull up. Looking like pure sunshine in the middle of the rainstorm that’s picked up.
Jogging over, I note she’s filled the flowerpots on the porch with plants. Another thing she didn’t ask me if she could do. I’ve had enough of things being sprung on me today. She can’t come in and take over; I don’t need her to do that. I can take care of everything myself.
“Well, hello, handsome. How was work?” she asks, her tone in contrast with my mood. For a second, I want to pull her into me, kiss her sweet lips, and get lost in her, but I can’t keep acting like all these little things aren’t completely throwing me off.
“Indie. I see you went ahead and planted the flowers.” She tilts her head to the side.
“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you with them.”
“Mmm, well, my day has definitely been full of surprises. I’m actually a little tired of all these surprises, Indiana.”
“Indiana? The use of my full name doesn’t sound too good for me. Am I in trouble, Mr. Holloway?”
She’s being funny when this situation doesn’t feel that way to me. “Not really. Especially since I had to learn that you signed Hazel up for dance class today. What makes you think that you can do that? Because we’ve been spending time together?” I’m downplaying what this is between us, and I know it. Hurt flashes in her eyes as I walk up the steps, causing my stomach to twist, but the pressure is too built up, and the release feels too good to pull back from. I fight for control but lose.
I erupt, possessed momentarily by my fear and insecurities. The storm inside me brews like the one overhead, and the haunting suspicion that I will destroy the one thing that’s been bringing me more happiness than I ever expected is pushed to the side when deep down, all I want to do is cling to her.
There are things in my life that I’m not proud of, some I’m downright ashamed of. If I think about them too long, I start to get this creeping feeling. It's overwhelming and inescapable, like a blanket that weighs more than I can bear, crushing me slowly, inch by merciless inch.
It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but right now I can feel the overwhelm starting to set in.I will not pass out on Knox’s porch with all of his family waiting to yell surprise just inside. Don’t you fucking dare, Indiana.I swallow the hot lump in my throat that’s working its way behind my eyes. I’ve been in pain plenty of times to recognize its sharp razor’s sting, slicing at the edges of my resolve.
Knox looks so angry. Withme.I’ve never seen him so angry before. Frustrated, yes. Annoyed, frequently. But this? This is anger—and it’s all directed at me.Surely this is just a mistake.My fingers are starting to tingle, and my ears are burning. I need to retreat; I don’t have it in me to explain right now. His frustration is coming off him in waves, and it's doing its best to settle into me too.
“That’s not fair, Knox. I-I d-didn’t?—”
The wind picks up, as if in anticipation of the storm Knox has brewing beneath his calm exterior. I’m helpless to stop this. My body paralyzed by the look of contempt I’m on the receiving end of. When the silence between us breaks, it’s worse than I imagined.
“You didn’t think about how this would affect anyone but you, Indie. You’re always doing things that no one’s asked you to do or taking things that don’t belong to you. You’ve been doing it since day one, so I don’t know why I’m surprised. You meddle and you push, and you don’t fucking listen. I told you I would see about the dance class fitting into the schedule, but that wasn’t an invitation for you to take it upon yourself.” He stops, and I think the worst is over; I can apologize, I’ll explain that it wasn’t me. I can tell him that I'll work on it. I’m always working on it, and it’s exhausting, but for him, I will. I’ll do better. But he’s not done.
“You know, it’s no wonder your sister never calls you back. You’re constantly inserting yourself in places you shouldn’t be.” I feel like I’ve been slapped. The pain has crossed from mental to physical. I’m squeezing my hands so tightly into fists that my nails are cutting into the skin of my palm.
I would like to argue with him. Explain that I didn’t do this thing he’s so upset over. Only it’s not just this one thing, is it? I can’t tell him that I’m a different person. I’ve tried to be someone else, and it’s not possible for me.
His face has gone blurry, the unshed tears gathering and distorting his shape. My body is filled with dread and exhaustion and sadness that can only be described as devastation. I open my mouth, praying that the words will come to me so I can say anything that would make him look at me like he hadlast night, but nothing comes out. I’m frozen again, like I had beenthatnight.
He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m not sure this is going to work. Our age difference is feeling less like a small roadblock and more like a problem.” Another blow. This time to my ego. I’ve never thought him mean before, and maybe it’s not that he’s being mean, it's just that he’s being honest, and the truth is painful. I nod. In agreement? I don’t agree. In understanding? I don’t understand. Maybe I nod to end this before it becomes too much, and I find myself waking up on the porch.
Darkness is setting in, and it’s not just the clouds gathering overhead. There’s rushing in my ears, drowning out my embarrassment.
Oh god. His family is just mere feet away, getting a front row seat to this.Hazel.Her name slices through me. It will kill me to lose my connection to her.
“I’m s-sorry,” I rasp out and then walk past him as steadily as I can, down the stairs, into the rain.
Idon’t look at Indiana as she runs from my porch. I already know that I went too far, and I also know that it’s not all her fault that I’m feeling so off-kilter.Fuck.I may not be very well-versed in having a relationship with someone, but I know damn well that speaking to her like that was so far out of line that I can’t even see it anymore. Running a hand through my damp hair, I’m already contemplating going after her, to beg her to listen to my apology, when my front door bursts open, my mother, standing in the doorway.
“Mom? What are you doing here? Is Hazel okay?”
“Hazel is fine,” she says in a subdued tone. I’m confused, and honestly, I don’t think I can try to figure out one more thing today. I need for things to stop popping up. I need Hazel. I need Indiana.Fuck.
“Okay, then why are you here? Did you need to bring Hazel home early?” She doesn’t answer my questions. Instead, she opens the front door all the way, standing to the side, giving me a view of my whole family. Each member stares back at mewith expressions ranging from surprise to pissed off. “Why?” is the only word I can say.
“Indie,” my mom says from beside me. I look into the kitchen where Alder holds Hazel on his hip. There’s a banner above them that reads Happy Birthday that looks like the teamwork of Indiana and my daughter. In front of them on the island is a cake, next to the cake is another dessert that I would bet money on being a blackberry cobbler.Fuck.
I swallow against the guilt I’m being filled with. “I see.”
“For someone who doesn’t talk much, you sure said a lot just then,” Ivy calls from beside Alder and Hazel, staring daggers at me.
