Page 40 of Gideon
“I wouldn’t have thought of that,” she exhaled quietly.
“That’s why it’s so important to have proper training and information before engaging in scenes. And while I do have proper training, you do not. And at the very least, you needed to have all the information,” I continued, already feeling a great weight lift off of my shoulders as I spoke. This was what we needed. Information giving way to informed consent.
“Makes sense,” she muttered, nodding her head as her eyes seemed to focus on nothing at all while she processed the information.
“The other really, vitally important thing is aftercare. We touched on it, but I need you to really understand what it is and why we do it. Aftercare looks different for each and every person, but the purpose is the same. It is used to help come down from the intense feelings and mental space one enters into while engaging in kink. If you don’t address that in the way you need, you can experience drop. It can feel a lot like an adrenaline crash.” I watched as her eyes became glassy with the barest hint of unshed tears.
“Adrenaline crash,” she whispered, speaking more to herself than to me.
“Yeah. Big ol’ highs can result in awful lows if you’re not careful,” I clarified, praying I was reaching her. The way she looked, sitting there before me, gave me every sign I was hitting the nail on the head. I was used to her fire, her sass, and her exuberance. What I saw sitting next to me was timid trepidation and nervous caution. It was a complete one-eighty from her normal self. Textbook drop was beginning.
“Let me be there for you to help you come down, Naomi. And know that no matter what happens, there are no repercussions,” I spoke softly.
Her eyes flew back up, searching my own for truth that she could trust.
“Whether you want to explore this with me, or if you tell me to get lost and to never touch you again, I’m here. No repercussions. No judgment. Nothing but support and understanding. I swear it on my life, on my boat, on the future I want to have someday,” I answered with more sincerity than I had ever possessed.
I watched as her eyes closed tightly, the tears that had lingered there on the verge of falling finally traipsing down her face in a gentle stream. Her shoulders hunched as she crumbled.
“I’m so confused, Gideon,” she whimpered, and I couldn’t hold myself back a moment longer. I reached for her, pulling her into my arms and into the safety I could provide; the safety I needed to provide.
She cried against my shoulder for only a moment before pulling herself back. I could see how she stiffened, trying to push those feelings away and knowing that it wouldn’t work.
“You’ve got to feel how you feel, Naomi. It’s important to not fight it. It will only make the crash and the confusion worse. I’m here for whatever you need,” I reiterated.
“This is all just… so much,” she sighed heavily. “I need to get control. I don’t do this.”
“But you can and you should. You’re safe here. I promise,” I pled with her.
“I don’t even know what to ask for,” she cried in exasperation, her hands flopping down against her thighs with frustration.
“Let’s start with what you’ve already said. You’re feeling confused and likely emotional. Start there. I’m all ears and zero judgment,” I promised her, situating myself slightly away from her so she felt secure in her own space. I didn’t want to crowd her and make her feel less assured.
“I don’t know how I feel. I feel everything and none of it makes sense,” she admitted quietly, looking down at her hands in her lap.
“So why don’t you just start talking and let’s see if we can’t get all the different things you’re thinking and feeling out on the table? From there, we can piece it together. Sound good?” I asked, giving her my signature grin.
“There are things I’m not sure I want to say,” she admitted in barely a whisper.
“And I accept that, Naomi. I want you to be open with me. It’s important that you are if you choose to continue, but I also understand and respect that honesty takes a level of trust we are only beginning to venture into together. You can take time. But I needed you to understand these things. You know?” I explained, reaching for her hand and breathing a sigh of relief when she flipped her palm up and threaded her fingers between my own.
“What we did… it felt amazing, Gideon. For the most part.” That one amendment sent my hopes crashing. Steadying myself, I reminded myself to hear her out. I had promised her I would not cast judgment. I needed to hold fast to that and not put the cart before the horse.
“What parts were not amazing for you?” I asked her honestly.
“The end. Everything was good, was more than good, until everything was over,” she began.
“When you panicked,” I offered, and she nodded her head. “What caused you to panic?”
“That’s difficult to explain. I’m not sure if I’m ready to explain,” she admitted with a huffed breath.
“Take your time, darling. I’m not going anywhere,” I promised, squeezing her hand in support.
“One minute, everything was fine and amazing. Then when it ended I felt…” she paused, searching for the right words to convey her thoughts. “I felt trapped. And I felt scared.”
I nodded my head, understanding how she could feel that way.
“That’s a fairly common response, actually,” I admitted with a shrug.
