Page 13 of Leviticus
This felt… I did not have the words to describe what this felt like.
I looked up from my position there on the bed, wishing for the first real time that day that my veil was still covering my face. Where I could hide away from this moment; this awkward moment that was so unlike anything I had dreamed of sharing with my husband.
His thrusts came quick but gentle and I tried, instead, to meet his eyes, to find a connection with him. But when my eyes found his, they were fixated firmly on the mattress. I could tell they were not on me. He wasn’t here with me. He was somewhere else entirely, and I was there. Alone in that room. Surrounded by the men of the church I called home. The men who were the fathers of my classmates. While they watched my innocence leave, and praised God for it.
Leviticus finished with a short thrust and a barely contained grunt before pulling abruptly away from me and cleaning himself off. He had the decency to pull my dress down as he moved, barring the men from seeing anymore of my person.
Hands released my ankles and great cheering roared within the walls of the chamber.
“A successful union!”
“God will surely grant you many sons!”
“Praise be to God!”
The voices thundered around me as I felt wetness seep from my body and onto the mattress below.
Praise be to God, indeed.
I suddenly knew exactly how I felt. I felt ashamed. I felt unwanted.
And for the first time in my life, I felt no God in the church I called home.
CHAPTER5
LEVITICUS
Rape. That was what had just happened. My church. My home. My fucking family had made me rape this woman. This poor innocent woman.
I pretended to eat the food sitting before me at the table while the dancing and the feast in our honor played on around us. Ruth somehow looked every part the happy bride. Her eyes shining, speaking quietly with friends and loved ones as they came to our table and blessed our marriage. A smile perfectly affixed on her lips.
She was a beautiful girl.
A beautiful girl that I had just defiled alone with the Elders of our church.
My stomach roiled with hatred and self loathing at what I had done. I glanced up at the clock on the wall, noting that we could not realistically leave for another twenty minutes. Not without it looking odd. It was customary for the bride and groom to make an appearance at the feast and accept the blessings bestowed on them. Twenty more minutes.
We still needed to say our goodbyes. That would easily take twenty minutes. I reached for her hand and did my best to hide the sheer self loathing I felt when she pulled away by the tiniest bit. I couldn’t blame her. Not after what had just transpired. It had somehow been worse than the more horrendous outcome my own imagination could fathom.
“I think it would be a good time to start saying our goodbyes and heading for home,” I said quietly, gently. I didn’t want to cause her any more discomfort than I already had. With a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, she nodded.
“Just let me say a few goodbyes and I will be ready to go,” she responded with a saccharine sweetness. I watched as she walked away from the table, finding first her sisters and then her parents to say goodbye to.
I sought out my mother, but my father found me first.
“Leviticus, my son!” my father called me to him, joyously. “Never was there a father as proud as I on the day his eldest son wed.”
He pulled me close, hugging me and there was a small part of me, that young boy who had for years sought his father’s approval that wanted to accept this moment. Instead, I stepped away and focused on that mask that I had held firmly in place all day.
“My wife and I will be making our our excuses and heading for home shortly, Father.”
“Yes, of course, of course. Remember what we have discussed and congratulations on procuring such a beautiful bride, my son.”
“Yes, she is quite the beauty, isn’t she,” Reverend Jacob agreed. The way he looked across the room at my wife had my fists clenching in anger. Had they not done enough to her?
“Thank you for the lovely ceremony and feast, Reverend. We will see you all in a month’s time.” With a saccharine smile plastered on my face, I bade them goodnight and went in search of my mother.
“Oh, my sweet boy,” she exclaimed, catching my eye as she tittered with the other Elder wives. “Just look at you. All grown up and wed at last. A mother could not be more proud.”
