Page 96 of Leviticus
“Why on Earth are you sorry, sweetheart?” I implored.
“Because that means I can never give you a child. I cannot raise a child and subject them to this. I simply cannot.” Her impassioned words pleaded with me and it took every last ounce of willpower I possessed not to take her into my arms and right, every wrong that flooded her mind.
“That’s what I need to talk to you about. What you picked up on the other night when my brothers were here.” She looked up at me like I held the key to everything and Christ, did it give me hope. I tried to temper those hopes with some grounding in reality. She could still very much so decide to go against our plan. And it would be her choice to make. I would never take that from her. “My brothers and I will never raise children in Zion. But not because we plan to never have children. We have made a plan to leave Zion once and for all.”
The words hung heavily in the air between us. I waited on bated breath for her reaction.
“What?” she barely breathed.
“We plan to leave Zion. All of us. We made the plan to go through with our marriages in hopes of giving even a few women the chance at a new life, a life free from the constraints of this place. When my last brother is wed, we will leave this place and give our wives the choice of starting a new life in the real world on their own,” I explained, baring the harsh truth to her, opening my truth up to her fully.
“Wait, what?” she asked again, the pain in her voice more poignant, more piercing. “When this is done, you will… you will leave me?”
“What?! No! No! Ruth, I have no intentions of ever leaving you. But it would be wrong of me to not give you the choice. And it is just that: a choice. You can choose to stay here in Zion with your family when I leave. Or you could start a new life on your own. Wherever in the world you could want to go. Or you could stay with me, in that new world, as husband and wife.” I clammed up after those last words. This was it. This was the moment of truth that had plagued me since the moment I had first seen Ruth. Not physically seen her, but had truly opened my eyes and seen the woman who she was beneath it all.
Her eyes flitted over me as a myriad of emotions played out over her face. Confusion, anger, relief, hesitancy, and what felt like a million more that I simply could not decipher.
“Ruth?” I asked, but she held a hand up to me, silencing me. I obeyed her in that moment. She needed time. And I could give her that. At least for now.
Longer and longer we sat there on the hallway floor. The minutes felt like hours. In truth, and according to the clock I could barely see in the kitchen, we sat there for a total of ten minutes in silence. Finally, she spoke.
“You honestly think, after everything, that I could spend a single day of my life without you?” Her voice was angry, but her words made my heart explode with hope and joy and thoughts of a future I had never let myself dream of, not fully.
“You sound mad,” I retorted, confused.
“Mad? I’m not mad, I’m … I don’t know.. Why would you think I didn’t want to stay with you?! I said vows! You said vows! And somehow I’m the only one upset by this notion?” She was on a roll, standing from her position on the floor and coming at me with all the passion, fire, and anger that she held within her. And I saw it for what it was. I stood up along with her, letting her punctuate each of her statements with a finger to my chest. Her accusations didn’t hurt. They filled me with hope.
“What do you want me to say?” I goaded, knowing full well what I was doing.
“Ha!” she scoffed. “You just sat there and begged for my words, for my truth. And I gave them to you. But you took days to tell me your truth. I want all of it. I want it all! I want —”
“I love you, Ruth.”
Once again, we stood in silence, my words sinking into her, past the anger, past the confusion and the swirling emotions I knew she was feeling as she deconstructed her entire world.
“You love me?” she whispered into the silence, her eyes raising up and finding mine.
“I do.”
“I don’t… I just… Why did you… I mean…” She searched for words and I saw her breathing increase rapidly as she panicked. I didn’t think she was panicking over my profession of love, but instead from the entire day. She was going through so much emotionally, mentally, it was taking a physical toll on her now.
Her eyes found mine again as she looked up at me, tears welling up in her wide eyes.
“How do I make it stop?” she pleaded in a fragmented, quiet breath. Her hands shook at her sides and I knew exactly what she needed in that moment.
“Come with me,” I said firmly. I led her to the living room, where I sat in one of my wing-backed chairs.
“Please, Levi,” she pleaded with me again.
“I know. I know you want it to just turn off until you get your bearings. Trust me,” I coaxed, hoping to soothe her worries, her fears.
“I don’t know what I want,” she almost pouted, and it made me want to pull her close and keep her safe for always.
“Try. Try to tell me,” I urged her.
“I… I just…” her hands gesticulated between us, physically searching for words her lips seemed unable to produce. I understood the issue.
“Kneel.” My command was firm, but loving. She looked at me quizzically, and I reiterated my command. “Kneel for me.”
