Page 59 of The Devil You Know
“You weren’t waiting long, were you?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Nah. It’s fine.”
My arms spasm with Leah’s weight. “Well, let’s get to your car before I drop her.”
Ryan is parked right at the station. He doesn’t have a car seat, so I buckle Leah into the back seat as securely as I can. She is completely passed out and only barely registers what’s going on. Hopefully, she won’t be telling Daddy any stories about the man that came to pick Mommy up at the train station. And you know what? If she does, it will serve Ben right.
When I climb into the car next to him, Ryan is staring at Leah with a bemused expression on his face. “Christ, she looks just like you.”
“Yeah,” I say, trying to mask that hint of pride. Leah really does look like me. Sometimes I stare at her, trying to see something of Ben, but there’s nothing. She may have half his genes, but on the surface, she’s all me.
He pulls out of the parking lot, and even though I don’t remind him, I can tell he’s driving very carefully. He never goes even a mile above the speed limit, which must be difficult for him in this ridiculous Porsche. As I watch him with his hands at the ten and two on the steering wheel, I feel this dizzying sensation of being in a parallel universe—one in which I married Ryan and he’s driving me and our child back to our home.
“Back when we were dating, I always wondered,” he muses, “if we had kids together, what they would have looked like.”
“Is thatreallywhat you were wondering?” I shoot back. “Because you could have fooled me by the way you always put on like three condoms.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being safe.”
I raise my eyebrows at him. “Remember when one of them broke and you made me take a morning after pill? You wrote the script yourself, escorted me to the pharmacy, and watched me take it?”
“Was there something wrong with that?”
“I was already on birth control pills!” I huff.
“So I was cautious.” He shrugs. “It doesn’t mean I never fantasized about the future.”
I lean back in my seat and stare out the window. The truth is, I used to fantasize about the exact same thing. I used to think about what would happen if Ryan changed his mind about getting tested and we could finally really be together. At least, I did until I met Ben—the guy I actually could have a future with.
It isn’t far to our house from the railroad station. Ryan pulls up to the curb in front of the garage where my car is still parked. I glance at the back seat and Leah is sound asleep, drooling on the seatbelt.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say again.
He nods. “Jane,” he says in a low voice.
I look up at him.
“I just…” His eyes study the steering wheel. “I wish…”
“What?” I say.
He doesn’t complete his thought. I don’t know what he wishes. That he got that test back when it could have made a difference? That I had waited around for him?
It doesn’t matter anyway. You can’t change the past.
Unless he wishes I’d leave Ben for him. That, I guess, is something that could change. Not that I would ever do that.
“Good night, Ryan,” I say.
He nods again, and leaves the engine running while I rescue my daughter from the back seat of his car.
Chapter 23
Oh God. My mother is calling.
I see her number flash on the screen as I’m driving to the preschool to pick up Leah and am stalled at a red light. It’s night number two of us being alone together without Ben. It hasn’t been fun.
I really don’t want to talk to my mother now, but I recognize that it’s been over a week since we talked, so my not picking up will trigger immediate suspicion. Better to get the call over with and have the automatic excuse of being able to get off the phone when I arrive at Mila’s. I quickly put on my hands-free device and answer the call.
