Page 74 of Jessica's Hero
“That’s ridiculous,” Nora interjects. “I wish I’d known, Jess. How people were acting towards you. I thought it was just a random thing. I had no idea it happened all the time.”
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to feel bad. Or feel responsible to try and fix things.” Taking adeep breath, I let it out slowly before confessing, “I haven’t had many friends since high school. Since I screwed everything up. And I was afraid of messing up our friendship.”
“Jess.”Nora leans forward to hug me. “You couldn’t.”
“I guess I’m worried about Kane having second thoughts,” I admit. “Realizing that he could do better. Or wanting to be with someone who doesn’t have my baggage.”
“Baggage?”
“Yes. My PTSD. My aversion to relationships. My scars. All the people in town who refuse to let go of a mistake from almost twenty years ago. And… I’m scared I’ll do something wrong. Scare him off. Be too demanding. Or not enough.”
Nora narrows her eyes as her brow creases in thought. “I don’t know, Jess. Obviously, I can’t read Kane’s mind. But the way he acts around you? How he talks about you? And did you know he calls B and A every day to check on the progress on your case? Sometimes twice. He’s not worried in the way you worry about a friend. He’s worried about someone he cares deeply about.”
“He told me he loved me.” It just slips out.
“Jess!” Her eyes go wide. “Then what are you worrying about? Unless… do you not feel the same way?”
“No, I do. I love him. I have for a while. But I keep worrying it’s too soon. That I’m setting myself up for disappointment.”
After another introspective pause, she asks, “Would you rather not take the chance at all? Protect your heart by not letting the relationship go further?”
The thought of letting Kane go feels like a daggerstabbing through my heart. “No. Even though I’m scared, I don’t want to let him go. I’m not sure I could.”
“Then that’s your answer. I won’t lie and say falling in love isn’t scary. But it seems pretty clear cut to me. He loves you. You love him. Yes, you’re nervous. And that’s okay. Just trust in your feelings for each other and try not to over-analyze it. Okay?”
She makes it sound so simple.
But then again, maybe I’m the one making things so complicated. Maybe I’m so accustomed to things not going my way that I’m looking for problems where they don’t exist.
Kane loves me.
He planned the most amazing birthday surprise for me.
He fixed my mom’s lobster, which might be the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done for me.
He’s gone above and beyond to make me feel safe. Comfortable. At home. Even buying new bedroom decor just because he thought I’d like it.
When I look at it that way, maybe my fears aren’t as valid as I’m making them out to be.
“Kane’s never had a serious relationship, either,” I say. “Do you think it’s possible for two people to find the one on the first try? I always hear people talking about how they needed to experience being with other people first. But I can’t imagine dating anyone else. Not after meeting Kane.”
Nora’s expression brightens. “Oh, yes. I absolutely think so. Jack was my first love. I was so busy trying to prove myself in the Army, and later, as a Green Beret, I pushed all thoughts about dating to the side. Until I metJack. And I just knew. Even in the years we were apart, I never considered looking for another relationship. Jack was it. And he always will be.”
The band around my chest finally falls away.
Maybe all the years of keeping things to myself wasn’t such a great idea. Maybe doling out my personal life in bits and pieces to my friends online wasn’t enough. Maybe I should have made more of an effort to open up.
Maybe then, I wouldn’t have felt so alone.
My nose prickles as I hug Nora back. “Thank you. Talking… it really helped.”
“Good.” Her smile widens. “Now. How about if we find something to watch on TV? Something cheesy that will take your mind off worrying about what Kane’s doing and when he’ll be home.”
“Okay.” I hop up from the couch, thankful for something to do. “I can make some popcorn. And I’ve got soda, seltzer, beer…”
“Seltzer’s good,” Nora replies. “Popcorn sounds perfect, too. With extra butter. And I’ll search for the absolute cheesiest reality show to watch. Hanna got me watchingExtreme Naked Castle Escape, which I’m embarrassed to admit I actually like.”
Halfway to the kitchen, I turn to give her a genuine smile. “That sounds weird, but perfect.”
