Page 76 of The Devil You Know
As I say it, I believe it. I really do. If I didn’t, why would I have referred him?
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When I come out of the examining room to get some lunch, I can hear Dr. Kirschstein in the next room over, apparently seeing a patient of his own. As loud as he is with us, he seems even louder when he’s within the examining rooms. Maybe it’s something about the acoustics of the hallway. In any case, I can hear his voice booming all through the hallway.
“MR. MILTON, I THINK THIS RASH IN YOUR GROIN MIGHT BE CAUSED BY FUNGUS,” Dr. Kirschstein says to his patient, the unfortunate Mr. Milton.
I can’t hear Mr. Milton’s response, but then Dr. Kirschstein continues: “ARE YOU WASHING YOUR TESTICLES AND PENIS OFTEN ENOUGH?”
There’s a silence, during which time Mr. Milton is hopefully answering in the affirmative. Lisa comes out of an examining room and sees me standing there. She raises her eyebrows in the direction of Dr. Kirschstein’s room. “What’s the diagnosis?” she asks me.
“IT MIGHT BE HARD FOR YOU TO WASH THOROUGHLY BECAUSE YOUR PENIS IS SO SMALL,” Dr. Kirschstein adds.
Lisa clasps her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. “God, I love Dr. Kirschstein,” she says.
I roll my eyes. “Do you?”
“Oh, absolutely,” she says. “Even the eyebangs are sort of sexy.”
That gets a laugh out of me. “Would you put him on your list?”
“I might,” she says thoughtfully, “if I were making an over sixty-five list.”
“An over sixty-five list?”
“Right.” She grins at me. “Celebrities over the age of sixty-five that I’m allowed to cheat with if the opportunity were to arise.”
“I see.” I smile back at her. “And who would be on that list?”
She comes up with an answer so quickly that I suspect she’s thought this over in the past. “Sting, obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“Harrison Ford.”
“Okay. Reasonable.”
“Robert DeNiro.”
“Okay. And not totally unrealistic since he lives in TriBeCa.”
“Samuel L. Jackson.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Okay. I guess I can see it.”
“And… Richard Gere.”
I clasp my chest in mock horror. “No, not Richard Gere. He’s awful!”
“No, he’s sexy.”
“He’s such a scumbag.”
“A sexy scumbag.”
“YOU’LL WANT TO APPLY THE CREAM I’M PRESCRIBING THOROUGHLY TO YOUR PENIS,” Dr. Kirschstein booms. “YOU SHOULDN’T NEED MUCH SINCE YOUR PENIS IS SO SMALL.”
Lisa giggles. “Speaking of sexy, what happened with your sexy surgeon?”
